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Parent Emeritus
At the end of my rope and just lost...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 630103" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>That thinking is what keeps most of us stuck in the hamster wheel of our kids negative choices. If you are not willing to "kick him out" then your only choice is to continue putting up with his bad behavior and he knows it too. And, it gives him the absolute freedom to do as he pleases, because truly, what are you going to do? Keep requesting he change his ways, but there is no consequence if he doesn't, so why would he? You provide everything and essentially require nothing but for him to listen to your requests and then deny them. </p><p></p><p>One has to have boundaries and consequences, that is real life. You are teaching your son that he can get away with whatever he wants simply by ignoring your requests and pretending for an hour or a day that he is going to respond. You've given him a list of your demands but no consequence if he doesn't comply, other then, </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>which appears to be his choice, not yours. I can understand not wanting to throw a 19 year old out, however, there are other consequences. For instance, no Netflix, no money, no cigarettes, no car, no food, no privileges. If he isn't in school, and he isn't working, then in real life, there are no perks, there are no cigarettes, cars, money or Netflix. You can buy him a bike as well, it would provide exercise as well as transportation. That is the consequence of making the choice to do nothing. What moves us human beings to change is usually discomfort. Your son is not uncomfortable, he is lazy. Whether he is depressed, on drugs, mentally ill, has a conduct disorder or is just entitled and lazy is almost irrelevant, he is responsible for his choices, if he lived in a mental institution, unless he was catatonic, he would be held accountable to some degree. </p><p></p><p>Whatever we allow is what we end up living with. You are allowing your adult son to do nothing in your home while you provide him with his needs and while you are unhappy and despairing. You have ALL the power here, he doesn't. Your home, your rules. You might look up the local homeless shelter in your town, along with the food banks and as a consequence to his not complying with your list, hand him the info about the shelter and say, you have one more week to get a job and then we drop you off at the shelter. You might be surprised how quickly a job appears on his radar.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 630103, member: 13542"] That thinking is what keeps most of us stuck in the hamster wheel of our kids negative choices. If you are not willing to "kick him out" then your only choice is to continue putting up with his bad behavior and he knows it too. And, it gives him the absolute freedom to do as he pleases, because truly, what are you going to do? Keep requesting he change his ways, but there is no consequence if he doesn't, so why would he? You provide everything and essentially require nothing but for him to listen to your requests and then deny them. One has to have boundaries and consequences, that is real life. You are teaching your son that he can get away with whatever he wants simply by ignoring your requests and pretending for an hour or a day that he is going to respond. You've given him a list of your demands but no consequence if he doesn't comply, other then, which appears to be his choice, not yours. I can understand not wanting to throw a 19 year old out, however, there are other consequences. For instance, no Netflix, no money, no cigarettes, no car, no food, no privileges. If he isn't in school, and he isn't working, then in real life, there are no perks, there are no cigarettes, cars, money or Netflix. You can buy him a bike as well, it would provide exercise as well as transportation. That is the consequence of making the choice to do nothing. What moves us human beings to change is usually discomfort. Your son is not uncomfortable, he is lazy. Whether he is depressed, on drugs, mentally ill, has a conduct disorder or is just entitled and lazy is almost irrelevant, he is responsible for his choices, if he lived in a mental institution, unless he was catatonic, he would be held accountable to some degree. Whatever we allow is what we end up living with. You are allowing your adult son to do nothing in your home while you provide him with his needs and while you are unhappy and despairing. You have ALL the power here, he doesn't. Your home, your rules. You might look up the local homeless shelter in your town, along with the food banks and as a consequence to his not complying with your list, hand him the info about the shelter and say, you have one more week to get a job and then we drop you off at the shelter. You might be surprised how quickly a job appears on his radar. [/QUOTE]
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At the end of my rope and just lost...
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