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At the end of my rope and just lost...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 630570" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I agree that you need to stick to your original plan. You may want to get the address of the local shelters and the food banks to hand it to him on his exit day. You may want to let him know, clearly, that if there isn't a job, he will be out on the given date. They rarely believe us if we've enabled them and when that day comes, if you stick to your guns, you may experience his wrath in ways you haven't before. Our difficult child's don't like it when we change the playing field in our favor.</p><p></p><p>You may also remind him that there are often waiting lists at shelters, so he may not just walk in and get a bed, he would have to wait and then he really would be homeless. If the local shelter doesn't have a bed, you might rent him a room on one of those long term cheap motels, some parents here have done that, just a transitional thing, and it lets our difficult child's know that we are serious, he is no longer living at YOUR house. And, once the week is up, he can move to the shelter if they have a bed. There ARE other options for him other then your home or the streets. And, you DON'T have to rent him a motel room either, it's simply a suggestion I've heard parents make when they are the ones who can't fathom their kids being homeless but they want them out of the home. I would only pay for it for a very short time, he should be working. In real life if you aren't working then you don't have any money for anything. Anything. Remember that, the first thing to stop is the money. No more money, not for anything. He can walk, he can ride a bike, he can hitch hike to job interviews. The more he has to do for himself, the more empowered he will eventually be to have done it on his own.</p><p></p><p>My guess is he doesn't believe you will put him out, which is exactly why you need to, to shift his thinking and make him understand that you are no longer his meal ticket, he is on his own. As an only child, it is likely that you have indulged him. I have only one child too and I clearly indulged her. She is 41 and just learning to be independent and appreciative. </p><p></p><p>As with all of us, you will need a lot of support to stay the course, so make support a priority, because you will have too much trouble, too much guilt and sorrow and fear to let go of your son and allow him to deal with the consequences of his choices, you will need help to change and detach. If you don't change how you respond to your son, then this dynamic will continue and you will be still asking him to get a job when he is 30 years old. You are the only one who is going to change, because he isn't going to without a big push from you. Remember you are the one with all the power,not him.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 630570, member: 13542"] I agree that you need to stick to your original plan. You may want to get the address of the local shelters and the food banks to hand it to him on his exit day. You may want to let him know, clearly, that if there isn't a job, he will be out on the given date. They rarely believe us if we've enabled them and when that day comes, if you stick to your guns, you may experience his wrath in ways you haven't before. Our difficult child's don't like it when we change the playing field in our favor. You may also remind him that there are often waiting lists at shelters, so he may not just walk in and get a bed, he would have to wait and then he really would be homeless. If the local shelter doesn't have a bed, you might rent him a room on one of those long term cheap motels, some parents here have done that, just a transitional thing, and it lets our difficult child's know that we are serious, he is no longer living at YOUR house. And, once the week is up, he can move to the shelter if they have a bed. There ARE other options for him other then your home or the streets. And, you DON'T have to rent him a motel room either, it's simply a suggestion I've heard parents make when they are the ones who can't fathom their kids being homeless but they want them out of the home. I would only pay for it for a very short time, he should be working. In real life if you aren't working then you don't have any money for anything. Anything. Remember that, the first thing to stop is the money. No more money, not for anything. He can walk, he can ride a bike, he can hitch hike to job interviews. The more he has to do for himself, the more empowered he will eventually be to have done it on his own. My guess is he doesn't believe you will put him out, which is exactly why you need to, to shift his thinking and make him understand that you are no longer his meal ticket, he is on his own. As an only child, it is likely that you have indulged him. I have only one child too and I clearly indulged her. She is 41 and just learning to be independent and appreciative. As with all of us, you will need a lot of support to stay the course, so make support a priority, because you will have too much trouble, too much guilt and sorrow and fear to let go of your son and allow him to deal with the consequences of his choices, you will need help to change and detach. If you don't change how you respond to your son, then this dynamic will continue and you will be still asking him to get a job when he is 30 years old. You are the only one who is going to change, because he isn't going to without a big push from you. Remember you are the one with all the power,not him. [/QUOTE]
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At the end of my rope and just lost...
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