at the end of my rope...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dmf, Aug 11, 2011.

  1. dmf

    dmf New Member

    i dont know what to do anymore. I know everyone here has similar, if not worse things going on and I shouldn't whinge, just last night I reached the end of my patience.

    difficult child went out with husband and brother last night and I was at home. When they got back from the park and the toy store, I asked difficult child to have a shower and he went and did it. But when I went and asked him to get out, the look I got could have melted my face off. When I asked what was wrong he started telling me to get out through gritted teeth.

    Trying to talk to him was a waste of time and he would only respond to husband. Anything I said or asked got a filthy look and if I pushed it he started shouting and crying and hid behind the lounge.

    Add to that husband having a go at me for being able to find something he couldn't and 2 yr blowing raspberries at me, I told them 'I quit' and walked away.

    I was away for a week recently and everyone had a great time....until I came home. The only person that was happy to see me was the 2 year old. Since then everyone has been foul and I have felt unwelcome in my own home.

    difficult child has a birthday coming up and I have been looking at special things to do and get him. I told husband about all of this, but he has promised difficult child something completely different. I told husband that it is on him them and that I am not having anything to do with it.

    I realise that might sound petty, but all I do is aggrivate everyone so to make it a nice birthday I don't think I should be involved.

    After that I started bawling as it really seems that difficult child and my relationship is gone. With that husband got uncomfortable and went to bed.

    Just now he walked in from school and threw the mail at me. I havent even seen or spoken to him today!

    It seems that I am the common link that makes everyone cranky so maybe the best thing to do is to walk away completely.
  2. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    One reason this site is so wonderful is that you can vent to people who can relate to you. Being understood and heard doesn't change our reality but it makes it easier because we're not alone. Vent away. It sounds like you've had a very rough day. I hope tomorrow is better and easy child is cuddly.
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    First, I can tell you that this is a perfectly normal feeling... but you probably don't want to act on it.

    There is too much going on, too many layers - and many more that haven't been discovered yet.
    You need more help for yourself.
    And a lot more help for difficult child.

    He's of an age now that "other things" will start showing up. Not the behavior - that's most likely purely secondary.
    But by age 8, school work shifts. From learning to read, to "reading to learn". Having to actually USE writing skills. Harder math. More complex projects. More to be done in less time.
    At this age, too, they are often shifted from the playground to the fields - from monkey bars and swings, to sports.

    If they don't have the skills they need to move on with their peers, behavior is the best indicator of problems.
    Its like a mask - they hide behind the badness rather than confront unknown demons - because they have no idea that there are ways of working around their problems.
    And especially for a boy - so much of his self-image and self-esteem is rolled up in what he can make his body and brain accomplish.

    Problems can be subtle enough that schools don't see them as such - all they see is the behaviour - in part because they look at each "issue" in isolation.
    But the cumulative effects of a number of small deficits is HUGE.

    Have you got therapist/psychiatrist/family counsellor? Someone who can help you get your own feet under you and get you and your SO back on the same page? That's probably the first place to start. THEN you can start working through difficult child's issues again.

  4. MuM_of_OCD_kiddo

    MuM_of_OCD_kiddo New Member

    You will deal with difficult child scenarios/rough days all your life long - so that isn't something to majorly sweat about [well it is, but you know what I am trying to say]. What concerns me in your post - is the non-communicating/misunderstanding/hostility between you and your husband. I think that I would be more worried about at this point, than your difficult child acting difficult towards you.

    If you had until recently [before your week away???] a pretty decent marriage/relationship [difficult child and all] - then there are probably abandonment issues [both difficult child + hubby?], resentment over you taking a break, and on and on - but probably can be talked about + clarified between your husband and yourself. In this scenario you are probably looking at added anger by your son due to you "going away" for a while.

    If the miscommunication and hostility has been going on for a while, then you might want to look at outside help and counseling to figure out what exactly is going on, and if you want to work on it, or walk away from it. Having to raise a difficult child is hard enough, doing it with added spousal negativity makes it near impossible to function well. I mean if you cannot count on his support, or to have your back, who can you count on? And the kids - difficult child or not - catch on to stuff like this immediately, and the underlying tension will add more additional stress to their life as well....

    Don't be a doormat! I can tell that you are tired and worn out, but don't lay down and let them [both guys] roll all over you. Work on your relationship with your husband or at least clarify what is going on, before you make decisions that may have severe longterm repercussions. Hang in there! All of us parents with difficult children have gotten a rough deal, that nobody asked for. But it is what it is, so make the best you know how to deal with it. Heartfelt Hugs!
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    I know he's *only* 8 but *maybe* you shouldn't be barging in on him while in the shower? husband works a lot, but difficult child and husband recently had a whole week together. I'm sure they had a GRAND time, but although husband lives in the home, maybe it was like a "Disney Dad" scenario. Dad isn't usually around for the chaos, and difficult child was so excited for the extra attention from Dad that he behaved, and now they both think you are 'crazy'? Maybe Dad treats him more like a 'little man' or, worse, his buddy, and you treat him more like your 'little boy' This isn't a criticism, just a fact of differences between gender parenting. Add to that that the argument was over something husband "couldn't find", so husband is acting like and feeling like, and, by default, being treated by you like a "little boy" (yeah, I used to call my husband my 4th child) and it's like battle lines being drawn in the house.

    MuM is right about opening lines of communication with husband. That has got to be a priority.
  6. jennd23

    jennd23 New Member

    Hugs. I am going through the same thing, only its just me at the house so difficult child's issue is constant, neither of us have relief from it. I just feel like I am the problem (in my heart I know that's not true) but its very hard when things only happen around you, what else is a person to think? Don't walk away. They all need you even if you're having a rough patch right now. I think counseling for you & husband is important. maybe even family counseling that can work with you & son, too.
  7. aeroeng

    aeroeng Mom of Three

    It does not matter if someone else has a difficult problem, your problems are important as well, big or little. You need to feel loved, supported and confident that husband has your back. The first step in getting to that point is to develop better communications. Try to talk with him away from the kids and anyone else. Consider going to a therapist, or someone who could help you work through it. Many times church leaders can offer counseling that can help. Let him know that status quo will not do. Walking away might help, but only if you know you will come back. i.e. use it too not react, cool off and re-focus, but not a separation.

    For difficult child something upset him and he is clearly not comfortable sharing it with you. Some things you have to just let go. Respect his privacy, let him know he can always talk with you, but don't force it on him. And, from now on knock on the door first. Don't feel bad about entering when you did, at that point he was your little guy. But now that you know he is sensitive, respect it. When easy child was 9 he was very concerned because certain parts were changing and he did not understand it. Growing up is a wild ride with lots of changes he won't understand and might not wish to discuss with mom. It is OK. You don't need to solve all his problems, just support want you can.

    And last. Eat more chocolate.
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Or take a nice bubble-bath.
    Or read one chapter in a really good book (just for you) every night when the house is quiet.
    Or... whatever else is up YOUR alley.

    You need to carve out micro-breaks for yourself until you can get your head above water.
    I've done all of the above and more.
    Others have creative ideas too...
    But it really does help to take a wee slice of time just for yourself - even if its only 15 minutes.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sounds like the family dynamics are a bit off. I'm sorry you feel so badly but I agree with the other that you need to look closely at your relationship with your spouse. In your signature you list anxiety and depression, are you on any medications and are they helping you? Hugs. DDD
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What is PND???

    At any rate, that aside, I think that family counseling would help you feel better. Since i've had depression and mood problems all my life, I know how vulnerable anyone feels when he/she is depressed. If husband doesn't understand or doesn't TRY to understand, the family dynamics won't improve. I would suggest a family counselor. If husband won't go, I'd go with difficult child alone and at least try to improve THAT relationship.

    This is not your fault. It's simply dysfunctional behavior in which husband and difficult child have ganged up against you, even if they don't realize it. But you didn't cause it. Your family needs work, much like the rest of ours :)

    Keep us posted and take good care of YOU. When depressed, it is important to get out and exercise (a walk?) or isolate yourself from the stress. I had a great therapist who did cognitive therapy and she taught me not to take everything so seriously. I can actually blow off a lot these If you'd known me before, you'd be amazed that I can do that at this time. Hey....we understand and we care :)