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Parent Emeritus
At the end of my rope...
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 708451" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Yes. And welcome.</p><p></p><p>He is 30 years old, a grown man. Why should you care for him when he decides to act like a criminal...heck, he is one. If he gets bailed out of his own bad choices at 30, what is he going to do when he is 40? 50? At 30 i feel he needs a strong, tough father who sets boundaries, not a guilty daddy who is thinking of how cute this "boy" was when he was six years old. You cant save this man now. He has to step up to his own plate. Or not.</p><p></p><p>Son is showing no inituitive to do better. If he worked like 99% of 30 year olds he could afford his own place to stay. It seems he would rather be homeless than work, not good sign. He could have finished the rehab program but he didnt finish that either.</p><p></p><p>Your son is acting like its normal for a parent to support 30 year old man. Its not. Most 30 year olds have never seen jaill and are working very hard. Why wont he?</p><p></p><p>Im with your wife. I totally believe that there is no certain way to force our grown men to launch but I believe they are more apt to do it if we remove our money from their lives. Sitting cozy at home refusing to work with parents supporting them while they refuse to grow up doesnt give any motivation for them to get their acts together.</p><p></p><p> As long as he is still using drugs and not working, he is not interested in changing. I would ignore the guillt attempt. Lots of kids have bad childhoods and dont end up in jail. Or on drugs. I believe he had a good childhood though. They tend to blame us for their own terrible behavior.</p><p></p><p>in my opinion you should stick with your wife. She will be there for you for the rest of your life. Your son will not. You are important too. So is your wife. I highly recommend Al Anon or therapy to help you cope. This is hard. I made a 19 year old drug using daughter once. She used drugs. I had younger kids to protect. My daughter quit drugs, got a job, took out a loan for two year college...we paid nothing. She did it all. She now, ten years later, says the drug life was too hard. She encourages me to talk about drug abuse and not giving money to drug users, even our kids. She has a good life now with a boyfriend of ten years, a house, a darling little girl and she is such a good mother. Honestly, i thought she was going to die or end up in jail.</p><p></p><p> Does tough love always work? Depends on their motivation and mindset so no. But I dont think supporting their horrific childish/criminal behavior does anything other than keep them dependant. Can you afford to support a grown man who doesnt seem to know that he is responsible for himself now? Throwing money at them doesnt work. It has to come from them.</p><p></p><p>Good luck!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 708451, member: 1550"] Yes. And welcome. He is 30 years old, a grown man. Why should you care for him when he decides to act like a criminal...heck, he is one. If he gets bailed out of his own bad choices at 30, what is he going to do when he is 40? 50? At 30 i feel he needs a strong, tough father who sets boundaries, not a guilty daddy who is thinking of how cute this "boy" was when he was six years old. You cant save this man now. He has to step up to his own plate. Or not. Son is showing no inituitive to do better. If he worked like 99% of 30 year olds he could afford his own place to stay. It seems he would rather be homeless than work, not good sign. He could have finished the rehab program but he didnt finish that either. Your son is acting like its normal for a parent to support 30 year old man. Its not. Most 30 year olds have never seen jaill and are working very hard. Why wont he? Im with your wife. I totally believe that there is no certain way to force our grown men to launch but I believe they are more apt to do it if we remove our money from their lives. Sitting cozy at home refusing to work with parents supporting them while they refuse to grow up doesnt give any motivation for them to get their acts together. As long as he is still using drugs and not working, he is not interested in changing. I would ignore the guillt attempt. Lots of kids have bad childhoods and dont end up in jail. Or on drugs. I believe he had a good childhood though. They tend to blame us for their own terrible behavior. in my opinion you should stick with your wife. She will be there for you for the rest of your life. Your son will not. You are important too. So is your wife. I highly recommend Al Anon or therapy to help you cope. This is hard. I made a 19 year old drug using daughter once. She used drugs. I had younger kids to protect. My daughter quit drugs, got a job, took out a loan for two year college...we paid nothing. She did it all. She now, ten years later, says the drug life was too hard. She encourages me to talk about drug abuse and not giving money to drug users, even our kids. She has a good life now with a boyfriend of ten years, a house, a darling little girl and she is such a good mother. Honestly, i thought she was going to die or end up in jail. Does tough love always work? Depends on their motivation and mindset so no. But I dont think supporting their horrific childish/criminal behavior does anything other than keep them dependant. Can you afford to support a grown man who doesnt seem to know that he is responsible for himself now? Throwing money at them doesnt work. It has to come from them. Good luck!! [/QUOTE]
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