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At wits end and exhausted
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 636676" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Malika, no. You expected J. to be a well behaved boy who liked school before you got him, but he couldn't do it. I expected 36 to be a sweet little boy who was kind to all and he never was. Trust me, he was treated as a good boy and very special, but he started hurting people very early in his life. There are many "bad" people in my family tree...unfortunately, lots of genetics working against my son.</p><p></p><p>Malika, nothing you can do to a child will make him sexually abuse another child unless he is prone to it, unless you sexually abuse him. Only sexual abuse of a child can cause a child to sexually abuse too. Not an alarm on a bedroom door. Nobody knows what happened at mom's house or maybe with one of her boyfriends and the child himself may have forgotten if he was traumatized.</p><p></p><p>Also, You don't tell him, "I'm afraid you may molest my girls." There are other ways to hurt them too. Hitting them is hurting them. With a much bigger kid, he could break something. They should not have to be afraid in their own house just to show an untrustworthy child that you trust him. He needs to earn trust.</p><p></p><p>You say about the alarm, "You need to stay in your room at night unless you need the bathroom, then call me and I'll take you, etc." "But why??" "You hurt, Susie, and I want to make sure both of you are safe. I don't want you to maybe feel like hitting Susie while she sleeps and I want to protect you from doing it because I love you. So we have an alarm now."</p><p></p><p>A lot of us is inborn, and that goes for our children. Genetics is strong and having chaos in the early years is why so many adopted kids have attachment disorders. But you don't have to be adopted to have it. This poor boy had both, however, it doesn't matter why. The other kids HAVE TO BE SAFE, even at this child's expense. And who says it's at his expense? Many, many very out-of-control kids thrive on structure and being watched carefully. They want to be reigned in.</p><p></p><p>If this family feels this boy should not be there, they are scared. And if they have a reason to be scared, they need to protect the others until they can find a place for this boy.</p><p></p><p>This boy is not 7. He is 11 and could be tall and strong already. Anyhow, I think you are personalizing this. It has nothing to do with your situation as you have no other children and J. is not violent to others or dangerous.</p><p></p><p>You only have one child. If you had a baby to worry about and J. was beating up on the baby, you would have to protect the baby, even if it made J. feel bad. Worse, if J. had an 11 year old sibling who scared him, it might be different to you. It is way different to deal with an only child than many.</p><p></p><p>Anyhow, that's my two cents! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> !Peace! <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 636676, member: 1550"] Malika, no. You expected J. to be a well behaved boy who liked school before you got him, but he couldn't do it. I expected 36 to be a sweet little boy who was kind to all and he never was. Trust me, he was treated as a good boy and very special, but he started hurting people very early in his life. There are many "bad" people in my family tree...unfortunately, lots of genetics working against my son. Malika, nothing you can do to a child will make him sexually abuse another child unless he is prone to it, unless you sexually abuse him. Only sexual abuse of a child can cause a child to sexually abuse too. Not an alarm on a bedroom door. Nobody knows what happened at mom's house or maybe with one of her boyfriends and the child himself may have forgotten if he was traumatized. Also, You don't tell him, "I'm afraid you may molest my girls." There are other ways to hurt them too. Hitting them is hurting them. With a much bigger kid, he could break something. They should not have to be afraid in their own house just to show an untrustworthy child that you trust him. He needs to earn trust. You say about the alarm, "You need to stay in your room at night unless you need the bathroom, then call me and I'll take you, etc." "But why??" "You hurt, Susie, and I want to make sure both of you are safe. I don't want you to maybe feel like hitting Susie while she sleeps and I want to protect you from doing it because I love you. So we have an alarm now." A lot of us is inborn, and that goes for our children. Genetics is strong and having chaos in the early years is why so many adopted kids have attachment disorders. But you don't have to be adopted to have it. This poor boy had both, however, it doesn't matter why. The other kids HAVE TO BE SAFE, even at this child's expense. And who says it's at his expense? Many, many very out-of-control kids thrive on structure and being watched carefully. They want to be reigned in. If this family feels this boy should not be there, they are scared. And if they have a reason to be scared, they need to protect the others until they can find a place for this boy. This boy is not 7. He is 11 and could be tall and strong already. Anyhow, I think you are personalizing this. It has nothing to do with your situation as you have no other children and J. is not violent to others or dangerous. You only have one child. If you had a baby to worry about and J. was beating up on the baby, you would have to protect the baby, even if it made J. feel bad. Worse, if J. had an 11 year old sibling who scared him, it might be different to you. It is way different to deal with an only child than many. Anyhow, that's my two cents! :) !Peace! :) [/QUOTE]
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