Attempt at a reality check!

[dstc_99]

Well we managed graduation night as best as possible and I decided since it could well be the last time we see difficult child for a while that we ought to try and talk to her about reality after she turns 18. We decided to meet with her and the grands for breakfast and try to have a serious conversation. So we show up to breakfast to find out that she had spent half the night in the ER because she passed out from dehydration. Apparantly that happens when you don't eat for over 24 hours! Anyway I was irked because we were in town and no one called us but I didn't say anything and decided to let it go. Obviously neither she nor my parents felt we needed to be involved so why should I?

Anyway on to the point...

The grands proceeded to keep up the "lets pretend this never happened facade" and act as if nothing has happened. I ignored it for a while and just kept my mouth shut. I basically let husband field all their "hows the weather" questions. Seriously I didnt drive 2.5 hours to sit here and discuss the dang weather. So at one point husband decided enough with the BS and pointed out that her first year of college was covered but she needed to apply for federal work study programs or get a job in order to have living money. Of couse difficult child immediately agrees to the work study programs and says she will apply. This just made me laugh inside because she has been there for 4 months now and still hasnt applied for a job, hasn't filled out a single scholarship application, and cant be bothered to do anything other than get ****** at us when we don't hand over the cash she wants. She helps out my dad at his office a few times a month but thats it. SURE I am buying it that difficult child will apply for the work study program. I wanted to ask if I had MORON tatooed on my forehead.

In less than two months difficult child has to start paying her car insurance and cell phone bill but she still hasn't even started trying to figure out how to pay that. Of course as soon as my mom heard that difficult child was going to need to pay $150 a month for cell and insurance she started in with the whole "that's alot to handle while going to school" ****. I didn't even blink, I said "well we are giving her $35 a week to use for gas and necessities which equals $140 a month so earning $10 bucks shouldn't be that hard." Of course then she will have to find another way to pay for gas and necessities but she is living on campus with meals paid for and she can walk to all her classes. All she has to do is earn enough to pay for deodorant, shampoo, and clothes. That shut my mom up even though I could tell she wasn't happy about it. She seems to have forgotten that I worked almost 40 hours a week my freshman year of college to pay for dance lessons and extras. She also seems to have forgotten that husband worked 40 hours a week for his college to pay for his education.

By this point difficult child was trying to do what she always does which is avoid the issues. She jokingly said "well I guess I can apply at Taco Bell." I think she thought I was going to say you poor baby that work is to hard for you, but when I looked her in the eye and said thats a good idea she wasn't happy. She would be alot smarter if she got a job at a large coorporation like WalMart, Taco Bell, or McDonalds because then she could transfer to the college location easier.

I also found out my brother told difficult child we were going in together to buy her a laptop. Something we had discussed but never finalized but now she has picked out a $1500 laptop and regardless of what we decide he will get it for her. He's single and makes good money so it wont hurt him to do it but I hate the idea of her getting everything she wants without doing anything for it. My brother also mentioned having a little sit down with us and the grands to discuss how we were going to pay for her education after this year. I told him I am happy to discuss it but she has to earn it. I am not going to help if she is still treating us like **** or if she is pulling in poor grades. He atleast agreed to the grades being a deciding factor but I am pretty sure he feels like the treatment is a non issue. Of course it is for him difficult child treats him like a God because he buys her whatever she wants.

 

[BusynMember]

You can not stop your parents or brother from doing what they want to do, even if you don't like it. It is definitely undermining you, but you can't stop that either. difficult child is lucky to be getting a dime from you. If we were her parents, it wouldn't be happening.

The only thing you can do, as I have suggested before, is to avoid your family. The only person you can control is YOU and you can't stop what they do, but you can save yourself the grief of hearing about it from them. Maybe your brother will have to support difficult child all of her life, but that also isn't your concern.

Hugs and I'm sorry. I know how it feels when the family gangs up on you. The only difference is that I think I've learned what real family is vs. "I gave birth to you so I'm you're mother." Take care and keep us posted We care about you and a lot of us who got kicked around by our family of origin understand what you are going through. We know how hard it is and how frustrating and how sad it can make you that they would treat you this way.

 

[dstc_99]

I guess sometimes it just amazes me how people who aren't a part of the situation think they know more about it that the people in the middle of it. Do they not think I want my daughter to have an easy life and get the best of everything. I do I am just not willing to hand it to her on a silver platter while she continues to treat me like ****. Plus I think when you earn something it is worth more.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Plus I think when you earn something it is worth more.

In the long run, you'll get farther with this approach, than putting the focus on how she treats you.
She needs to earn stuff, because it's to HER benefit.

 

[DammitJanet]

You are more proud of yourself when you earn it yourself than when someone else just gives it to you...or at least normal people are. My parents could have sent me to any college but I messed it up for myself and ended up pregnant. Later I went to college after Jamie was born and was still going while pregnant with Cory. I was much prouder because I did it all on my own.

 

[Hound dog]

Your parents and brother will catch on to difficult child in due time. In the meantime........this situation is only going to drive you batty if you allow it to.

If brother decides on a more expensive laptop, let him pay for it........the entire gift. phht I'd be hard pressed to gift a child with anything who can't manage to treat me with respect at the very least. It's not a requirement that my kids like me, but by darn I demand respect.

Given her attitude? phht on that college tuition too. Wouldn't hurt her a bit to work her way through school like her Dad did. I wouldn't worry about it. If they want a solution, let them come up with one.......and deal with it if she doesn't follow up with her studies and the money gets wasted.

I refused to pay for my kids college. They were adults and it was up to them to find their own way of going whether by scholarship, working, or loans. It simply was not my problem. I've never bought into the obligation that parents should pay for their children's college. That just never sat well with me.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You handled the situation well. This is just my take on it, however, perhaps having this all written up in clear, concise and very realistic legal terms may be helpful for everyone. If you have an attorney friend, or can pay for an attorney to draw up a document which states, in absolutely clear and legal terms what your financial willingness is and for exactly how long. Like what is drawn up in divorces. Not what your expectations are of her, simply what exactly you will be paying. I think if it were me, I would do something like that, because people tend to forget or misrepresent the truth to their own advantage later on, 'he said, she said', and it will make you crazy. It also may avoid you having to have this same conversation when she decides she won't work, or she didn't hear you about not paying for her second year unless she works. It will all be clearly defined. End of story.

 

[busywend]

Look if these people can not even think to call her mom while she is in the ER....what makes you think they care one bit about anything you have to say or contribute for that matter? I would just be polite and not provide much in the way of 'parenting' since they took over the job, they get all the benefits that come with it like dealing with her spoiled attitude. They are the ones creating it afterall.

 

[trinityroyal]

Goodness! I agree with your idea that you feel more proud of an accomplishment when you work hard and earn it for yourself. I also agree that, since your parents and brother seem to have taken over the parenting of your difficult child, they should take on the whole shot. I wouldn't be contributing much in the way of advice OR funding.

It's funny. Whenever I hear stories of our entitled difficult children (mine included) and their expectations of us, I am reminded of a family that lived down the street from me when I was growing up. There were 8 children in the family, and on their 18th birthday each child received a large suitcase and instructions to pack their things and hit the road. They were a wonderful family and clearly loved their children, but they had clear expectations that the children would support themselves as soon as they were adults.

 

[dstc_99]

BW and Trinity-I am right there with you. Let them deal withthe stress, late nights, and the nastiness. I was sleeping peacefully!
RE-I gave difficult child and the grands a written document with twooptions for financial support months ago. From current conversations though Idon’t believe they bothered to read them.
Hound Dog-Basically she is getting 12 months of tuition paidfor because husband is military and he moved part of his benefits to her years ago.We aren’t paying anything. husband has been very tempted lately to remove thebenefits though since difficult child’s attitude is sooooooo bad!
DJ-Ditto! I did basically the same thing.
Insane- I know you are right it just irritates the he!! outof me that people don’t seem to care how poorly a kid treats their parents. HadI acted like my difficult child I would have had a hard time walking.

 

[DaisyFace]

dsct_99 -

Just my two cents as a person who did the Work Study program in school...

As I recall, the Work Study was part of the Financial Aid package. There were limited Work Study positions/opportunities and it was set-up that an eligible student was allowed to "earn" X amount of dollars by working X amount of hours per week assisting with various duties around the college. When you reached your limit (as determined by your financial need), your "job" ended for the semester.

I would think that if funding is already arranged for the first year - you would already know whether or not your difficult child had been identified as eligible to participate in Work Study.

She may actually have to *gasp!* get a REAL job...

 

[dstc_99]

dsct_99 - She may actually have to *gasp!* get a REAL job...

LOL she is identified as eligible by the financial aid people but at the same time that may not be the case when her dads military benefits kick in. I would love to see her have to work at McDonalds with the "little people". lMAO