It all started about a year ago, while searching for answers about my husband son, Difficult Child. I came upon this website that we all call a tool in our tool box. I was frustrated that my stepson was causing havoc in my life and my marriage. I was pretty sure I was bound and determined to find an answer to this problem. I soon learned that I was not going to find a cure to fix Difficult Child but what I found was a concept of getting our own life, finding ourselves and living life in the moment instead. This whole idea really hadn't occurred to me. Shortly after joining this group of people who seemed to genuinely cared and was concerned for each other, a book recommendation had been made. That book sounded like something I might find beneficial. "I will never be good enough, Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers." It was like this book had been written for me. I had never really know what a Narcissist was so I wasn't sure this book would pertain to me or not. It was the word of "never being good enough" that made me gravitate to this book. What this book did was help me to understand I had really taken on the persona of my mother. Her ideas had to be my ideas. Her opinions were mine, because this is what was required of me to survive in the same household as a child. I had become so intertwined with my mom (not in an type of healthy way) that I really did not know who I was . The book asked many basic questions that I would ask of other people or know about my friends but really I did not know about myself. I have to tell you that when I could hardly answer any questions about who I was, I was so utterly shocked and it really put me into a tailspin, I was scared. For example; What was your favorite colour was one that I could answer .(LOL) What was my decorating style? What was my favorite type of reading. What was your opinion on what should be taught to kids at school? You get the idea. Some were basic and others needed your thoughts and ideas on subjects. More often than not I could tell you what my mothers ideas and opinions were, but what did I really feel/ think/ like. I was truly not sure. How could I not know? Were these thoughts my mothers or mine. As I was reading through this book and reading this website, statements like...... find a hobby that you used to like and do it for yourself. Basically, it was saying get your own life and live it to the fullest. (I don't think I am explaining this well at all) Finding myself has been one of the hardest things I have had to do so far in my life. I am still not sure of many things, but I am finding things out slowly. I like people that are authentic, there is no falseness to them. That is what I want and my friends to see in me. Authenticity. A year later after these concepts were introduced to me and I still find I am unsure. Do I really like purple or is that because my mom really liked purple? Do I like a clean house because that was demanded of us because my mom wanted that. I have started to read deeper into ideas, likes, opinions and wonder where did these things originate. Is this me or is this my mother. I have made leaps and bounds is many aspects of finding Liz. I finally like me. I am good enough, but still unsure that this is really me. The concept of living my life to the fullest, requires me to know me and the lines are foggy. I guess what I want to know, does anybody else understand this or been through this or am I alone in this not knowing themselves? This morning I had myself convinced that I am alone in this, but thought I would bring this to all of you. I am no longer participating in a relationship with my mother, but the it is amazing the depths of this entanglement can be. For goodness sakes I am 49 and still struggling to know me. This is so like the relationship with our Difficult Child. We live our life within them, a part of them, emotionally and physically. There hardships are our hardships. How did you as mothers/fathers find your authenticity again? Thanks for listening. If you don't understand this post. No worries, I am not sure if I do.