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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 657834" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Great post. I was very close to my mother (and am) but my issue was different. My mom was a great mother (I am the oldest of four) and a lot of her time was taken by my sister who was incurably ill her whole life. She died at age 23. I idolized my mother and could not separate from her for a long long time as an adult even though I was strong in many ways and had my own views, preferences, likes and dislikes which are very different from hers. I finally did separate which was healthy for me and she allowed me to (was probably exhausted by me...!!! Go please go...lol).</p><p></p><p>As I have worked hard on myself for the past ten years in my recovery from enabling and thinking I could manage and control other people, places and things, I have, too, become all about authenticity. I do not like drama, self absorption, chaos and victimhood any more. When I experience it in others, I am immediately turned off and repelled by it. I want to run in the other direction. I used to be drawn by it because it gave me something to focus on and "fix" other than myself. </p><p></p><p>So...what I am now learning about that is this: those qualities are present in other people (and likely in me at times) and that is just part of a person. What do I do? I work to create and maintain good boundaries with that person, treat them with respect, realize they are not on this earth to please me, and work to accept them and focus on the good in them. Does it bug me? Yes. I work hard to say nothing in response but to be kind and stay engaged and create space for myself so I can breathe. </p><p></p><p>I have changed a great deal over the past ten years and today I like myself a lot better. I am at peace inside myself. I can forgive myself when I make mistakes. I don't have to be right all the time like I used to. I can say I'm sorry. I don't beat myself up as much. I can say no kindly. I work hard to focus on myself I a healthy way and just accept what is. I still have a long way to go and I will have to work on this the rest of my life. But I do believe that this is the healthiest way to live and I am very grateful to have had to do this hard work.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 657834, member: 17542"] Great post. I was very close to my mother (and am) but my issue was different. My mom was a great mother (I am the oldest of four) and a lot of her time was taken by my sister who was incurably ill her whole life. She died at age 23. I idolized my mother and could not separate from her for a long long time as an adult even though I was strong in many ways and had my own views, preferences, likes and dislikes which are very different from hers. I finally did separate which was healthy for me and she allowed me to (was probably exhausted by me...!!! Go please go...lol). As I have worked hard on myself for the past ten years in my recovery from enabling and thinking I could manage and control other people, places and things, I have, too, become all about authenticity. I do not like drama, self absorption, chaos and victimhood any more. When I experience it in others, I am immediately turned off and repelled by it. I want to run in the other direction. I used to be drawn by it because it gave me something to focus on and "fix" other than myself. So...what I am now learning about that is this: those qualities are present in other people (and likely in me at times) and that is just part of a person. What do I do? I work to create and maintain good boundaries with that person, treat them with respect, realize they are not on this earth to please me, and work to accept them and focus on the good in them. Does it bug me? Yes. I work hard to say nothing in response but to be kind and stay engaged and create space for myself so I can breathe. I have changed a great deal over the past ten years and today I like myself a lot better. I am at peace inside myself. I can forgive myself when I make mistakes. I don't have to be right all the time like I used to. I can say I'm sorry. I don't beat myself up as much. I can say no kindly. I work hard to focus on myself I a healthy way and just accept what is. I still have a long way to go and I will have to work on this the rest of my life. But I do believe that this is the healthiest way to live and I am very grateful to have had to do this hard work. [/QUOTE]
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