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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 657846" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>OMG. I am shocked by this post as Cedar and I have been posting about our dysfunctional mothers and how they affected us for a long time (Watercooler).</p><p></p><p>My mother ruled the roost, did not drive, we never got a break from her and I believe she had many borderline traits. Remember the "Mommie Dearest" no wire hangers scene? Well she wasn't as bad as that, but she woke me up in the middle of the night screaming at me over things I'd thought we'd resolved long before. She was very controlling. I had to wear long hair or she'd mock and belittle me. She was furious when I quit singing lessons (and I quit because I was both going through my first depression and because my voice had changed and wasn't pretty anymore). She did not give a hoot about my grades, which were horrible. She criticized everything about me and every friend or boyfriend whom I really liked. She was a piece of work that still is in my head sometimes. And she's been dead for ten years!</p><p></p><p>She set no boundaries for any of us. She did not teach us rules or manners. She screamed like a banshee and mocked and belittled mostly me, as I was her "identified patient." If you believe you were the family scapegoat, and scapegoats know, look up identified patient in your search engine.</p><p></p><p>What scared me the most was I was a lot like her so I made dang sure that I got out of the house early and found a mentor in my husband's mother. I did not want to be her. I am not her. NOBODY I ever met is like her...lol!!! She had a favorite child and later on in life liked my sister, but I would not conform to her peculiar ideas and melded with my grandmother, her mother. I was my grandma's favorite, which ticked her off to no end. She was never nice to me and disowned me when she passed on.</p><p></p><p>At the very beginning of being a mother I feel I was over-identifying with Bart, my only child. But it was giving me grief to do this and hurting him too and I knew this and so I picked up a book called "toxic parents" and that helped me learn to separate fro him AND it told me all about what my parents had been like. My Dad was never home. I can't say I blame him, but I wish he had been home and taken a stand against her. But he was afraid of her mouth too. I get it. I just wish he'd been stronger for us. All three of us were screwed up by our upbringing.</p><p></p><p>Like you, I had to find ME. It wasn't so much that I tried to copy HER. Being the "bad guy" I would talk back to her and do my own thing. It was more that none of us were taught who we were or to be proud of what we accomplished, except maybe for her favorite child and he struggles too. I can not speak for my sibs, but I grew up and suddenly...who was I? I knew I was creative and had a good heart (which she always said was not true, but THAT is one thing she couldn't talk me out of. I knew it. It was just too strong). At any rate, except for those two traits, I did not know me. I knew I was a mess and needed help straightening out and I started therapy early. TGFT (Thank God for Therapy!)</p><p></p><p>I have a strong sense of self now, but it was a struggle and always is when you have a pesonality disordered parent. Worse, mine seemed to dislike me and pick on me the most.At least it made me want to be NOTHING like her as a parent, and I have not been. God Bless my late mother-in-law for showing me how to parent both young and adult children...or I cringe.</p><p></p><p>You can do this. It is always tougher if we had a strong presence as a primary parent combined with controlling and personality-disordered traits, but somehow we manage to triumph and so will you.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 657846, member: 1550"] OMG. I am shocked by this post as Cedar and I have been posting about our dysfunctional mothers and how they affected us for a long time (Watercooler). My mother ruled the roost, did not drive, we never got a break from her and I believe she had many borderline traits. Remember the "Mommie Dearest" no wire hangers scene? Well she wasn't as bad as that, but she woke me up in the middle of the night screaming at me over things I'd thought we'd resolved long before. She was very controlling. I had to wear long hair or she'd mock and belittle me. She was furious when I quit singing lessons (and I quit because I was both going through my first depression and because my voice had changed and wasn't pretty anymore). She did not give a hoot about my grades, which were horrible. She criticized everything about me and every friend or boyfriend whom I really liked. She was a piece of work that still is in my head sometimes. And she's been dead for ten years! She set no boundaries for any of us. She did not teach us rules or manners. She screamed like a banshee and mocked and belittled mostly me, as I was her "identified patient." If you believe you were the family scapegoat, and scapegoats know, look up identified patient in your search engine. What scared me the most was I was a lot like her so I made dang sure that I got out of the house early and found a mentor in my husband's mother. I did not want to be her. I am not her. NOBODY I ever met is like her...lol!!! She had a favorite child and later on in life liked my sister, but I would not conform to her peculiar ideas and melded with my grandmother, her mother. I was my grandma's favorite, which ticked her off to no end. She was never nice to me and disowned me when she passed on. At the very beginning of being a mother I feel I was over-identifying with Bart, my only child. But it was giving me grief to do this and hurting him too and I knew this and so I picked up a book called "toxic parents" and that helped me learn to separate fro him AND it told me all about what my parents had been like. My Dad was never home. I can't say I blame him, but I wish he had been home and taken a stand against her. But he was afraid of her mouth too. I get it. I just wish he'd been stronger for us. All three of us were screwed up by our upbringing. Like you, I had to find ME. It wasn't so much that I tried to copy HER. Being the "bad guy" I would talk back to her and do my own thing. It was more that none of us were taught who we were or to be proud of what we accomplished, except maybe for her favorite child and he struggles too. I can not speak for my sibs, but I grew up and suddenly...who was I? I knew I was creative and had a good heart (which she always said was not true, but THAT is one thing she couldn't talk me out of. I knew it. It was just too strong). At any rate, except for those two traits, I did not know me. I knew I was a mess and needed help straightening out and I started therapy early. TGFT (Thank God for Therapy!) I have a strong sense of self now, but it was a struggle and always is when you have a pesonality disordered parent. Worse, mine seemed to dislike me and pick on me the most.At least it made me want to be NOTHING like her as a parent, and I have not been. God Bless my late mother-in-law for showing me how to parent both young and adult children...or I cringe. You can do this. It is always tougher if we had a strong presence as a primary parent combined with controlling and personality-disordered traits, but somehow we manage to triumph and so will you. [/QUOTE]
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