I totally agree with-the others.
However ... (you knew that was coming ...
)
in answer to this two-fold question:
Do we just let him do whatever he wants to do so that he doesn't have a meltdown, or do we keep trying to help him adapt to requests and instructions? Maybe there is a middle ground somewhere
I would say choose your battles. One thing we have done is allow difficult child to eat in the LR in front of the TV on occasion. I used to insist he come to the table at dinnertime, but he ruined so many meals, it just wasn't worth it.
Now we tell him which nights are family nights and as long as he gets his way part of the time, he's okay with-it. (Of course, he's 13 now, which makes a big diff.)
I never allow difficult child to get into the car with-o a seatbelt. He nearly took off my arm once by kicking me, but I will not budge on that one. He's much better at remembering his seatbelt than my easy child is now.
Our therapist outlined a plan for me to actually create rages in my son. Sounds weird, but it worked. It took wks and mo's but it was worth it (now that it's over ... at the time, I thought I'd lose my mind). I would pick up difficult child from school, (that's an automatic assumption of stress; he's tired from school, plus it's a transition) but I also brought a snack. He would say "Where are we going?" Some days I'd say "Home" and go straight home. Other days, I'd say, "Grocery store, post office, and dropping something off at a friend's house" (or whatever). Then I would deliberately change the order, guaranteeing a meltdown.
Sometimes I would drive around and let him rage. Other times I would pull the car over and tell him to be quiet.
I can't believe he never kicked out the windshield, because he came very close a few times!
He ruined many CDs at a huge cost, but he was so young, I never had him replace them.
I put phone books in the car for him to shred, too. Sometimes if I were going inside, say, when he was 5 and I had to run to the grocery store for 1 quick thing, I'd let him sit in the car and shred phone books. Unfortunately, he'd find the one or 2 nice books I had and shred those, too. I asked him why he did that and he said, "It relaxes me."
Good thing he learned to use words because when he was much younger, I thought he was being spiteful.
If I could go back in time ...
Anyway, aside from giving him (and myself) a quick break, I normally did not leave him in the car alone. I had to put up with-the raging.
After a few tries, he calmed down. And so did I. I learned that I could cause a rage by doing X,Y, Z, which gave me a huge sense of empowerment and comprehension I hadn't had b4. And of course, it taught me what NOT to do, LOL!
It also taught him coping skills. It taught him that even though he wasn't in total control of his environment, the world was not coming to an end. I was still his mom; we're still in the same car; we're still doing the errands, albeit in a diff order; he still goes home to the same house and sleeps in the same bed.
Quite often, I'd start a parrotting or call-and respond conversation that went, "Who's in charge?"
"Mom is."
"Louder."
"Mom is."
"Who's in charge?"
Sigh.
"Come on."
"Mom."
"Louder!"
"MOM IS!"
It helped get some of the stress out of his system, even though he didn't want to admit I was in charge, but yelling can be therapeutic.
It took him yrs to calm down to where he can say/shout he'd rather not go somewhere (he still shouts when he doesn't want to do something and we're working on that), rather than have a total rage.
He was way ahead of other kids I saw who were still raging out of control at age 9, for example. (Don't get me wrong; he still rages. He just doesn't do it in public any more.)
You won't get rid of all the rages, at least at this age. Your goal is to recognize what trigger the rages; how NOT to ramp him up; and to teach him to communicate to you that he is feeling out of control and needs a break. (Too bad the time out card didn't work. What a shame, for something that is supposed to work. Grrr.) Eventually, he will learn the feeling of an oncoming rage and prevent it by either walking out of the room or just telling someone he's not feeling well or is agitated, and to give him space.
I hope this helps and doesn't confuse you more!
