AZ MOM not standing down...how do i prove my adult child is doing drugs?

[Trixy Rose]

AZ Mom not standing down. How do I prove that my adult child who has moved back in with me is doing drugs. I have a 20 yr son back living with me. Over the past year he has moved out because he did not like the house rules. Been homeless ect. Last September he moved near his dad who had found a room for him to rent paid 2 month and told him he had 2 month to find a job and pay his own rent or he would be evicted. He did find a job but recently was fired. He called me asking me for help I gave him phone numbers and addresses of churches, salvation army, food boxes and places hiring. He said he checked into them but still did not have a job. Due to the snow and not having a car or dl he wanted to come back here. I told him the rules before coming, he verbally agreed. I drafted a House Rules Contract. Well he came home just Saturday. He went out Sat night & did not come home he did tell me where he was going. Yesterday he went to volunteer at a VFW with grandma and brother, a term of the contract. After work he said that he was going to help a friend finish a job. Which he was paid $20.00, per contract I gave back $7.00. He don't like the stipulations, 1/3 for room and board & 1/3 into savings. Last night he called at 10:30 pm said he would be home a bit later. I love the person he was with but she has major pill addiction. The first rule is drug free zero tolerance immediate eviction. I suspected he had smoked pot before coming to my home. I do not want to give him any time to think rules wont be enforced. How do I prove that my grown son, 20yrs old, living in my home is doing drugs?
AZ Mom

 

[Calamity Jane]

Hi and welcome,
The easy answer is to get a home drug test kit (usually at large chain drug stores - full spectrum kit is about $45-60/marijuana only kit is half that price) and drug test him on the spot. The test will NOT show things like spice, and other illicit substances and of course, alcohol. His behavior and demeanor is a good indication.
If you are alone and if you think he will be violent or abusive if you ask, then don't do it. If he balks, he's probably on something - my son always volunteered to be tested when he really was clean, but if we caught him off guard, he would 'fess up before even taking the test.
If you are uncomfortable that you are becoming his "prison guard" in your home, then you will need to find a way to tell him this just isn't working out, and he will have to find another place to stay. I am sorry for your troubles.

 

[DaisyFace]

Trixy--

I think you need to be careful about being caught up in a game of what you can "prove"....these kids (kid - he's 20 - I know, I get it) are incredibly clever when it comes to covering their tracks. The drug tests are a good idea...to a point - they do not catch everything.

What else is in the "House Rules" ?

It will probably be easier to get him for breaking some of those....

 

[susiestar]

He is an adult. You are not a cop. Suspicion of drug use should count as far as you are concerned. For that matter, why is he staying at people's houses overnight with no notice, or at all? If he can stay overnight with someone, then he can live with them or find another couch to flop on. I know Hound Dog, who has been here a long time, told her adult kids that there would be no sleepovers. If you want a sleepover, move out. Your house, your rules.

If you truly want to be 'sure' beyond smelling his clothes and vehicle, his demeanor, etc..., order some drug tests. Do NOT NOT NOT EVER EVER EVER give him privacy to pee into a cup. Stand and actually watch what he does. No, it isn't 'fun', but MANY users will tape a baloon or rubber glove with clean urine into their crotch area, with a tube taped down so it looks like they are urinating. You also should be able to tell the urine is warm, not cold.

Not all substances show on all drug tests, often they are specific for a single drug or combo. You can find a wide variety on amazon, and also some at walmart or the local drug store or grocery. Be sure you understand the risks fo false positives and negatives.

I would simply tell him you don't have to prove it. He went to hang out with an addict and that is enough. It is not believable that he would go to spend time with her and not get high, though he wll lie about it like you won't believe. Mostly whatever he says about not using, you shouldn't believe.

PLEASE find an alanon type group you feel comfortable in, and a therapist to help you navigate this ordeal. Every. Single. Penny. of. Support. You. Provide. Allows. Him. to. Use. Whatever. Money. He. Makes. For. Drugs.

If you have to give him anything, give food, clothing, shoes, etc... but never with a receipt and never ever even a penny because all his cash goes to drugs/alcohol. Gift cards are a bad idea as htey are easily exchanged for money, as are electronics, ipods, etc...

He is using drugs. Who owns the car he drives? If you and/or his father own the title to the car or pay the insurance, STOP NOW. You have given him a deadly weapon to use while impaired. If it is in his name, you cannot do much except refuse to pay the ins and let the cops know when and where he goes in it. If you own it, take out the spark plug wires, and spark plugs so that he cannot drive it. If he hurts someone in an accident while he is impaired, it will be a drastic, possibly deadly, wakeup call. You could find yourself liable for his actions even though he is an adult.

Some states say that if someone leaves your home impaired, and you allow them to drive a vehicle, then YOU bear at least the financial liability. While I think it is totally messed up, it is the law in some places.

I am sorry you have to cope with this. I really hope and pray that you do not have to fight to get him out of the home. It really does not sound like he intends to honor the contract, and I hope that consequences for infractions are clearly spelled out.

Welcome to our group, others will come along soon with more advice/info.

 

[toughlovin]

OK I am guessing you want to prove he is using drugs so that you can show him the house rules, how he is not meeting them and that he needs to move out? Is that correct? I get that, I have been there and I know that feeling of wanting to have good evidence so that your justification for making him move out is clear and "fair".

What others have said is true, there are home drug tests, but they dont test for everything and there are ways around them. If you are going to use them then you need to see him pee to make sure he is really taking it properly. And there are plenty of things that dont show up.

I think it would be better to take a look at your rules and if he is following them. If he is not then tell him he needs to move out. You really dont need any more justifcation than that. And bottom line is it is not a good life lesson for him to learn he can live at home and disobey all the rules... out in society if you disobey the rules you end up in jail.

And I totally agree with finding a good alanon group, especially one that is specifically for parents. Going to alanon has elped me immensely.

TL