B’s obsession

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by B’smom, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    B’s social worker at the treatment centre called and brought up the cards he’s obsessed over. These cards were removed from our home when he assaulted a teacher at school and suspended because she didn’t have time to look at his card. They’ve been banned. Anyways, they give out reward points and B picked the cards knowing he’s not allowed to have them. I told household staff no cards. Then the psychologist called me and tried to convince me to let him have them, I told her no. Then I told the social worker two weeks ago no. I am traumatized over these cards. This week she brings them up again because they as a group (all the doctors) believe we should allow him to keep them.

    Tried explaining that I’m having a hard time with him coming back, having to go back to the screaming and swearing and they want to add these cards? Again she presses that they want to develop a plan for him to keep these cards.

    Those cards are honestly the one thing we do not want to budge on. B is going to come home, I’m going to take them away and he’ll hate/target me even more. Something I have expressed to them.
    He was able to leave school last week and go back to the house to ensure the cards were all still there. cause in real life, this will be possible. They did this because he was upset his backpack was open and thought he lost his stuff.

    They stressed the fact that he needs to learn how to deal with the cards. That he may go to a friends birthday party and get them as thank you gifts-except he doesn’t have friends nor is he ever invited to parties. So I doubt will actually happen. And they said he’ll see them at school and other kids have them. (I wanted Nike’s and a cell phone growing up but we don’t always get what we want).

    But here I am, waking up multiple times a night thinking about getting him to school without these cards. Life will be impossible with them around.

    I’m a pretty flexible person, I’m willing to compromise but those cards..... those cards made our lives HELL. He hit his little brother many times because B left them lying around the house. He was 3, they pick up stuff.

    I don’t know what to do. B comes home in two weeks full time whether I’m ready or not. The thought is making me ill. I’m seriously considering signing over my rights and putting him in care. Which also breaks my heart. After all, he’s still so young (10).

    Hubby and I aren’t doing the best right now. He asked me if I’m only with him because of the kids..... I couldn’t answer that because I’m not sure anymore. He’s my best friend, but am I in love with him still? I don’t know, I’m not even sure who I am anymore. How can I possibly love someone while being so lost on the inside.

    Anyways thank you for listening to me vent.
     
  2. Mumunderfire

    Mumunderfire New Member

    Hi B's mom I don't have experience of obsessional behaviour like this but if they want him to be able to deal with the cards have they made any progress with that or have a strategy for you to follow? Maybe they feel that it is not worth waging a war on this because of the mental health issue which is driving it. I do t know but I can tell that it has had a terrible effect on everyone. I am so sorry.
    I feel your stress and pain it's so difficult and I totally get the stress it puts on a relationship. I am hoping that if we ever get any respite from the problems we will rebuild what we had. I know what you mean when you say you don't know who you are its like a form of ptsd.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What kind of cards do you mean and why are you so against him having them? Is he on the autism spectrum?Those kids are very Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). My son was addicted to videogames and we let him play them. He still likes them as an autistic adult but autistics will replace one obsession for another if we make them give up an obsession. Its part of the disorder, not a behavior problem....my son gets more normal each year but he lives alone now and does what he wants to do. We dont mind. He works and does sports too. He has every video system too. He bought them. As long as he functions well, we are fine with it.

    Are you talking about playing cards?
     
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2018
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I believe whatever you need to be able to handle this you should get. I believe you are holding all of this together. It is like the Greek goddess that holds the world in her arms. You know the image. That is you.

    If you cannot handle the cards, you can't. He cannot come home.

    I believe your sanity and sense of self matter as much or more right now than specific issues of your son's. If the treatment team cannot "get" that your feelings and coping matter, the whole thing needs to be reconceived. They are wrong. You are right.

    At the same time your husband matters and your marriage matters. Your other children matter. You are a family. The whole cannot be sacrificed for a part. My heart aches for you and your husband. He is suffering too.

    If you can I would urge you to put the brakes on this. Read your words. You feel like the freight train is coming and you are tied to the tracks. Free yourself. Whatever it takes. How is b served by your being run over, sacrificed. And your other kids?

    I don't care whether this is a hallmark of his illness. You are his mother. Not his treatment team. If he can't tolerate being without his cards, he needs to be in an environment where his symptoms can be tolerated and contained and hopefully moderated. Nobody should force you or judge you. You are a mother. Of three. Not just one. And a wife. And a person. You count.

    You can walk this back. You have power.
     
  5. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    They’re playing cards (you battle, trade them, etc). I’m against them because he gets verbally and physically aggressive about them- if he lost one, leaving them at home when going to school (schools rules now), someone touching them, etc. We’ve taken them away and given them back multiple times with very clear rules, but it always ends the same way. He becomes extremely obsessed over them and loses all sense of life and rational thinking. I can’t even begin to explain the entire story of these cards. Just think: severe aggression.

    Earlier this year, he assaulted a teacher because she told him she was busy at the moment and couldn’t look at the card. He was home 15 mins after the first bell rang. That’s when we decided absolutely no more.
    They’re a nightmare. He’s hit his little brother many times for picking them up off the floor.


    As for the diagnosis, my belief is he’s on the spectrum. I guess I’ll find out what the treatment facility believes on Thursday when we have his final plan of care.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018 at 4:24 AM
  6. B’smom

    B’smom Member


    Their strategies are based on what he wants. So my issue is, if he doesn’t want to brush his teeth, they don’t make him. It’s his choice. But really, who is going to pay for all his dental work due to cavities? Me. The same goes with school. He’s attending school while he’s there and he’s allowed to bring anything he wants: currently it’s a pillow, a blanket, a large backpack of toys and stuffed animals and his playing cards.

    This is how they get him to school. This is not the same rules that his home school has. Absolutely no toys/stuffed animals etc are allowed. I have a son that just started this year and he’s not even allowed to bring a comfort item.
    I’m honestly really worried how we’ll get him to school when he returns. With B, the second you do something once, say yes one time- it becomes a routine. And we will probably spend the next 3-4 weeks fighting in the am about not bringing toys to school.
    Am routine is hard enough- we fight to get up, to get dressed, to eat. If we don’t fight those battles then he’ll wait until it’s time to go and flip out because he’s hungry or has pj’s on. Refused to get on the bus and then I’m late for work.
     
  7. B’smom

    B’smom Member


    You’re absolutely right. I’ve been trying to get the husband to understand this. I think he’s slowly understanding the impact of the entire family because of B.

    My youngest wants to play soccer this fall. But with B, getting him to do anything is a struggle (ex: we asked him to try on his new shoes, he screamed and swore for 5-10mins). So imagine having to pack him up for an activity that’s not for him, having him sit there for 45min while his brother plays.

    So My little one’s wants are sacrificed for B. Hubby and I work mostly opposite shifts, leaving him home is not an option. Over and over again we sacrifice for B’s needs. We don’t go out because of B.

    I did speak with his mental health worker in our town last week. I was very honest with her that I don’t think I want him back. At least not full time. She spoke about applying for funding to have people consistently come in and be with him so we can manage (our government is moving towards that because it’s cheaper). That funding process I guess is long and unlikely he’ll qualify. Im applying anyways despite my want: I don’t want people in my house, I want him out. But the thought of B gone completely also breaks my heart.

    My only other option is putting him in care. Since I doubt anyone is equipped to care for B in our area, we’ll end up in a group home hours away. Something that also breaks my heart. She pointed out what I was already aware of: CAS (CPS in the states) will step in if he hurts the little one badly enough. He attends a different school than B, even has a different last name. I wanted him to not be hindered from B’s history. This school does not know me or B. They’ll most likely call. I’m ok with that. I don’t think I’ll make a decision to “cut off” the hand to save the body until I’m left with little choice.

    The only reason they haven’t stepped in already was because I work where the little one attended childcare. He’s had black eyes and bruises from B. They knew and trusted that A- I wasn’t me, B- that I’m doing everything I can to prevent it.
    But I worry still, I’ve been debating on calling LO’s school and talking with the principal, explaining the situation. But then they’ll know and they’ll judge him for his brothers actions. I think I’ll do it anyways, try to be proactive with this.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What about an IEP for school? My son had one since before kindergarden. My son is doing well. Many of his quirky behaviors are gone now, although to be fair, he was never a behavior problem. The worst would be he would cry if he had to stop doing something in the middle of the activity. He did not like change. But we learned how to handle this. He was never dangerous. So its different.

    I guess I am more worried about putting a young child into care before all has been tried then I would be putting an adult out of the house. But I dont know your story and you do have younger kids. I just think he could be helped. He probably should not be in regular school. He needs flexibility and an IEP, like my son did at first. And my son had a normal IQ. But we hired an advocate to help us. Every district has FREE advocates to help us. Message me or just state it here if you are interested in finding one.

    I guess I am thinking of my own son who had addictive behaviors and challenges but is doing so well. Its not fair because they are different people.

    I sincerely hope you find the answer for you. I do suggest at least working with and listening to the professionals. They are mental health professionals and can call the school and help work a plan. An IEP. Schools dont listen well to parents but are much more helpful with professionals.

    You are very young to be dealing with three kids, one very diifferent and challenging. We adopted our son when I was 40 and he was our third child so we had a lot of experience. Do you have any family that could or would be willing to help?

    Whatever you decide, know we will all support you.

    Love and light.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018 at 5:58 AM
  9. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    He has an IEP, he has been given many exceptions due to his disabilities. He gets tons of breaks and sensory items to help, etc. He’s also identified in the board on a IPRC (Identification, Placement, and Review Committee) as a child with behavioural and language diagnoses. The school technically is going above and beyond their requirements. They’re not a treatment facility but a school for learning. But they do it anyways.

    One of the main concerns is that he’s unpredictable. His teacher last year asked him to hang up his backpack. He called her a “selfish :censored2:ing :censored2:” and threw a desk. Any demand placed on him, can cause a severe outburst. Last year, a child in his room was telling a joke, B didn’t like that so he put him in a head lock and attempted to strangle him. Then took a pair of scissors and threatened to stab that child. He was suspended.

    He’s been on many different medications to help. Everything helps for a short time before it stops, included behaviour modification. It appears that the reward (things, time, etc) becomes an obsession and then makes things worse.

    Unfortunately we don’t have anything other than normal schools in our community. Even the closest specialized school (1.5 hours away) for children with disabilities won’t take him due to behaviours. Every agency in our community turns him away, either because of behaviours or the lack of an ID (intellectual disability). They just keep giving him mental health diagnoses which don’t help us gain support. The agencies we do have involved are all private which gets expensive. The speech therapist at the school board refuses to work with him. So we pay $80 for 30 mins so he can continue to make advancements on his communication skills. I’m told it would help with the outbursts. We have a behavioural consultant that comes to the house $35/hr. Again, his suggestions help for a short time and then they no longer work. He have exhausted all resources in our community, which is why we turned to the treatment facility out of town.

    The place he’s currently at is regarded as one the best places to get help in our province. It’s only short term though (12 weeks max). They plan on going to the school as well to help them with B. But their strategies are already what the school is doing: CPS- Collaborative Problem Solving by Dr Ross Greene. It was also something we were already doing at home. I was trained on it at school. I honestly work really well with the professionals, I have done everything they’ve asked me to do. I just can’t bring back these cards.

    My concern is that while there, they have the time to wait him out. He wants to take 45 mins to transition off electronics in the am before school, that’s fine with them. They’re already at work, they have no where else to be. And if they do, they have tons of other staff to cover them. He can be late for school while at treatment. He wants to bring all his belongings to school, great. His home school has specifically requested he brings nothing because of the severe reaction it causes.

    At home, I do not have that luxury. I have to drive my other son to school and get to work. And after being called every horrible thing in the book by 9 am, I’m emotional exhausted.
    We just feel hopeless, unfortunately moving isn’t an option.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just noticed you do t use U.S spelling. Since things are done differently in different countries may I ask where you live? Maybe somebody who also lives in your country has better ideas. Our schools have to deal with all children, regardless of severity of disability but I dont know what its like where you reside.

    On speech therapy, my son did not speak much until age 5. He was in speech since very young even teaching him to properly use his tonque, but nothing cost us anything. The therapists were all part of the community services or in school. Sounds pricey for you. That is too bad. My sons outbursts stopped once he could communicate. He also required occupational therapy and social skills classes which were all part of his rights in school and the community. His IQ is normal too but he was not penalized for that. I am sorry it is so hard to get help.

    Part of autism is extreme difficulty with transitioning. Now my son is 25 and transitions when he has to. But it was slow going when he was young. I did not work. I could not have worked or been on a demanding schedule and also helped my son. But I was married so we lived on one income. I found ways to help my son transition but he also helped himself and although he was in a regular school he was in a small special education class where he thrived. He had some mainstream classes with an aide.

    I dont know how to do this without a very flexible job or not working. These kids can not always respond to normal schedules, so we cant either unless somebody else helps us. They can not all conform to social norm schedules until they have had interventions. My son always went to school but he I think my son may have been less severe. Not that it was always smooth but again he had continuous help for his differences.

    They are treating your son as if he has mental illness rather than testing for neurological differences such as autism. Can you take him to a Neuro Psychologist instead of a regular paychologist? They did ten hours of testing on my son. It pinpointed his problem. Mental health therapy didnt resonate with my son. He needed autism interventions. This changed him!

    Keep the faith!
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018 at 7:05 AM
  11. Elsi

    Elsi Member

    B’sMom, I just wanted to say I hear the pain and frustration in your posts. You are in a very difficult circumstance and I don’t think anyone has the right to judge you for whatever you ultimately decide. You’re right - you can’t sacrifice the rest of the family, including yourself and your marriage, to accommodate the needs of one. If he is dangerous to your little and to others in his school, it may turn out that neither you nor the school are equipped to meet his need and protect the safety of others. This is not going to get easier as he gets older and bigger unless some other strategies can be found.

    As someone on the milder end of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD), I am inclined to sympathize with B and his card obsession. The anxiety he feels when a card is missing, or picked up by someone else, or when the cards are taken away is probably very real and very intense. And i think there is a possibility that if he can’t have the cards he’ll find something else to fixate on, which may or may not be any easier to deal with.

    But I hear you and trust you when you say that the cards can’t be an option at your house now. Your first priority has to be protecting your little here and if that has been a trigger for physical abuse that can’t go on. The outbursts you describe are not just your average autistic meltdowns. He is actively threatening others. This will get scarier as he gets bigger and stronger if he can’t learn to control his emotions.

    I’m concerned that the treatment facility hasn’t given you strategies that don’t amount to ‘give him what he wants/let him do it on his time schedule and in his own way.’ If that is truly the only way to get through the day with him, I think you are right to be thinking about residential options. I can only imagine what a heartbreaking choice that must be to make. But it sounds like he needs a dedicated full time caregiver who can cater to his needs, or a residential facility that can work with him where he is. With two other kids and a job - which I am assuming that, like most of us, you need to keep the family afloat - it’s not possible for you to be that person. There isn’t enough of you to go around, and you are working with the constraints of having to hold down a job, conform to his home school’s expectations, and meet the needs of your other children. The continued conflict in the home can’t be good for anyone, including B.

    I don’t think there are any easy answers here. Please don’t feel guilty for feeling the way you feel. You’re understandably overwhelmed and exhausted after years of daily battles. You have PTSD. You’re rightly worried about the effects on your other children. Nobody has the superhuman powers to deal with that stress on an ongoing basis and not come to a breaking point.

    Keep exploring those options, and stand your ground when explaining what you can and can’t do and what is and isn’t possible with his local school. I don’t know what the options are for services in your country, but I think you’re right to keep looking for solutions that don’t put you and your other children in harms way.

    Sending hugs and support your way.
     
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  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I believe your children (let alone you and the teachers) are already maxed out.

    That your little one goes to nursery school with bruises and black eyes breaks my heart. This child matters too. He should not be sacrificed, in my opinion.

    What about involving cps now, before b comes home. And let them who are neutral make an evaluation about risk. Bs welfare is at stake too. Do you really believe he is protected by his illness if something bad happens? What he did with that teacher is up to the line and over it.

    I know it is not me who suffers the consequences. I have my own. B needs to be where his needs are protected and others are safe. You are taking care of his needs but cannot keep him or others safe. This is a reality.

    It seems you accept cps will be involved eventually why not now? If they say the family is safe, and kids at school, that's one thing. If not another plan needs to be found.

    PS I think all those teachers at your children's schools are saints and I think you must be too.
     
    Last edited: Sep 17, 2018 at 2:18 PM
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The problem is.....be careful with residential.

    I was a foster mom and saw the inside of two State run residentials and they were scary....security guards carrying little kids to the padded locked quiet room with the young child screaming. Drug shots. No real close care. Too many kids. Too little staff. Uneducated staff (the security guards who carried kids away etc.)

    I am sure some are better than these but I would scout around and decide. The good ones may be pricey. And it is hard for them to help...they have so many kids. But if you check around one may resonate with you. The ones I saw were for Medicaid patients in the U.S. One has since been shut down. This made big news in our state. But there are special schools and Im sure better residentials. The problem may be the price. Check check check.

    Sometimes young kids can not be helped at home and we have to find alternative living. But not all of it is good. Please realize we all support you here regardless of what you choose.

    Love and light.
     
  14. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    I’m in Ontario, Canada.

    B is in full mainstream with a 1:1 support (educational assistant) at all times. But if someone else needs help and B is ok then they’ll go help. Which is usually when things happen (like when he attached the child over the joke).

    Things work differently in our area. In order to see a specialist, you have to convince your doctor to refer you. Your child won’t even have a paediatrician unless your GP believes your child should see one. You cannot refer yourself. I think it’s becomes our government pays for it all so they filter through all referrals by using your GP to do that job. If the doctors at the treatment centre don’t believe he’s on the spectrum, there’s no way I could convince my GP to refer me to one. I guess I’ll have more information to use on Thursday when they give me their clinical diagnoses. Hopefully it’s something we can use to get him help.

    Thank you for sharing. I can understand to a certain degree as well, I know what it’s like to lose something important and the immediate conflict of emotions you go through. My reaction though is not to physically lash out, which is where our concerns stem from. It breaks my heart to take things away from B. I don’t know what else to do. When we took them away, he hadn’t replaced the obsession with anything that caused that type of reaction and it was typically short lived (loved trash packs for a month, then hockey cards, etc)

    It’s something I’m slowly coming to terms with since I came here. To be honest I never really thought about it in that way. I’ve been explaining it to J (hubby) as well. I think it’s helped us open our eyes in a way. It’s always all been about B and this residential stay has forced us to focus on the bigger picture as well.

    No I know he’s not protected, which terrifies me. Something I also spoke to his mental health worker about. I worry about my son going to jail, and what will happen to him there. Sickening thoughts considering he’s only 10.
    I’ll speak with his mental health worker about involving CPS this week. She works closely with them. Perhaps she can help us facilitate the conversation. That thought also terrifies me because I’m in a similar field. That call and their investigation could cause me to lose my job. I’ll definitely have to talk to the mental health worker more on this.

    They absolutely are. We have been extremely fortunate that they truly care about his wellbeing and success. We tell them all the time, verbally and with gifts of wine

    Omg that’s absolutely horrible!!! The current treatment facility he’s at, nothing locks them from getting out (Only from getting into rooms). So if B is in his room, he can leave but if the door is shut, no one without a key can get in. So other children cant enter the space.

    I’m almost positive it’s actually illegal to lock a child into any type of room- but I’d definitely have to double check that. But worse things have happened. I’m just not sure what to do. So many emotions consistently running. I don’t know what’s best anymore.

    Thank you SWOT, I appreciate your support and it does help.


    I say I want him out but I think I’ll never actually make that choice unless I’m forced. At the end of the day, I love him. But I also love my little one too. If J hit the kids, then he’d be gone. How do you do that when it’s your child? I’ve had to remove B’s hands because he was strangling LO, black eyes from punches and almost going down a flight of stairs when B tried to kick him down it.

    We’ve gone to wrap meetings (basically one person from each agency in our community). No one offers to help as I’ve explained these situations we’re in. There’s also a rep from CPS now that I think about it. I’m shocked they didn’t get involved right there and then
     
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    How are you in any way culpable for what b does? I don't see it. You have done and are doing everything possible and more. In my view there can be no professional culpability here, by acting responsibly.

    I would think your vulnerability individually could come more from not acting to protect your other children, as opposed to involving cps. But don't take my word for it please. In any event before I took such a step I would involve a family attorney with experience in such situations.

    What I hope you are accepting now is that there is no 100 present right option...and that is why you feel like :censored2:ing :censored2:. Because you love every single person involved. And your life is at stake too. That is one reason I keep urging you to keep working at forgiving yourself. And all this goes for your husband too.

    Many years ago I worked on a study of siblings of kids who had cystic fibrosis. It was almost exactly the same dynamic. All of the parents'focus and resources were on the ill child. The study was about how the other siblings were affected.

    I think if you make it a front and center practice to acknowledge that you are in a circumstance that taxes everybody in horribly unrelenting ways this will become more bearable. Paradoxically.

    I mean think about it. Should hurricane victims blame themselves for not coping? Or if you are on the Titanic and there's no space on the one life raft is it your fault? These events while affecting individuals are a product of causes way beyond them. Everybody is a victim.

    All of us here come to the forum struggling with responsibility and guilt and a lack of control. We blame ourselves. Until we stop.
     
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    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018 at 12:11 PM
  16. B’smom

    B’smom Member

    You bring up a good point. While talking to his mental health worker, I brought up my fear of CPS potentially affect my employment. She said she’d stand by me if that ever happens as she’s been to all the meetings and my multiple requests for help because of B’s behaviours towards LO. I’m hoping what saves me possibly is if it does come to that, is that I have always been honest with any and all professionals that we’ve worked with. The school and the wrap team have been notified. Even his psychiatrist is aware that he’s physical assaulted LO. His exact response to the black eye he gave LO was “I’m shocked the childcare hasn’t called CPS”. I explained that I worked there and they knew it wasn’t me or J causing the injuries.


    I’ve explained how I have to shower while LO is in the washroom (but not in the shower with me) to ensure he’s safe. Although I do wonder how long I can get away with that before someone deems that inappropriate. Especially considering we aren’t the same gender. But it’s what I have had to do to ensure everyone is safe since I still have to get ready for work.

    J and I have talked about our relationship. He’s suggested he get counselling and that perhaps it would be a good idea that we attend marriage counselling to help us. As much as he might suck sometimes, I really am lucky to have him. I do believe he loves as much as anyone could and the fact that he’s willing to seek help, helps me know he’s committed. Maybe I can find some time for myself and get help for me too. We both have a day off this week together, our GP has a walk in counselling sessions. Hoping we can go together and maybe work some things out.
    I think he’s finally starting to truly see how this is affecting everyone in our family, both individually and as a whole. Guess time will tell. It complicated, as most relationships are.
     
  17. Elsi

    Elsi Member

    I think counseling is always a good idea when facing extraordinary circumstances. This has to put tremendous strain on the marriage, which only adds to the stress. Focusing on your emotional needs, the safety needs of the family, and the strength of your marriage sounds like a good place to start here. You cannot help B if you are not strong yourself, and feeling stronger in your relationship together can only help, regardless of the path you ultimately take.

    You've already proven yourself to be incredibly strong, for a very long time. Don't forget to give yourself credit for that.
     
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am shocked at the response of the psychiatrist to expect the school to take responsibility to call cps when he has direct responsibility.

    In the states medical professionals are mandated reporters. I am one. Had I been told I would have to assess whether I was mandated to report.

    I would not necessarily expect these professionals to protect you. Their job is to protect kids and identical potential victims. But of course they are protecting themselves too. Feeling bad. Feeling guilty. Feeling sorry for you. Feeling sorry for b and wanting top shield him.

    But trust me should something happen you could be out there on a limb by yourself. Because each of the individuals you site could well have reporting requirements both morally and legally they are denying or rationalizing.

    In crisis--these have to be faced. People act to protect themselves.

    I am not trying to scare you. But the thing is you and these others know there is risk. And that this risk could potentially worsen. This is your fear. It is real. You fear you cannot prevent what could happen. This is a reality.

    As horrible and hard it might be to confront this fear, it could be easier to do while there is shared responsibility to deal with outcomes and contingencies while he is still in the treatment facility. Why not think about going to a family attorney? Is that possible?
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018 at 12:15 PM
  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Every single one of these professionals has skin in the game. They need to help you. They may think and feel like they are in consulting or advisory roles, but they are in this too. Big time.

    You have power here (while you child is in residential, in particular) to say halt: these are the facts here. And put them in writing.

    Read your threads. Everything is here.

    My child needs to be where he is safe. And has a chance.

    As it is now he is not safe to come home:. And this is why.

    Date stamp the letter and send a copy certified to the facility and to each member of the treatment team. I promise you. When they feel individually liable, they may think about this differently. Put each harm event in the letter.

    PS in my work I was hated by some colleagues. Because that is the approach I took. When the complaints of patients were outside the scope of my practice and had been ignored by those who were responsible I would use their words (the patient's). I would cc to the chart and I would send it to the responsible professional.

    This was considered uncool. We were supposed to protect each other's backs. Oh well. But I was working with dependent adults who had no recourse if their needs were neglected. I was their voice

    You are the voice for your children. You are your own voice.

    You are my hero. You are doing the impossible. You are right.
     
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Copa...this is in Canada. The whole system could be totally different. It sounds, in fact, like it is. Do we know what power parents have in Canada? You know more about other countries than I do. I know nothing.

    The health system doesnt allow the parents to choose taking a child to a type of professional of the parent's choice due to the national healthcare. That is very limiting. We can take our kids to the types of professionals we like. Its different.

    Are there even mandated reporters there? Is CPS the same?

    I personally dont have a clue how it works in Canada.

    Copa, kudos to you. You sound like a caring psychologist willing to put your neck on the line to help those who desperately needed it. Never ever think you did not add so much goodness to this world. You were very brave.
     
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2018 at 12:59 PM