Back Again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by happymomof2, Jun 15, 2010.

  1. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    Hi everyone, it's been a long time since I have posted here. The struggles with difficult child had settled somewhat. Reared it's ugly head a few times here and there but wasn't an everyday issue.

    Last few months he has been smoking pot and drinking. He got suspended again on his birthday because he went to school high. They were going to place him in an alternative school but we decided against it because he only had 19 days of school left and is trying to get into the Florida Youth Challange Academy. All of our paperwork is in and now we are waiting for an interview.

    FYCA has 200 openings and 500 kids trying to get in so we aren't even sure if he will get in, if he does get in I don't even know if he will stay in. They have to want to go and stay, no one makes them. Once in after 2 weeks he gets 1 - 5 min. phone call a week, then they have one family day where the family goes to visit. They get 2 days to come home but not consecutive. The total program last 6 months and with any luck they end up with there highschool diploma or GED. It is at a military camp nearby our home.

    He is swearing up and down he hasn't smoked pot in over a week. If he gets accepted into the program the first day they give everyone p test. If there dirty they won't take them. I think they can re-apply to get in for the next session, not sure.

    Last night after husband, easy child and I went to bed he left with his girlfriend. They went to a party and he got drunk. He is still having anger issues and when they got home about 5:30 this morning he was acting out because his girlfriend now wants to leave him. She is afraid of him and I don't blame her. I am afraid of him and for him. He was talking a bunch of smack this morning while he was drunk about harming her and her friends if she leaves him. Most of his "friends" don't want to hang out with him anymore they have labled him "crazy". Don't blame them either, he went to a party about a month ago and kicked a guy in the face because the guy hit his girlfriend. I can understand taking up for your girlfriend but kicking someone in the face????

    I called work and told them I wouldn't be there today. husband hung around until difficult child passed out then went to work. Told him to keep his cell phone nearby.

    Now I am sitting her worried and stressed about when difficult child wakes up and where this will go from there.

    One of my sisters told me to have him emancipated and toss him out - she is very loving and supportive so I don't mean to say she said that flipantly. My mom heart can't throw him out on the street with no job, no money and no place to go. He is now 17. I am worried sick about him and what this is doing to all of us.

    Last time I took him to a counselor she promptly told me there is no medication for "anger". He has seen numerous counselors over the years. I am sure they helped a little but he is the one that has to gain control over his anger.

    Not looking for anyone to fix this problem, guess I just need some hugs at this point.

    Thanks for listening
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    OK... I'll send you hugs!!!!! Wanted to before I read that line.

    He is threatening his girlfriend? That's extremely frightening, and she should not have to deal with that. Tell her to talk to her parents, or a domestic violence shelter - she has the right to be free AND safe. And if he's talking about hurting her friends - that's even worse.

    For that matter, so do you have the right to be free and safe... And do I hear an underlying note of fear? It's your house - your rules - and he is out till 5:30 AM? Does your town have a curfew? Ours has two - one for up-to-16 and one 16-18.

    You're very brave to be there by yourself when he awakens. Make sure you have the local PD on speed dial if he has been drinking/drugging. LOTS more hugs, too.
  3. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Stepto2, this may not be the case with happymomof2, but I know in my situation there is no keeping difficult child in. And when she is here it is a nightmare for every one. She makes every one in the house miserable. She cusses at husband and I (Heaven knows how many times I have had to pull husband back because he wanted to whop her for her mouth), she yells at her brother, and there is a general feeling of stress, tension and anger in the home. I had shipped her up to my mother's for a few months as a break, and I have to say it was the most peaceful our home had ever been. So, when she leaves it is a gift for the rest of us. May sound like lazy parenting but after 17 years I just can't do it anymore...I wish she didn't live here and that is the honest truth. :(
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Trust me, I know about the no keeping the kid in. We try, but we do have to sleep sometime. Onyxx seems to know when we're the most asleep.

    Just worried about the abusive behavior... been there done that and will NOT go back... WILL help out if I can... Or just listen.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am so sorry that your son is acting out this way. It really can be impossible to keep them in. In order to emancipate him he would have to have a steady source of income and some kind of responsible plan that the courts would agree to. It is very hard to do. You can turn him over to foster care. As dangerous as he sounds, I am sure that no one feels safe at home around him.

    Has he ever had a full neuropsychologist evaluation or multidisciplinary evaluation? Are you dealing with any mental illness that you know of? Is there a family history of substance abuse (including alcoholism)? These can help you figure out what is going on. It does not sound as if he will be cooperative with therapy of any kind. Would he cooperate?

    When he leaves the house with-o permission you can file runaway charges. They probably won't go looking for him, but enough of a paper trail and eventually the courts will do something. If he is using drugs you need to call the police. If he has drugs in your home you need to call the police. It is likely going to take a while and quite a paper trail but it may be a way to have him sent to rehab for help and anger management.

    If he hurts anyone in the home or destroys anything in the home you NEED to file domestic violence charges. More and more these are being taken very seriously by the courts, esp when it is a son against his mother or sister(s). Physical violence or threats of violence simply must be a top priority. They cannot be allowed to happen. If your daughter sees him being allowed to abuse either you or herself it will send a message that it is OK to let someone she cares about hurt her. I know it is not what you want to teach her.

    It would be a good idea to sit down with your husband and figure out a safety plan. What do you do if difficult child comes home and hits the walls? Hits you? Threatens you? Hurts his sister? One of the pets? Work out where you each go, what you each do. Write it down, ask your daughter for input, and then rehearse it when he isn't home.

    Make sure that there is a phone in whatever rooms you will go to when he is violent. You may need to call 911. Figure out when that should happen and make sure it is in the plan.

    have you thought about what will happen if he does not get into this program? Do you have any plans in mind if that happens? What if he gets in and then is tossed out because drug or alcohol use?

    While you are not allowed to throw him out of your home you do NOT have to make home somewhere he wants to be. You can make his room have just a mattress, sheets, pillow and blanket, and a light. Everything else is optional. You can make his wardrobe be just 7 outfits that you pick or get from thrift stores. If he wants other things then he can have them elsewhere. This is a way of dealing with extreme defiance and will also help eliminate places to hide drugs, contraband, stolen items, etc.....

    Many times the police will not do much, if anything, for a runaway over the age of 16. Members here have given complete addresses to the police and still not been able to get the police to pick up their child.

    I do NOT suggest doing this unless there are no other options. He may be totally unwilling to let you parent him, or to follow any rules or get any help. That is often when this has to happen, esp if there are other kids in the home who are hurt by his actions and influence.

    Other parents have removed everything from the room and let the teen earn things back with appropriate behavior. Sometimes difficult children are willing to work to earn stuff back, sometimes they will not.

    I am sorry things are so rough.
  6. SleeplessIN

    SleeplessIN Guest

    Hi. First off, hugs. I have only posted once but have been watching the site diligently and appreciated the folks that responded to me. We are in the same boat. Our 14 year old difficult child has runaway twice in the past two weeks. Once for 6 days, came back home for two, then ran again for 5 days. We had spotted him in town several times but as soon as we got close, he ran and ditched us. Had been getting tips from his "good friends" of where he was and gave the addresses to police but they were always a bit behind or didn't respond. We are contemplating hiring a private detective to track him because the system is so slow.

    I agree with keeping a paper trail. We filed runaway papers both times. We are told that if we file one more time, he will be arrested and put on probation as being a habitual runaway, then he will have to meet with probation for 6 months. If he continues to break rules, he wil be headed for juvie. Don't want that to happen but it may be his only salvation. We can't seem to get through to him.

    Absolutely hate all of this because he has no reason to run. Good home, good family, pretty much had what he wanted but not over-the-top. We have also taken away his XBOX (think he met some of these juveniles while playing a war game on-line). The past time he ran, we took all of his name brand clothes and hid them. We are going to have to go to the next step and strip his room to the basics the next time he runs, which we are sure is just a matter of time. He has even hidden his cell phone because he knew we were kind of tracking him with that! He hasn't been using it for the past week.

    We want to get a diagnosis on him but can't keep him home long enough to get him to a neuropsychologist appointment.

    We are looking in to Wilderness camps and Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s too. I hope somebody on this site can give us some good options.

    My husband And I keep saying that we hope something good will come of this "bad". Stay strong and safe. We understand!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My guess is that difficult child is on more serious drugs than you know. I had a drug abuser daughter...she cleaned up. Actually, the best thing I ever did for her (in her words) was to stop making her life cushy and making her leave at eighteen. We had the option of sending her to another state with a very straight arrow brother though and she quickly reformed. It is hard to do that if you are still surrounded by your "friends." To this day, and daughter is almost 26 now, 6 years clean, she doesn't even like to visit us here for fear of running into "them." When daughter moved in with uber-strict brother, she had to clean the house, get a job (or get out) and she had no transportation. She quickly got a job at Subway and walked to work each day. She was lonely and had to make new friends (a Godsend as her old friends have all ended up in jail). She turned out to be very responsible.

    If your son actually hurts his girlfriend, he will be in serious trouble. I have no great words of wisdom, but I do think that by 18 if he screws up with no intention of changing you need to give him a timeline...shape up or ship out. If he has nowhere to go, he'll find somewhere. You can give him a list of homeless shelters. Although it sounds coldhearted (even sending my daughter to her brother, I cried for three weeks) it is sometimes the only thing you can do to give them a wake up call. Making it easy and comfortable for them to get into trouble in my opinion is not the way to go. You can start attending NA Anonymous meetings...they are invaluable for real time help and support. Or you can see if there is a Tough Love chapter nearby (there was none for us).

    I wish you luck, no matter what you decide and I'm sorry that you are going through me, I understand and send all my support.