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<blockquote data-quote="Nandina" data-source="post: 762057" data-attributes="member: 23742"><p>Hi Mirabelle, I haven’t been through the abuse with my son as much as his drug usage but I have read many stories of those here who have. Many people here have been through tremendous abuse and have learned from it.</p><p></p><p> I would consider the abuse your stepson gives your husband and you very serious and I would not for one second put up with it. Nor pay money to someone treating me like that.</p><p></p><p>Most of our members have been through the push and pull of help—or don’t help, insist on conditions or not; communicate or not; many times before. And along with that they have felt the hurt and sadness a mentally ill and/or drug addicted child can cause, and that they are trying to help you and your husband avoid. They made the mistakes and learned the lessons. For some it took years. Many are still working on it. Nearly everyone here is at a different stage in this unfortunate, often life-long struggle of coping with our fluctuating emotions and the chaos of dealing with our seriously impaired kids.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Who knows what his rock bottom is? Clearly, he has not hit it yet. Don’t wait for it.</p><p></p><p>At the very minimum, your husband should insist on being treated with respect, however I doubt his son would be able to live with a sober only rule. Mine couldn’t. I knew he smoked daily and there was nothing I could do about it. But I told him not to be “messed up” when I was with him or I would take him back to wherever he was living. (he didn’t drive; I provided transportation). And I only had to do that once. Most of the time he was coherent, though he may have been somewhat under the influence. But I made a concession in order to have a relationship with him. At that time, he only smoked pot. I didn’t approve but he was an “adult,” and I couldn’t control what he did outside my home. </p><p></p><p>You say your stepson wants to spend time with his father. I look at that as a good sign. Is there no way your husband can just expect civility from his son? And no asking for money. That’s where I would start on the conditions. I was also encouraged when I re-read in another post that your stepson does go to counseling willingly, so that is a positive (assuming it’s a good counselor). Obviously, as you stated, he needs more than that.</p><p></p><p>I agree with everyone who recommends any type of counseling or support group. I hope your husband participates as well. It saddens me to hear you describe his guilt and sadness over his son’s downward spiral and abusive behavior. I wish your husband could see some of the posts here. It would perhaps begin to open his eyes a little and realize some of the mistakes he, and you, are prone to make. This experience with an abusive child is not something one should do without some sort of support, as everyone here can attest.</p><p></p><p>I’m sorry this is so hard. It is very hard on a relationship too as I’m sure you already know, and I pray that your love is strong. So please, do any kind of self care that works and encourage your husband to do the same. It sounds like he is a very loving father and a good man. This is not his fault.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nandina, post: 762057, member: 23742"] Hi Mirabelle, I haven’t been through the abuse with my son as much as his drug usage but I have read many stories of those here who have. Many people here have been through tremendous abuse and have learned from it. I would consider the abuse your stepson gives your husband and you very serious and I would not for one second put up with it. Nor pay money to someone treating me like that. Most of our members have been through the push and pull of help—or don’t help, insist on conditions or not; communicate or not; many times before. And along with that they have felt the hurt and sadness a mentally ill and/or drug addicted child can cause, and that they are trying to help you and your husband avoid. They made the mistakes and learned the lessons. For some it took years. Many are still working on it. Nearly everyone here is at a different stage in this unfortunate, often life-long struggle of coping with our fluctuating emotions and the chaos of dealing with our seriously impaired kids. Who knows what his rock bottom is? Clearly, he has not hit it yet. Don’t wait for it. At the very minimum, your husband should insist on being treated with respect, however I doubt his son would be able to live with a sober only rule. Mine couldn’t. I knew he smoked daily and there was nothing I could do about it. But I told him not to be “messed up” when I was with him or I would take him back to wherever he was living. (he didn’t drive; I provided transportation). And I only had to do that once. Most of the time he was coherent, though he may have been somewhat under the influence. But I made a concession in order to have a relationship with him. At that time, he only smoked pot. I didn’t approve but he was an “adult,” and I couldn’t control what he did outside my home. You say your stepson wants to spend time with his father. I look at that as a good sign. Is there no way your husband can just expect civility from his son? And no asking for money. That’s where I would start on the conditions. I was also encouraged when I re-read in another post that your stepson does go to counseling willingly, so that is a positive (assuming it’s a good counselor). Obviously, as you stated, he needs more than that. I agree with everyone who recommends any type of counseling or support group. I hope your husband participates as well. It saddens me to hear you describe his guilt and sadness over his son’s downward spiral and abusive behavior. I wish your husband could see some of the posts here. It would perhaps begin to open his eyes a little and realize some of the mistakes he, and you, are prone to make. This experience with an abusive child is not something one should do without some sort of support, as everyone here can attest. I’m sorry this is so hard. It is very hard on a relationship too as I’m sure you already know, and I pray that your love is strong. So please, do any kind of self care that works and encourage your husband to do the same. It sounds like he is a very loving father and a good man. This is not his fault. Hugs to you [/QUOTE]
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