Back from court

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rlsnights, Apr 11, 2011.

  1. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    difficult child 2 had his settlement hearing today. The public defender, DA and judge had a meeting before the hearing and offered difficult child 2 a deal where he has 6 months informal probation, 21 hours community service and goes through the diversion treatment program including anger management. Along with the usual stuff about going to school and curfew.

    If he does all that they will completely dismiss the charges so there is no record at all. That is clearly a big shift from a felony with intent to do grave bodily harm. Glad we were able to explain the circumstances to everyone's satisfaction because I really didn't feel the felony charge was warranted.

    I am drained - funny how just sitting around for 3+ hours waiting for a 10 minute conference and a 10 minute hearing just left me wanting to lay down and sleep the rest of the day. And cry.

    I feel mad and sad all at once. difficult child 2 had this smirk on his face most of the time like he figured he was getting away with something - making all the adults dance to his tune because he had our undivided attention. When it was clear from my posture and distance that I was mad at him he accused me of being mad at him for no reason. REALLY? was all I could manage to say at that moment.

    After I got calmer I told him he had better stop smiling like that when he goes into court because the judge is going to think that maybe this deal is not a good idea after all. He's like - what's wrong with smiling. The public defender was smiling when we talked to him. You were smiling.

    I looked at his smirk and just wanted to slug him. I didn't of course. Instead I told him that once again he was trying to turn things around so they were about me and the court when it was all really about him and what he had done and the consequences of his actions.

    That clearly stung him because he shut up for a while after that.

    He still doesn't see himself as at fault in any way. It's all about us punishing him for no reason - again. Just so we can feel powerful and control him.

    That scares me more than anything else. That inability/unwillingness to accept responsibility but to insist on blaming others or circumstances for his anger, mistakes and aggression.

  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    That is soooo Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). I go through the same thing with my difficult child. I don't let him get away with it because I keep asking questions until we get back to the very beginning of the problem (where something he did resulted in everthing that came after) so maybe he will eventually realize he is to blame sometimes.

    Good luck. I wish there was an easy answer but there isn't.
  3. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    PJ, I am so sorry you are going thru this ... difficult child's are never to blame for their actions. It is always someone else's fault, problem, etc....

    I have posted before that my difficult child can be upstairs and stub his toe and I will be downstairs cleaning up dinner and he will somehow say it was my fault. Argh ! :2dissapointed:
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Glad you got through it ok. Reading your post about the smile/smirk I immediately went down to your signature to see if he was an Aspie. Inappropriate responses are part of the dysfunction. When difficult child was a little younger than your son he began to laugh after a soccer team member was injured on the field. Everyone, including me, was aghast. Once we were alone I asked him why he had done that and his response was "I thought I'd cheer everyone up." Geez!

    I understand how difficult it is to figure it out. Teen boys often smile/smirk to act brave by posturing. Aspie's frequently just don't know how they are suppose to act. When he said "but you were smiing, etc." I'm sure you wanted to explode. Sadly he might have taken the smiles as cues to how to behave. Hang in there. I've been there done that and it is exhausting, frustrating and also frightening to know that "the world" may get the wrong message and treat him accordingly. Hugs. DDD
  5. rlsnights

    rlsnights New Member

    I know exactly what you are talking about with ASPies. With difficult child 2 it was not a matter of getting social cues wrong. I know several ASPie kids/adults and the ones I know just looked confused or they may get mad if they are told/figure out that they've chosen the "wrong" response. But for them it's about fitting in and getting along.

    Yesterday with difficult child 2 it had a sly, self-satisfied quality to it that makes it hard not to imagine lots of jail time in his future. If anything it is the opposite of an ASPie who is just trying to fit in and can't figure it out. That's what was so upsetting to me really. That superior smile/smirk sends the message "I am in control. I am smiling because I know I'm in control and all the adults are dancing to my tune. I smile because it will make you squirm but if you call me on it I can deflect you by pointing out that everyone is smiling therefore you are picking on me."

    Even though it's completely clear that it's inappropriate for him to smile - he's doing it because he is at the center of his universe and he can't take another person's perspective to understand why his interpretation and reaction are wrong. The behavior has the same cognitive basis (lack of perspective taking) but the purpose of the behavior and the emotional response to feedback are very different.

    That response is one I am seeing more and more from him. I think it is often in response to feeling very powerless because his limited attempts to negotiate, etc. are unsuccessful and he gives up and resorts to aggression/anger/intimidation. Then he interprets everything that happens as undeserved punishment.

    Is that the way things are with your ASPie kids?