back from my therapy appointment...

[ksm]

I decided it wasn't enough to just take difficult child to see a therapist - so I have had several appointments with a therapist. Most the time is spent discussing difficult child and medication problems, school problems, behavior problems. But today, he reminded me that my relationship with difficult child is much more important than her grades, etc.

I guess I have always felt it was my "job" to make sure she was keeping up with school... dressing appropriately... acting correctly... and all those things moms do. And I have really not been putting much effort in to our relationship. I see it now. But I hadn't focused on that part for a long time. THis past year I have focused on everything else concerning her - but not HER.

Some how will try to find a way for us to get back to having a real relationship instead of the two of us rolling our eyes and saying what ever.

Sounds easy in theory. But it will be a lot of work. KSM

 

[InsaneCdn]

Yes, - it will be a lot of work. But it is worth it. Think in terms of rebuilding a healthy attachment... look for things to share together that you BOTH like to do, or at least things that SHE likes and you don't mind... and these are NOT contingent on behavior. They are "just because".

I know some families where the Mom took each kid on a "date" every other week (one kid plus Mom)... ice cream cone at DQ or whatever. NOT a movie... somewhere, where it is possible to actually TALK. (If you have 4+ kids, then even without any GFGisms, its hard to feel individually important...)

 

[DDD]

Congratulations! I'm always so impressed when family members "look in the mirror" and realize that maybe there are things that they need to address. It's the ultimate move to seek help and support in analyzing your parenting skills.
Way To Go! DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

Ksm, funny, I just typed in a rant about my son's grades, among other things. I have no idea what kind of relationship we have. husband says I should spend more time working on it. Um, that would be in between cooking meals from scratch because he's allergic to everything, doing laundry, checking his grades and homework, finding out where he is and how much $ he's racked up on the phone bill or credit card until I'm so depressed I don't want to be with-him at all.

I am glad that the therapy is working for you. It sounds like you like the therapist and are open to new things. Fingers crossed!

 

[ksm]

Congratulations! I'm always so impressed when family members "look in the mirror" and realize that maybe there are things that they need to address. It's the ultimate move to seek help and support in analyzing your parenting skills.Way To Go! DDD

I guess for me - it has been hard because I was grandma first... hard to move to the "Mom" mode. I feel like I have become the "police" in so many ways. I will have to find ways to be "mom" caregiver and not "mom" cop. KSM

 

[buddy]

good for you. It is inspiring. I can't do that right now (money) but have certainly thought of it. I have you all for now...smile! BUT I did call a closer center to see if I can get someone to work with Q on his feelings about being Autistic/brain injured and his depression. (not attachment stuff, but his emerging depression i am seeing....hope it is not the medicine.... will be checking that out with psychiatrist next week) He is so upset about my calling 911 still, from way back when he had the Lamictal reaction. Really has a phobia now that I think could be driving him to more anxiety. I wont promise not to call 911 because I might have to. I wont talk about it though, unless it is a reality. (very nearly had to go there tonight...sigh but got him thru it)

I think it would be good for me to talk about grief right now, and adjustment to a new phase in his life. have any of you worked on that kind of stuff??

 

[rejectedmom]

Buddy many of us who have gone though very difficult times with our difficult child's do go through a period of grief when we realize that they will never achive their (or our) dreams. Some of us go through many different periods of grief as or difficult children continue to falter. It is good to acknowledge it and be gentle with ourselfs when we find we are in that dark sad place. Never forget that if we do not take care of ourselves, we may find that one day we can no longer take care of them.

 

[Bunny]

I've done that. Concentrated so hard of the things that difficult child did or did not do. Who wants to spend time with someone who goes out of their way to aggravate you at every turn? I think that is the reason that difficult child started the whole "no one loves me, no one ever has" issue. He feels like the only attention that goes towards him is about him, not for him. Know what I mean?? While it was hard, I have tried to make an effort to spend more time with him, and I think that it has helped a little. He has calmed down a bit.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Ksm, funny, I just typed in a rant about my son's grades, among other things. I have no idea what kind of relationship we have. husband says I should spend more time working on it.

Terry... sounds to me like husband needs to go look in the mirror.

WHO should spend more time working on the relationship?
With a teenaged boy?

Right now, the biggest single difference that can be made in your difficult children life is a really solid relationship with his father. You... are secondary. husband needs to step up to the plate and really build bridges, now while there is still a chance of making them strong, before the bigger storms hit later.

 

[BusynMember]

I have learned to let a lot of things go that I wouldn't let go if my child did not have a disability. One, which is very hard for me, is hygiene. Unless Sonic is going to a family function, I don't INSIST (I do suggest) that he shower etc. or change his clothes. I hope that he learns from natural consequences, but many Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) people don't really care about social norms. Also, an Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) child, like most teenagers, is more prone to listening to an outsider. When he gets placed in a job situation (the school is helping) then I"m sure he will be told he has to shower and I am sure he will pay more attention to whoever tells him than he will to me. He also has sensory issues and does not like the feel of deodorant. I'm not sure what will happen with that. But I find, as he gets older, that we, as his parents, can only do so much. In the case of a child like Sonic, I had to get to the point where I realized that unfortunately, my dreams are not going to happen...he will always need some help in life, even after hub and I are gone. That is hard to concede, but at some time it is often necessary.

I think you are brave to seek help for yourself. It is a very hard thing to do. It's even harder to change or to maybe decide that we are doing something wrong.

 

[TerryJ2]

I agree, MWM. That's what's so hard, so much of the time. We try and try and still, it seems like nothing is working.

Insane ... oh, yeah.