Back from vacation

[Saunder1540]

We're back from vacation and unfortunately nothing has changed. It was pretty tense at times especially in the beginning. Here's just a small example of how his thinking is right now in this stage (lets hope it's a stage/phase) of his life. About four days before we go on vacation he gets a tattoo...we camp at the lake every year which means we will be swimming A LOT. So he's miserable because he can't get the tattoo wet yet. And he makes everyone else just as miserable. Hello, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure if you cant get a tattoo wet then don't get one right before you go on vacation on the water! He's walking around complaining..."I should have never came" and "this is so stupid"! Every time something didn't go his way he would run off doing God knows what. There were times that he seemed his old self again and I really enjoyed being with him and it gave me a little hope. That all changed when we got home. We got home late and had a lot of stuff to unload. He runs off and we didn't see him for about 15 minutes. He comes out of the shower and asks me to drive him to a friends house. Meanwhile we're still all unpacking. I tell him no that didn't he see that we are still unpacking and that he needs to help us. He has a fit and (his temper has gotten really bad) he takes off on a bike from the garage. He didn't come home that night. So the next day we told him that If he wanted to live here he needs to start therapy ASAP, submit to drug tests by us and follow our house rules or leave by Sunday. He chose the latter.


I know he doesn't have anywhere to go and will try to procrastinate. Has anyone had the situation where there difficult child wouldn't leave? And if so what did you do?

On another note...any suggestions on how to stay unified with your spouse when your not always on the same page with all the issues with difficult child?

Thanks!

 

[Saunder1540]

Really could use feedback please

 

[BusynMember]

Hi.

Lots of our kids didn't want to leave or wouldn't leave. I'm not the best one to ask beacause, although my daughter didn't want to leave, she found a place to stay and did go. I think there is a way to evict your child and many have done it, but I don't know the process.Hopefully somebody who is more "in the know" will respond.

In the meantime, gentle hugs for the hard times you are going through.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Sorry, I'm no help on the "getting kids to leave" question.

But... staying unified with spouse?
Find a way to make time for the two of you, as a couple. Time to be a couple - not time to discuss difficult child and all the issues... not time to discuss family finances and all that is going off the rails on that front because of difficult child.
Make a committment - between the two of you - that it's only a few more years, and then the kids are gone and will (mostly) take their issues with them... and then commit to feeding your relationship.

 

[Nancy]

He is running off to his friends and disappearing to do drugs. His temper is bad because when you put an obstacle in front of him and his drugs he panics and gets angry. This is only going to escalate. He needs treatment. It is essential that you and your husband get on the same page or it won't work. I suggest you both make an appointment with a drug counselor to get advice and hopefully convince your husband of the seriousness of this. There came a point when our daughter was 18-19 when we had to make her leave because she was abusing alcohol/drugs. We actually had to not let her back in the house one day when she left and after she banged on the door for a very long time and kicked it and screamed we called the police and they came and made her leave. She ended up living wityh a heroin addict neighbor boy and his family until she finally broke down 6 weeks later and agreed to treatment.

I do not believe this is a phase with your son. I believe he is addicted to drugs and his behavior is out of control. Have you checked into drug treatment programs in your area? You can tell him he either enters treatment or leaves your home and then stick to it. Check with the police in your area to make sure you can legally kick him out at 18, we could and our police were very helpful and supportive.

I'm sorry he ruined your vacation. His behavior sounds so much like our daughter's. It is the drugs and alcohol that is speaking, not your son.

I'm sorry but this will not get better on its own and sometimes we have to force the issue.

Nancy

 

[Calamity Jane]

His drug use and his mood swings are going to ruin you and your husband's lives if this is allowed to continue. Doing nothing, and hoping it's a phase is a natural reaction on your part to avoid what you know you must do. It's going to get harder before it gets easier, I guarantee it. If you and hubby aren't unified, you might as well reverse roles with your son and let him be in charge, because that's the way it will be.
Hopefully, you will convince him to get treatment, but very few people seek treatment voluntarily at his age. They think there's nothing wrong with what they're doing and that parents are imposing their rules and values on them, making their life a drag. I agree wholeheartedly with Nancy about you and husband seeing a drug counselor and getting advice on how to approach this purposefully and confidently. Lots of hugs to you, I know this is beastly.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I didn't have a difficult time. difficult child had been in and out of the house for a year and a half or so when we had our turning point. She was constantly leaving for days on end and coming home only to crash and eat. During the times she was home, she would make life completely miserable for everyone here - probably because she was coming down and she is a miserable, venom spewing B when she is crashing. She had claimed she was clean, begged to come home for Christmas, feeling sentimental and hopeful we allowed her to come back home. Things were great for a month and then I found a meth pipe in her room. I called her where she was and told her she could submit to treatment, or she could no longer live in this house. She chose the latter and only came back to grab some things.

Here we are a year and a half later and she has survived on the streets this whole time. She is only just starting to get tired of the life. She is making steps to change things and I believe she is clean or at least was clean for a while when I saw her. But, she is just as addicted to a boyfriend that is zero good for her and that is not helping things...

But, I digress. I do not see a signature so I have no idea how old your difficult child is. The law can help you remove them if it comes to that.

As for you and husband being on the same page - that is imperative. My husband and I had our own addiction issues growing up. Because of this, my husband was always hard lined and always showed tough love. I was the soft one that relented all the time. One night my husband broke down in tears and told me how he felt - that we were growing apart and our lives seem to be lived solely for the kids and what would we have once they were gone? Everyone is right - kids grow and move out - you need to ensure you have a relationship with the one person that is a constant in your life. My marriage has been better than it ever has since that night. It woke me up and woke up my heart as corny as that sounds...

I know how hard it is to go against all of your natural instincts. Even now when I read my difficult child's FB posts about how she is sleeping by a lake or sitting in a Waffle House because she has nowhere to go, every instinct I have wants to run out, scoop her up and protect her. But if I do that, I am setting her back to where we started. It is only in living life miserably that is making her want to change anything.

I also remind her that there is a warm bed and food in rehab...hasn't worked, yet, but I try. Her response is simply, "I am not using". So I remind her rehab is also good for getting the head straight.

 

[Saunder1540]

Thank you all for the advice. It has been so helpful to know I'm not alone. He has agreed to go to therapy and called yesterday to schedule it. He starts on Thursday. I feel like he is making little steps but I'm also very guarded. He's been growing his hair long now for about a year and it looks terrible. I think he looks like a "burnout". He asked me if I could cut it short again the way it used to be. Sounds stupid I guess but it gave me a little hope. I asked him if he was tired of living this kind of life and he said no. Ugh. He did continue to say I want to get my room organized. I feel so unorganized and I want to stop smoking. I'm hoping that he's feeling his life is out of control or unorganized. The wheels seem to be turning slightly in that head. We told him he could stay as long as he is following our rules, stays in therapy and is drug tested. We told him that if he breaks any of the rules just once or tests pos. he's out. We'll see.

 

[Nancy]

Baby steps. It is so hard for our difficult child's to say they are tired of living the life they are. They like their life and can't admit they don't. On some level they know it is out of control but to admit that it so difficult.

by the way my easy child is a kindergarten teacher. I know how hard she words so I'm sure you do too. I hope you have a good year. It must be difficult to keep your energy and enthusiasm up all day when you are dealing with other problems.

Nancy

 

[Saunder1540]

Thanks. Start back on Friday. Last year was very rough. Worst year of my life with difficult child. This year will be better...one way or another!!!