Back in the dark lonesome hole.

[BusynMember]

A diagnosis of bipolar is often a misdiagnosis for borderline personality disorder, which is like unmedicated bipolar on steroids. Look up borderline personality disorder in your search engine. Read. See if it resonates more thsn just bipolar. It is harder to treat borderline (requires patient compliance and a tremendous amount of serious therapy, usually dialectal behavioral therapy). Unlike bipolar, medications dont completely stabilize borderline moods and nasty behaviors. They remain nasty and manipulative and very unstable. Often bipolar and borderline coexist. You can not reason with a borderline. They can have a few good days or even act nice for a few months, but it never lasts. Deep therapy, an extreme willingness and desire to change and very hard work by the patient is the only known treatment.

Please stop rescuing her. She will never get help if you are there to scrape her off the ground. It sounds as if you are realizing this.

Lots of love and light!! Be nice to YOU today.

 

[newstart]

susiestar, Thank you for your wonderful insightful advice. I have thought long and hard on everything you have said. I have been to therapy for years just on how to deal with my daughter but in truth I have received much more just reading this forum and learning what others are doing to achieve peace. The few times I went to NAMI years ago was very helpful, I got a lot of insight and I was able to make the break that I so needed. I was told by therapist and counselors to not break contact with my daughter, she is so ill with bipolar and it would not be right to do. After going into deep conversation with God I decided to give my daughter the 'finger' for all the ripping me off and abuse and made myself completely invisible to her for 3 full months. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but it needed to be done and I wished I would have done it sooner. I must admit for many years afterwards my daughter knew I had the strength to do it and it changed something inside of her.

I know many people with bipolar are on drugs and alcohol. I have talked with my daughters friends and they all say the same thing, she does not do drugs or drinks. Her bipolar is so severe that she acts like someone that does. I know about drugs and alcohol I grew up with friends using and abusing but I have never seen it or smelled it on her. I don't want to sound like someone in denial but my deepest intuition tells me she is not. I do know that her and her boyfriend take that Pot oil before the go to bed to help with sleep. It is sold everwhere and does not have the THC that makes a person high. I don't think she is taking that anymore.

Update. Daughter came over this morning crying her eyes out telling me how sorry she is for being so bad. She said she is getting the money together by Nov 15th. There was still belligerence in her voice but after she cries hard it can usually lessen the mania. I have been avoiding her and not doing anything with her. My daughter just came over unannounced and wanted to make things right. It will be ok for now but just around the corner she will mess it up again unless she gets away from the boyfriend. She drains the 'H' out of me. She did tell me of a plan she has to make things right. She knows Nov 15th will be here soon. She also lies about her boyfriend not coming over anymore, that is a huge lie, the neighbors tell me he is there everynight and possibly still living there. She is a MESS with a capital M. I know she was financially ok for 8 years making her house payments of course help here and there from us with groceries and clothes but for 8 years she was ok until her boyfriend moved in. I told her that with him living there, the rent should be split in half, she did not get anything from him.

She cried and told me how much she loved me and how she wants to make things right. I get weak and hug and tell her I want things right too and how much I love her. I tell her that most of my frustration comes from her being so bright and beautiful and her actions do such terribly stupid things and she picks such horrible men that bring her down to the dumps. I hurt I cry and know that it will be off and on like this with her in my life for the rest of my days. My beautiful, intelligent, gifted, sweet daughter drains the 'F' out of me.

 

[newstart]

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. She sounds majorly disturbed. People who are bipolar can do amazingly mean and bizarre things to people they claim to care about and then wonder why those people are upset with them. I have such horrible memories of that woman.

Pay careful attention to the eviction laws in the city that your rental home is in. Also pay attention to the repossession laws for the car, etc.... if you decide to take that back (even if it is only to have it scrapped if she has trashed it). If you don't follow the laws, she could sue you and she likely would. After all, in her mind you owe it to her to support her. Of course in reality you don't owe her, but in her mind you owe her.

If you are on her bank account, why not just take the money out of there? Of course she would then stop having money put in there. She would probably subject you to a horrible scene either at your home or somewhere in public if she found you there first. {shudder}

It can be so hard to deal with someone who is mentally ill. Please find support for yourself. From her behavior, it is highly likely that your daughter is using drugs or alcohol. A great many people with bipolar do use these to self medicate their problem. That would make her behavior even worse, and it would be impossible to say what was really going on until she was clean/sober and in recovery for a substantial amount of time.

If you choose to have contact with her in the future, you might want to think about making her prove that she is clean/sober and on medication for her bipolar for a period of 6 months to a year before you are willing to interact with her.

If you choose to not leave anything to her in your will, make sure you check your state laws with an attorney before you do it. In some states you have to leave a small amount ($1-$10 is what I have heard from friends writing wills) to a child that you do not want to leave a significant share of your estate. This is so that they cannot contest the will claiming that you forgot them and would have left them more but you had a brain fart and didn't remember they existed. Yes, people do make lame claims like that and courts sometimes accept them. You might want to say something like "My daughter X received her share of my estate when she was between the ages of 18-38, so I am only leaving her the sum of $5." This lets everyone know that she was not forgotten and she will get nothing more than the bare minimum from you. If she is an addict, it stops her from either spending the inheritance on drugs/alcohol. It also stops her from doing the colossally stupid things that people with bipolar can do with money when they are manic. I could tell you stories about what a large inheritance can do to someone who is bipolar. It isn't pretty, but it doesn't last very long. The money is spent super fast.

Please don't bother going to therapy with your daughter. There wouldn't be any point. Go to therapy by yourself. It can be a wonderful experience. It might take a few tries to find the right therapist, but once you do find the right one, therapy can be super helpful. It can just be a relief to have someone to listen to you and tell you that you are not losing your mind. When you go to see a therapist, listen to your instincts. If it doesn't feel right, don't go back. Go to a different therapist because that one wasn't right for you. Not every therapist is right for every client. It is worth it to go through a couple of duds (or outright idiots) to find the really good ones.

Welcome to our group. Please don't ever feel like someone here will judge you. I promise we won't. You may get a lot of suggestions and ideas, but don't feel you have to take any or all of them. We know they won't all be right for you. Take what works for you and leave the rest. You won't offend or upset anyone by not taking advice given here. (((((hugs)))))

Susiestar, I hear a lot of conviction and experience in your post. Thank you so much for the ideas and especially the hug. My daughter came over today and tried to make peace or something? but the lying was on full speed ahead. Even when I confronted her with paper work and the truth was in front of us she continue to lie and stayed with the lie even as she looked at the truth. I noticed that I hold my ground strongly as before I was worn out from all the awful fighting. I don't let up as easy and I have a 'voice'. But still my daughter goes from drama to drama. I heard you loud and clear about the will. I am seriously thinking of leaving it to my niece and leaving my daughter with 5 cents at best. It is painful to even have to write that out but that is how my husband and I both feel. I have been to many therapists and became a grief counselor myself. I do have a friend I talk to from time to time that has a terrible daughter close to my daughters age. My friend goes out of town all the time to get away from her daughter. My relationship with her is theraputic for both of us. After we exercised together for a while, her depression left and she is feeling so good. I have many friends that have lost children to death so I always share my grief with them but I can honestly say I only have one friend that has a daughter as foul as mine.

 

[newstart]

A diagnosis of bipolar is often a misdiagnosis for borderline personality disorder, which is like unmedicated bipolar on steroids. Look up borderline personality disorder in your search engine. Read. See if it resonates more thsn just bipolar. It is harder to treat borderline (requires patient compliance and a tremendous amount of serious therapy, usually dialectal behavioral therapy). Unlike bipolar, medications dont completely stabilize borderline moods and nasty behaviors. They remain nasty and manipulative and very unstable. Often bipolar and borderline coexist. You can not reason with a borderline. They can have a few good days or even act nice for a few months, but it never lasts. Deep therapy, an extreme willingness and desire to change and very hard work by the patient is the only known treatment.

Please stop rescuing her. She will never get help if you are there to scrape her off the ground. It sounds as if you are realizing this.

Lots of love and light!! Be nice to YOU today.

Somewhereoutthere, I have studied bipolar and Boarderline and I believe my daughter has both. I feel as if she says I hate you, don't leave me'. I believe she is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and anxiety problems and that non stop habitual lying! Plus other things. I believe she is a psychopath while manic. I know she is not a full time psychopath because she was a good child until age 18. She developed onset adult bipolar. It was horrible to watch a good child turn like this almost like another death. Love and light back to you.