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Parent Emeritus
Back in the dark lonesome hole.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 722241" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Welcome newstart. I'm sorry you are continuing to struggle and suffer with your daughter's choices. I'm glad you found us.</p><p></p><p>First off, you may want to copy and paste your post on the Parent Emeritus forum here, which is for our kids who are over 18.</p><p></p><p>It may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post.</p><p></p><p>I have a similar situation with my daughter who is 44 years old. It's been a long journey of detaching, letting go and accepting what I cannot change. Please stop beating yourself up for all you've done for your daughter, every one of us here has done the same thing, these are our children, regardless of their age...... we love them.....so for as long as it takes for us to recognize that our helping is actually hindering them and harming us, we help them. Take the guilt and the self judgement off the table, it's hard enough without adding that to the mix.</p><p></p><p>I would strongly suggest you find support for yourself. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness may be a good place to start. They offer really wonderful courses for us parents which give us guidance, support, information and resources. They have chapters in many cities. You can access them online.</p><p></p><p>You've reached the point where you now realize that how you've been operating is no longer feasible and in fact, it is hurting both of you. You, because it is an endless game of enabling with no end in site, robbing you of your life-force and money.....and your daughter, because she can refuse to take any responsibility for her life, because you take it for her. It is time for her to reap the consequences of her choices.</p><p></p><p>I think your plan to begin to cut her loose from being financially/emotionally dependent on you is an excellent plan. Sell the house. Take your name off of everything. Remove yourself completely from any financial connections you have with her as soon as you can. And, recognize that as you do this, your daughter will likely respond with anger, blame, manipulation, threats and any behavior which she believes will return you to your role as her enabler. Most of our adult kids act reprehensibly when we stop enabling, so prepare yourself for her wrath. That's where you getting support is going to be crucial because it is extremely difficult to go though that without caving, you will need others to circle the wagons around you as you make these changes.</p><p></p><p>You and your daughter have a dysfunctional connection which has gone on for 35 years, it will not be a piece of cake to shift it. I had the same connection with my daughter. Because you've awakened to the truth of how destructive this is to your well being, your health and your finances, she has not. And, she may never. That is part of how we have to detach from our adult children, the recognition that they may indeed NOT change. WE are the ones who must make the changes. Often they come around, but sometimes they don't. You must become willing to face whatever consequences your daughter chooses to enact. She may end up homeless, in a shelter, or doing something which will be difficult for you to know. I know this firsthand, my daughter's life spun out of control and when I stopped enabling her, it got worse. She is presently homeless, couch surfing and much like your daughter, does not think she has a problem, therefore refuses to seek help and her lifestyle continues as it is. It's been a challenging path to get to a place where I am okay regardless of the choices my daughter makes or the lifestyle she chooses to live.</p><p></p><p>It IS devastating, how you are feeling is how most of us here have felt. You've been at this a long time and you're depleted and exhausted. It is time to focus on YOU. It is time to nourish and nurture yourself. It is time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor and find peace and joy in life. I know that probably sounds absurd at this point in time, but you deserve that, you've been caught in the web of enabling for a long time and it is soul killing, it robs you of everything, it takes your life away one piece at a time and leaves you with nothing. For me to get through it I took a 2 year course in codependency facilitated by therapists who were trained in substance abuse and mental illness and it changed my life, it gave me my life back, it taught me how to set boundaries, say no as a complete sentence, stop feeling guilty and begin to put my focus on myself...... it set me free. </p><p></p><p>You've reached your bottom. You've awakened from the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). From here on out you'll rise up, however, the road has some landmines and to avoid falling back into the enabling hole, get yourself as much support as you can. Keep posting, it helps. Every single day find a way to do something kind and nourishing for yourself. Take the intense focus you've had on your daughter and place it squarely on yourself. It is YOUR time now, take it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 722241, member: 13542"] Welcome newstart. I'm sorry you are continuing to struggle and suffer with your daughter's choices. I'm glad you found us. First off, you may want to copy and paste your post on the Parent Emeritus forum here, which is for our kids who are over 18. It may be helpful for you to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post. I have a similar situation with my daughter who is 44 years old. It's been a long journey of detaching, letting go and accepting what I cannot change. Please stop beating yourself up for all you've done for your daughter, every one of us here has done the same thing, these are our children, regardless of their age...... we love them.....so for as long as it takes for us to recognize that our helping is actually hindering them and harming us, we help them. Take the guilt and the self judgement off the table, it's hard enough without adding that to the mix. I would strongly suggest you find support for yourself. NAMI, which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness may be a good place to start. They offer really wonderful courses for us parents which give us guidance, support, information and resources. They have chapters in many cities. You can access them online. You've reached the point where you now realize that how you've been operating is no longer feasible and in fact, it is hurting both of you. You, because it is an endless game of enabling with no end in site, robbing you of your life-force and money.....and your daughter, because she can refuse to take any responsibility for her life, because you take it for her. It is time for her to reap the consequences of her choices. I think your plan to begin to cut her loose from being financially/emotionally dependent on you is an excellent plan. Sell the house. Take your name off of everything. Remove yourself completely from any financial connections you have with her as soon as you can. And, recognize that as you do this, your daughter will likely respond with anger, blame, manipulation, threats and any behavior which she believes will return you to your role as her enabler. Most of our adult kids act reprehensibly when we stop enabling, so prepare yourself for her wrath. That's where you getting support is going to be crucial because it is extremely difficult to go though that without caving, you will need others to circle the wagons around you as you make these changes. You and your daughter have a dysfunctional connection which has gone on for 35 years, it will not be a piece of cake to shift it. I had the same connection with my daughter. Because you've awakened to the truth of how destructive this is to your well being, your health and your finances, she has not. And, she may never. That is part of how we have to detach from our adult children, the recognition that they may indeed NOT change. WE are the ones who must make the changes. Often they come around, but sometimes they don't. You must become willing to face whatever consequences your daughter chooses to enact. She may end up homeless, in a shelter, or doing something which will be difficult for you to know. I know this firsthand, my daughter's life spun out of control and when I stopped enabling her, it got worse. She is presently homeless, couch surfing and much like your daughter, does not think she has a problem, therefore refuses to seek help and her lifestyle continues as it is. It's been a challenging path to get to a place where I am okay regardless of the choices my daughter makes or the lifestyle she chooses to live. It IS devastating, how you are feeling is how most of us here have felt. You've been at this a long time and you're depleted and exhausted. It is time to focus on YOU. It is time to nourish and nurture yourself. It is time for you to enjoy the fruits of your labor and find peace and joy in life. I know that probably sounds absurd at this point in time, but you deserve that, you've been caught in the web of enabling for a long time and it is soul killing, it robs you of everything, it takes your life away one piece at a time and leaves you with nothing. For me to get through it I took a 2 year course in codependency facilitated by therapists who were trained in substance abuse and mental illness and it changed my life, it gave me my life back, it taught me how to set boundaries, say no as a complete sentence, stop feeling guilty and begin to put my focus on myself...... it set me free. You've reached your bottom. You've awakened from the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). From here on out you'll rise up, however, the road has some landmines and to avoid falling back into the enabling hole, get yourself as much support as you can. Keep posting, it helps. Every single day find a way to do something kind and nourishing for yourself. Take the intense focus you've had on your daughter and place it squarely on yourself. It is YOUR time now, take it. [/QUOTE]
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