Back to square one :(

[JKF]

Yes buddy - hard to hear but not surprising. He's been stealing since he was a toddler. We've tried everything to get him to stop and nothing has ever worked.

They were trying so hard at the shelter to help him and he doesn't care about any thing except taking what he wants when he wants it. Sighhhhhh!

I am praying hard that he's safe tonight wherever he is.

 

[recoveringenabler]

You always do a stellar job JKF, you're a loving Mom. Keep taking deep breaths and holding on to your detachment skills..........we're here for you. (((HUGS))))

 

[JKF]

Thanks RE! The support from you and everyone else here means the world to me. I don't think I could have "grown" this much without you guys!

 

[recoveringenabler]

 

[StressedM0mma]

So sorry JKF. I hope he is safe and warm this evening, and that he will learn from his mistakes. HUGS.

 

[JKF]

OMG - he's here. He was sleeping outside in the rain when my husband left for work. He's very calm. husband brought him inside. Taking him to social services today.

I can't even believe he's here. It's been 8 months since we saw him and he's crying and saying he's sorry but we're all he has in this world. Still suxh a little boy deep down inside. Heartbreaking. Like I said though, he's NOT living here again. I made that clear before he even walked through the door. I am taking him to social services as soon as they open today and we'll go from there.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thinking about you, let us know how it goes today.........hugs...............

 

[CrazyinVA]

Just wanted you to know I was thinking about you, and sending prayers and positive vibes your way.

 

[JKF]

We spent the morning at social services. He applied for all sorts of services and hopefully will get benefits in 30 days. There is a waiting list for the better shelters but I was able to get him into a semi-decent shelter for tonight. I have to drop him off at 4. He seems in good spirits and seems to understand that he can't stay here. We're not allowing him to come home ever. It's sad and this is so hard but I have to be strong. Even him just being here a couple of hours this morn with easy child/difficult child was complete chaos. I can't imagine that all the time. I know things are not anywhere near being ok but as long as I stay strong I think we'll make it through in one piece.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Great job JKF, you're holding up well and doing a really good job. Hang in there, I know it's tough, but you've done everything you can for him and you've kept your boundaries intact. After you drop him off, have a nice glass of wine and take a deep breath and relax.

 

[gsingjane]

Oh, boy, JKF, my heart goes out to you as well. I know EXACTLY how hard it is to have to tell your own child that you can't help him this time. It feels like your heart is just breaking. Know that you're doing the right thing, the thing you have to do to protect yourself and the others in your family... and be good to yourself today.

 

[JKF]

RE - I really just want to drop to my knees and cry. He's in my LR napping for an hour before we have to leave to get easy child/difficult child. When I look at him asleep it breaks my heart. And on top of that at 3:30 pm I'll be taking him from our warm safe home and bringing him to a homeless shelter filled with alcoholics and drug addicts. Uggggh. This is really really hard and I'm devastated.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Oh boy JKF, do I know exactly how you feel right now. There were times with my difficult child, over the years where I didn't think my heart could bear it. Just remember this, he isn't experiencing this the way that you are.........you're feeling this with your mother's broken heart, the one which wants to protect and nurture. He is experiencing it as a young, virile adult male who is likely enjoying the nap and your care for now, but in the next moment, when he is in the shelter, he will be in that moment. They live in the moment and deal with life that way. We are the ones who look at the past, remember the child, worry about the future, not them. So, rest in the knowledge that he is not you, he is not experiencing this the way that you are.

You are close to him now, as time goes by, you and he will figure out a way to connect that works for YOU...........you will forge a new connection which utilizes your new detachment skills. Let's hope as that evolves, he will learn to take care of himself in a better way. He is now in your town so you have easier accessibility to assist him when that is right for you to do. You had a long enough break to recall your healthier days and find some detachment, that is great. Now you are in another new zone where you will practice your detachment while he's near you. You can do this. You've done a great job for a lot of months.............just put one foot in front of the other and drop him off. Hang in there. I know how hard it is, I really do..............I'm right there with you, as many of us here are..............(HUGS).......

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm so sorry, JKF - this is such a hard day for you. The weather outside certainly doesn't help, does it?

RE said it best, that they have a different way of experiencing things. Doesn't necessarily make it easier, though. Just want to send some understanding hugs. Please do something nice for yourself today.

 

[rejectedmom]

I too have lived your nightmare. Actually our difficult child's sound alot alike. Believe me when I say that you will get better and better at this. The first couple of times are the hardest. Hang in there and stay strong. No guilt! You deserve a peaceful home and a good life even if it means your son must live elsewhere. Don't listen to those who have not been in your shoes they know nothing of what it is like to be a parent Occupational Therapist (OT) one of our kids. -RM

 

[JKF]

Uggggh I did it. I dropped him off. I was lighthearted and matter of fact with him on the way there while all the while I was slowly dying inside. But I did it. I also set more boundaries. Told him that under no circumstances is he allowed to just drop by whenever. He's not in our town - he's 2 towns over and about 20 min away so there's some distance although not much. I'm going to make some calls on his behalf tomorrow and try to set up some appts for him. The town he's in is our county seat so most services are based from there. I'm trying with all of my might to find some positive in this. I can help him more since he's closer and we can see him more as a family. Maybe that will help him too. To have a family nearby again. And surprisingly I wasn't scared of him at all today. I was sad for him. He seemed defeated and actually admitted to stealing recently which is a big step for him. He NEVER used to admit to anything. Ever. But still - we have a looooong road ahead. A very long one. But we are all ok right now in this moment.

Thank you all so much for your support on the most difficult day I've had in months! And RE - as usual you've given me a different perspective. He's definitely not experiencing this like I am. He's off on a new adventure. A new place, new people, new surroundings.

He did just try to call collect twice but I had to deny the charges. $9.99 per minute! No way!! Hopefully he's ok and is just calling to tell me he's fine. Uggggh!

 

[JKF]

OMG! He called already saying he hates it there, he's not staying, he'd rather be on the streets, etc. I guess they made him turn in his clothes and wear sweats and a shirt issued by the shelter to prevent bedbugs. Well he doesn't want to. He wants his clothes. I just told him it's his choice but if he leaves there tonight he will have to sleep on the streets. He can't come here and I can't take off tomorrow to drive him around. It's his choice. I can't believe this s**t. Already!!!! Please lord give me strength bc I have a feeling things are going to go from bad to worse.

 

[rejectedmom]

You ae right it is his choice. Do not let him suck you back in. My son did the same thing. Left one program or sober house after another to sponge of so called friends till the friend got sick of them and then moved on to someone else. difficult children do not like to be accountable or told what to do. There is no where in the world that will let them live like that but many have to learn it the hard way. =RM

 

[gsingjane]

Okay the whipsaw starts again! Wasn't it ... how many minutes ago that there you were, looking at him tenderly sleeping, feeling sorry and sad... my goodness I have LIVED this again and again. My difficult child would be on the phone with me, crying hysterically, begging for another chance, telling me how much he loves me, how grateful he is for all we've done... I'd get off the phone, go check the bank account, and sure enough, another forgery, another unauthorized charge, another theft. My heart would be melting and then stop, instantly. It would be like, who IS this psycho???

RE has wonderful advice to try and let go of the drama if you can. I know how hard it is, I really do. It's not like anybody else in the world, you can give a spouse the boot, you can write off a friend no problem, you can even decline to communicate with a parent but when it's your child, it feels like it's just a whole different category.

Try to stay calm, try to just be a feather floating on the waves, let all the drama and turmoil just crash and burn underneath you. Easier said than done I know!

 

[JKF]

I just can't go back to living like this. He's been 3 hours away in a different state for the last almost 5 months and my life has been peaceful. I started healing and living again. He's been back in NJ for less than 24 hours and it's hell again. When my husband found him outside this morning we allowed him in instead of turning him away and then I took the day off to take him to social services. I stayed with him all day and helped him fill out applications and look for a temp shelter while we look for more permanent housing. And he was peaches and cream all day. Now that he's not getting his way and we're not folding and letting him stay here he's right back to his nasty attitude and not willing to put any effort into this at all. My head is spinning and I'm so sick to my stomach. Plus this has thrown my younger son for a loop. He's 12 and loves his older brother and can't understand why he can't stay here. He was in tears and begged me earlier to let him stay and it nearly broke my heart. I'm afraid to sleep tonight in case he comes here again. I have that same feeling in the pit of my stomach that I had for years and it scares me.