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Back to the Board again after many years, son is now a raging alcoholic too!
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 716640" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. I have learned the hard way with my son. I enabled him for too long. After he was released from jail, husband and I bought a house for him to live in (no way could he live with us). All that we asked him was to get a job and start putting his life back together. We did not charge him rent, we paid for clothes, cell phone, food, utilities, etc..... We did this thinking that we were helping him when in fact we were doing the opposite. I never wanted to see my son suffer but have since learned that it is through our suffering and struggling that we grow. There are a lot of details in between but the end result was husband and I had to stop enabling him. At one point we also purchased a car for him and like you we paid the insurance. While he was lucky and did not get a drunk driving charge he did get one for driving while impaired - smoking pot. I was given some good advice by a friend regarding my paying for the insurance. My friend told me that if my son were to get in an accident where someone was seriously hurt that I could be sued in civil court because I was the one paying the insurance. I never verified if this was true but it really made me think. I gave my son fair warning that I would not be paying his insurance any more. </p><p></p><p>My son also has a drinking and drug problem. After I quit enabling him he became a homeless drifter. I was very worried about him in the beginning but quickly learned that there is quite a network among the homeless. The only time I would hear from him was when he was "desperate". I stuck to my No Enabling and did not give into him. I found that he was really not "desperate" and was able to mange on his own.</p><p>My son is now 35 and was recently sentenced to 2 years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon (knife). He was drunk when this happened. </p><p></p><p>I have pleaded with my son on many occasions to get help only to have him scream at me that he didn't have a problem, that he could handle it. </p><p></p><p>It's not easy to let go and allow our difficult adult children to face their issues and the consequences of their life choices on their own but there comes a time when it's best for everyone. For me, I do not want to be an 80 year old woman enabling my 60 year old son. None of us will be here forever and at some point our difficult adult children will need to learn how to do life on their own and the sooner they start the better.</p><p></p><p>As I said, my son is doing 2 years in prison. In a letter he wrote me he said "I don't know what I'll do when I get out, I'll be homeless" He was homeless when he was arrested!!! I know from experience that this was ploy of manipulation. He is hoping I will feel sorry for him. He is probably hoping that I will "buy" another house for him to live in. That will not happen this time or ever again. Don't get me wrong, I love my son dearly but I cannot fix his problems. He is a grown man, not a little boy. He knows how I feel and he knows what my concerns are. I no longer engage him about either because I know it will turn into him screaming at me. I have set very clear boundaries where my son is concerned. </p><p></p><p>I cannot fix him, I cannot control him. I can only control my response to the chaos of his life choices. I choose to live my life. I choose to have joy in my life. I'm 54 and not getting any younger. My life matters just as yours does. As I said, I will always love my son but I had to let him go.</p><p>If love alone could save our difficult children we wouldn't need a site like this.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) to you............................</p><p>[ATTACH=full]840[/ATTACH]</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 716640, member: 18516"] I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know how hard it is. I have learned the hard way with my son. I enabled him for too long. After he was released from jail, husband and I bought a house for him to live in (no way could he live with us). All that we asked him was to get a job and start putting his life back together. We did not charge him rent, we paid for clothes, cell phone, food, utilities, etc..... We did this thinking that we were helping him when in fact we were doing the opposite. I never wanted to see my son suffer but have since learned that it is through our suffering and struggling that we grow. There are a lot of details in between but the end result was husband and I had to stop enabling him. At one point we also purchased a car for him and like you we paid the insurance. While he was lucky and did not get a drunk driving charge he did get one for driving while impaired - smoking pot. I was given some good advice by a friend regarding my paying for the insurance. My friend told me that if my son were to get in an accident where someone was seriously hurt that I could be sued in civil court because I was the one paying the insurance. I never verified if this was true but it really made me think. I gave my son fair warning that I would not be paying his insurance any more. My son also has a drinking and drug problem. After I quit enabling him he became a homeless drifter. I was very worried about him in the beginning but quickly learned that there is quite a network among the homeless. The only time I would hear from him was when he was "desperate". I stuck to my No Enabling and did not give into him. I found that he was really not "desperate" and was able to mange on his own. My son is now 35 and was recently sentenced to 2 years in prison for assault with a deadly weapon (knife). He was drunk when this happened. I have pleaded with my son on many occasions to get help only to have him scream at me that he didn't have a problem, that he could handle it. It's not easy to let go and allow our difficult adult children to face their issues and the consequences of their life choices on their own but there comes a time when it's best for everyone. For me, I do not want to be an 80 year old woman enabling my 60 year old son. None of us will be here forever and at some point our difficult adult children will need to learn how to do life on their own and the sooner they start the better. As I said, my son is doing 2 years in prison. In a letter he wrote me he said "I don't know what I'll do when I get out, I'll be homeless" He was homeless when he was arrested!!! I know from experience that this was ploy of manipulation. He is hoping I will feel sorry for him. He is probably hoping that I will "buy" another house for him to live in. That will not happen this time or ever again. Don't get me wrong, I love my son dearly but I cannot fix his problems. He is a grown man, not a little boy. He knows how I feel and he knows what my concerns are. I no longer engage him about either because I know it will turn into him screaming at me. I have set very clear boundaries where my son is concerned. I cannot fix him, I cannot control him. I can only control my response to the chaos of his life choices. I choose to live my life. I choose to have joy in my life. I'm 54 and not getting any younger. My life matters just as yours does. As I said, I will always love my son but I had to let him go. If love alone could save our difficult children we wouldn't need a site like this. ((HUGS)) to you............................ [ATTACH=full]840[/ATTACH] [/QUOTE]
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Back to the Board again after many years, son is now a raging alcoholic too!
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