Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by amazeofgrace, Mar 19, 2008.

  1. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    one of the main reasons I have returned to the boards, is I feel like I am rapidly backslidding. I am getting more and more depressed by the day. Gaining weight like crazy. And I feel quite hopeless.

    difficult child II has been rapid cycling and each day he gets worse and worse. I know a stay at the hospital again is in the near future. This morning I was punched and kicked and swared at, and all because I wanted him to go to school.

    difficult child I is failing 9th grade again. And I feel another run in with the law is emminent with him. He is stubborn and unmotivated in every way shape and form. And in 1 1/2 years he's 18, geesh, that's scarey.

    I feel like I am barely surviving raising my kids. How sad is that??:not_fair:

    S2BX calls once a week to talk to the kids. He is very cold and quick with me. I know now that he's sober, he is blaming me. And I, the fool, keep questioning if I did the "right" thing. I know the answer. I know I am nuts for entertaining these thoughts. But I did/do love the man. But reality is he was and always will be abusive, sober or not. It will take him years to work through all his issues. I get a knot everytime I look at the calendar and realize he's getting out of rehab in just 3 1/2 months.

    I was listening to the song "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. It made me think of S2BX and it also made me reflect on both my difficult child's.:crying:I cried buckets.

    UGH I think I am premenopausal or something.

    thank you for listening to me rattle:talkhand:
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    S2BX may be dry, but if he's still blaming you he's not sober. Someone that has worked the program could tell you better than I, but I believe that one of the steps is along the lines of making amends and/or accepting responsibility for your actions and the pain they have caused others. The only reason I know of this is because I was the recipient of one. My grandmother has been dry for 23 years, but she isn't sober. She still to this day blames her husbands family for her drinking.

    What is the SD doing for GFGI? The fact that he is 16 and still a freshman should be ringing some alarm bells at the school.

    I'm sorry GFGII is struggling so much. What does the psychiatrist say? If I remember correctly he's not on a mood stabilizer. I know he's tried some in the past without success, but there are others. Maybe a psychiatric hospital stay would be a good thing to get him stabilized.

    As for you, (((hugs))). Stay strong. You are an amazingly strong lady. I know it's hard and it seems like there is no end in sight, but I know you can do this. If you need to talk to someone for you, do it. It's amazing how helpful it is to just be heard.
  3. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OHHHhhhhhh! I know how you feel! But I am so glad you returned to our board to get the support we have. As you may know, I recently and suddenly lost my sister. The CD board has shown me such and amazing depth of unconditional love during this tragedy- they are incredible!

    As for difficult child 2.........When my son was that age he was rapid cycling ALL over the place. Manic, raging, etc. It was at that time that he went into phosph again, and they tried medication trial number 9,000,001.........But you know what - that time they hit the nail on the head, and they were able to calm his cycling with Lithium. As much as we hate it, and it makes us grievous, phosph can be good.

    And difficult child 1........well - I have one too. You might peruse the Parent Emeritus - there are some excellent tips on detaching and staying sane on that forum.

    And as far as ex......are you in therapy? That is the one place I have found the most help in getting over my dysfunctional marriage. It is all a matter of knowing the truth - and causing your mind to have more power than your emotions. Hard. Very, very hard - because your emotions want to be bigger, stronger, and more powerful than your logical, rational mind. You have to tame it, in whatever way possible.

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    Heather hit the nail on the head.

    "no longer drinking" does not necessarily mean "sober". Sober is a state of mind. Sober is taking responsibility for all the hurt that you have caused the ones you love. S2BX is not sober. I would hope that with a few months still in rehab, someone would catch on to him and call him on his [email protected] One of his steps in indeed making amends. Don't hold your breath.

    Have you gone to AlAnon? You are taking on WAY too much guilt, and you have nothing to feel guilty for. I know you have your kids' issues to deal with, but you cannot effectively deal with them if you are not cared for properly. Take some time to nurture yourself. You will be all the better for it.

    As far as the kids go, I strongly believe that a lot of what they are going through has to do with what a putz their father ended up being. They have a lot to work through too. I am so sorry that this is so hard for you.

    You have come so far. You are not the gal you were when you first came to the boards.

    Stay awhile.
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Heather is ABSOLUTELY right about the sobriety point.

    Here are all 12 Steps, and they work for other addictions besides alcohol as well as co-dependencies (usually the partner):

    1. We admitted we were powerless over (insert addiction of your choice) — that our lives had become unmanageable.
    2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
    5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
    6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
    7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
    9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
    10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
    11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to (other addicts), and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

    Be gentle with yourself -- you're doing the best you can for this moment in time.

  6. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    It is all a matter of knowing the truth - and causing your mind to have more power than your emotions. Hard. Very, very hard - because your emotions want to be bigger, stronger, and more powerful than your logical, rational mind. You have to tame it, in whatever way possible
    that is a very true statement, I am just in a weak spot right now

    hi all, thank you for the hugs and encouragement. I just returned from a weekend away in Atlantic City. My mom surprised me for my B-day and took me there for a get away. We went to "red door" for a massage and pampering, it was nice, although I would never ever endulge myself that way, too much $$$$. It was hard for me knowing S2BX was so near by (he's in a rehab in Atlantic City) and he and I had gone to AC quite a few times over the course of our marriage. So the memories came back, both good and bad. It was hard and I am still recovering. Love truly is not the stuff you read about in fairy tales, there is no Happily Ever after, it's all too complicated, all too painful.

    I'll be OK, I know I need "to be done" and focus on difficult child's

    Nite all I a n a v