Bad dream about difficult child

[recoveringenabler]

Two nights ago I had a horrible dream about my daughter. After some stuff I can't recall, there was a moment in the dream where I was torn between SO's desire to walk away from my difficult child and my wanting to help her. As I thought that in the dream, she fell to the ground, writhing in pain, screaming, curled in a fetal position, in obvious torment, just letting out a blood curdling horrific bunch of screams. I knelt down by her and saw, to my utter horror, this black gook coming out of her face as she was screaming, it was like what mercury looks like in liquid form. I began wiping the stuff off of her face and first yelling at her..... to change her life," PLEASE, PLEASE stop this, remember who you are, hold on to who you are", I was screaming too. As I was talking to her, she started to calm down, she looked at me and her face began changing from the terrible distorted grimace to a relaxed look on her face. I kept wiping that black crud off of her face and as I did, she became more and more calm. I thought, "she looks like my daughter used to look, before the darkness took her over." I just kept gently wiping her face and now softly talking to her, telling her I love her and want her back. She had an almost angelic, peaceful look on her face. I woke up, it was about 12:30 AM, I was never able to fall back asleep. Yesterday I couldn't get those images out of my mind. It was not a good day for me.

I talked to SO about the dream, he said, "maybe it's more about you, and as you have accepted how it is, and wiped all the chaos out of your life, you have calmed down." Good point, he's right, I have done that. I've read that sometimes we play all the roles in our dreams. And, it feels like what I did too, in my own estimation, trying desperately at times, to wipe the darkness from my daughter's life. I don't know. It's just left me with a strange feeling inside. For a while yesterday, I even thought, maybe she actually died and that's when her face became calm, in death. Yikes. Even when our difficult child's are not right there in our lives, they are so dramatically connected to our psyches, they are in our dreams as well.

I feel a lot better today, I have some distance from the dream and whatever it means, I think I'm still coming to grips with my own process of loving my daughter and letting her go. I would do anything to take away her pain, and yet.............there is nothing I can do to take away her pain. Sigh.......

 

[SuZir]

I talked to SO about the dream, he said, "maybe it's more about you, and as you have accepted how it is, and wiped all the chaos out of your life, you have calmed down." Good point, he's right, I have done that.
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I feel a lot better today, I have some distance from the dream and whatever it means, I think I'm still coming to grips with my own process of loving my daughter and letting her go.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a horrible dream. And I well know how those dreams can haunt you for days. Glad that you are now feeling little better.

I do think both you SO and you are right. You have more distance to her chaos now and that makes it possible for you to go through the deeper things related to her and your relationship, not only react to her everyday chaos. And loving her and letting her go, I'm not sure if that is something one can ever totally conform to. Love is just too strong for that. But one can get more accustomed to walk that rope and live with that situation.

 

[Calamity Jane]

RE,
What a startling dream - I can understand your fright and worry, but at the same time, in the dream, you were actually doing something that had a positive effect - you were wiping the goo away and her contortions, screams and fears abated.
Have you ever prayed to God to make her chaos stop? I only ask because I do that for my brother all the time. In a recent post, you were talking about SO and easy child not exactly thrilled with the idea of your daughter joining you at the holidays. Plus her birthday is coming up, and 40 is a big one. There's a lot of stuff coming up soon, and the dream might be one way of trying to work it all out. In my amateurish dream interpretation, I'm thinking maybe some part of you is acknowledging that she may only find lasting peace after her journey here is over, and your gently cleaning the goo is your way of "wiping the slate clean" so to speak, so she can have permission to move on? All that stuff is coming out of her, and you're frantically wiping it away, and she's comforted. Are you having any second thoughts about the recent boundary settings that you've imparted? It may have something to do with that, perhaps? Whatever it is, I'm sending you gentle, understanding hugs.

 

[ThreeShadows]

RE, I used to be really frightened of my weird and scary dreams until I decided that it was something in my psyche trying to speak to me and help me. Now I cherish them when they come. I think your dream is terrific, it feels very healing to me. I hope you will feel the same way some day.

 

[Nancy]

Wow, they aren't kidding when they say dreams are unresolved business in our subconscience. I can think of several different meanings but wouldn't it be wonderful if we could wipe away the black gook off their faces and have them well.

Nancy

 

[ThreeShadows]

Amen, Nancy!

 

[recoveringenabler]

It sure helps to write about what is bothering me and then have an instant gratification of support, ideas, options and understanding................thank you. Your responses helped me to move through this dream and the ensuing feelings and come out the other side. I so appreciate all of you.

SuZir, thanks, yes, I am 'going deeper' and at the same time becoming more accustomed to living in this situation.

CJ, thank you, yes, I've prayed and prayed for her chaos to stop, I've never prayed for anything as much or as fervently as I have for my difficult child. And, there is a lot coming up................I have thought at times that her suffering will only end with death and yet I so hope that isn't true.... but it may be. I'm not having second thoughts about any boundary setting, I feel relatively clear about that.

ThreeShadows, thanks, yes, I can see the positive healing aspects of the dream today, as I am less impacted by the visual of my daughter writhing in psychic pain.............and focusing more on the peaceful look on her face as the dream ended. I am usually more capable of seeing dreams as gifts from the subconscious, however, this one was a shocker!

Nancy, yes wouldn't it be wonderful if we could simply wipe them clean of all the gook and have them be well, sigh...............

SO and I were talking about all of this yesterday, we took a drive and a long walk and casually started talking about this last year and what it was like for us with my difficult child. It feels that the dream was a representation of what I have done in the last 10 months. We talked about all my desperate attempts at trying to "wipe away the darkness" from my daughter's life and the agony and fear that produced inside of me. It was like nothing else I've ever experienced, to go through all of that, step by step and then to get to a point where I was absolutely certain that there was nothing else I could do. I don't know if my difficult child will ever be able to get to a peaceful state, but after I exhausted every possible avenue of support that I could offer my difficult child, a certain calm began for me,........ which was surprising and has, thankfully, lasted. I did everything I could possibly do, and then I let go. And, then peace began to reign in my life. I wish more then anything else that I could do something to give my difficult child that peace, but I can't. I can give it to myself. And, I have. So, today, the dream has a different meaning and impact, it feels more like a conclusion, a recognition of what has transpired and the peace and comfort that comes when you've done all you can do.