Bad news

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jan 5, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Well I got the call from the sober house today. My son had some girl visit him from up here, they called and asked if she could stay at the place since she was his cousin... they agreed because they do allow families to visit. When she left they found a bunch of alcohol... so my son was given til tomorrow to figure out what he is going to do. I told them to take him to a homeless shelter!!! My son and I have texted some today... which totally pulled at my heartstrings... I told them to send me back the package I sent with the Sears gift card in it because I don't want to have it under these circumstances. They got the package today but had not given it to him yet.

    I feel so many things right now. Some disgust and anger but a lot of sadness and grief. It is so hard to face the fact that unless he really figures things out he is going to end up dead or in jail. I can face jail but am having a hard time when I think he could die... and yet there is really nothing I can do. I totally know intellectually that I can't resuce him this time.. he has to figure out what he is going to do. I did suggest to him that he call Salvation army!!!

    Glad he is 1000 miles south of us so it is warmer where he is than here.

    I am pretty heartbroken, but really determined not to let him ruin MY ife at this point.

    Good thoughts for me please.

  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Good thoughts to you. Was it really his girl friend? Sorry for you, sorry for him. HUGS and prayers.
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, TL, I am so sorry to hear this. I know how scared you are but at this point the only thing that you can do is let go and let God. Hopefully facing life in a homeless shelter will be the kick in the butt that he needs.

    Remember that others on the board have had to let their difficult child's hit rock bottom before they got serious about recovery. My difficult child never ended up in a homeless shelter after we finally kicked her out for good but the people she went to stay with gave her a time limit and she had nowhere else to go. That was when she finally checked herself into rehab. She came out thinking we would let her come back but we realized that she was nowhere ready to come back into our home. We again stood our ground and she ended up in a halfway house and seems to realize that if she screws this up she will end up with truly nowhere to go.

    In the meantime, I turned to the board for strength and support and that is what kept me sane.

    You know that we are here for you!

  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh TL I am so very sorry to hear this. I am angry for you. I'm angry that this stupid girl would jeopardize his sobriety. This is not a game it's his life. This has happened to us with neighbors and so called friends and I don't think I will ever forgive them. And I fear it could happen again if certain people came back in her life.

    You need to take care of yourself right now. I wish I could help.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I dont know if it was his ex girlfriend or a friend....he claims she was just a friend...but we all know about drug addicts lips moving....I wish i could believe him and i keep having to remind myself i cant.

    This is the 2nd sober house he has been kicked out of....i dont know what it is going to take...i told hi today maybe he needs to be homeless for a while.

  6. pinevalley

    pinevalley Member

    I am so sorry for you and for your son. You are a very strong person to be able to stand tough while your son breaks your heart. You are a true warrior mother! I am sending good thoughts to you as you deal with this crisis.
  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    TL, I am so sorry. Your head knows what to do, your mommy heart will catch up with it. It is tough love because it's tough on us. I am holding your hand- we will hang tough together. {hugs}
  8. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow toughlovin,
    You are really at that fork in the road. I sure hope your difficult child will make the right "turn".
    Why do we feel like we are the passengers in their lives? Least I do. Waiting to see what they will do next and hoping they don't injure the BOTH of US in the process!

    You really are so very brave to let your difficult child go through this consequence without you rescuing. I'm with you on taking this leap of faith. I know your mommy heart must be a nervous wreck!

    Hugs and good thoughts for you both,
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm so and your son remain in my thoughts.
  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I woke up thinking about you and so sad that this happened. It was only two months ago that my difficult child was kicked out of her second sober house. While she did make a good choice on where to live it put me in a tailspin. She was pregnant, jobless, and homeless. Somehow she picked herself up and that is what I am so hoping your difficult child will do.

    But I don't know why everyone still tells him he is not an addict. He may not have physical withdrawal symptoms but for him to do this over and over again, with different substances, says he has cravings that are so strong he will risk everything to satisfy them. The residents that difficult child was in both the treatment center and sober houses with that brought in substances or had friends bring them in all admitted their cravings were overwhelming. Your son didn't do that to have a party in his room, he did it to take the edge off, to make his body feel better, because those cravings were so strong it was uncomfortable not to give in.

    I know your heart is breaking and mine breaks for you because I do know what you are going through right now, it is so fresh to me and can happen again overnight. I want your son to reach out for help, to give up and admit he has a problem and can't do this alone. It's the first step in AA and I don't think he has taken that yet, and I wish people would start telling him like it is. My difficult child had to have everyone around her call her bluff until she finally had to admit she was an alcoholic, not just a teen who liked to drink.

    You will get through this, your difficult child will land on his feet and you need to be strong for the next time he is ready for help. Keep telling him you love him and that you want him to get help but he has to do it himself and he is the only one who can save himself.

  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all... it means so much. Nancy I think he thinks he is not an addict because of statements that have been made and because he does not feel he is physically addicted. I don't think those in the programs have been telling him that. I know other people here have had professionals tell their kids that.. I am hoping none of those working with my son have told him that. What I have found in the 2 rehabs he has been in is that a lot of the young people coming ins main drug of choice is pot, like my son.

    I agree with you the addiction is a powerful force. I think he finds he can do well if it is not around him and he is not faced with it directly... but the urge is strong that he does not refuse it when it is presented to him. Fact is you can not be around a sober community without someone somewhere relapsing... so to stay sober you have to want it and be committed to it yourself..and I don't think he is there yet. In our few texts yesterday he did not admit that he was drinking... it was all about the girl drinking but i don't buy that for a minute and obviously the sober house doesn't either.

    The other issue he has which he has always had is his need to defy the rules. This is a problem he also has to face. I don't think this problem was created by substance use because it was there before substance use... probably why stealing beers to try them was so attractive to him in the first place. So to me the whole thing where this girl and he came up with this plan to call the place and explain she was his "cousin" is a part of that... and so his absolute defiance and disrespect and disregard for the rules where he was living is kind of appalling to me. They are treating him as an adult and so they didn't call and check with me that she was his cousin!!! I would have told him no way.

    So to me this whole thing is a result of both of his issues substance use and his defiance..... and that combo is going to land him in jail or worse.

    A part of me just can't believe he did this... it was so fricking stupid.... this was the place he wanted to be. No one put him there. It is where he wanted to go. Why on earth does he keep sabatoging himself for??? I can't fathom it.

    I do know I have to stay strong. I can't rescue him. I did suggest yesterday that he might call the salvation army!! We had this text conversation yesterday which started with him saying "please". I am not sure if he texted me by accdent or if he asked me for something that I never got.... because he still hasn't told me what he was asking for. He did at one point say we would not be paying rent and i said I wasn't sure if that was a statement or a question but no we would not be paying rent. (Although at some point I would pay rent for a sober house again probably). He asked about insurance... and I did mention that it is the start of the year BUT I also said maybe he needs to be homeless for a couple of weeks before any more tx to really get it. I put money on the grocery card on Wednesday so he still has that. The Sears gift card (which was his xmas present) is being sent back to us and I told him we will hold it for him for when he is on a good path again.

    My husband who is a wonderful guy actually felt a little guilty about taking back the Xmas gift of the gift card. I said I don't feel guilty at all... that was because he was doing well and on the right path. I am not giving him a card he can now sell for drugs... he got that but really he is so much more of a softie. Luckily he does check with me before agreeing to anything with difficult child... and difficult child knows this so tends to ask me first!. LOL.

    I am determiend to get through this no matter what. I will not let him ruin my life.

  12. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry for this lattest development. I am glad you are able to hang tough and sent him to a homless shelter. My easy child/difficult child is on the anti-craving medication Rivia. He says it works great and he has no cravings at all. The Dr at the psyc facility says it is way better (and safer) than the medicine that makes them sick if they drink. Prevention vs punishment. Is there any reason you difficult child can't take this? It could be the missing piece to his recovery.
  13. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope your husband gets over that quilt quickly. I must have misunderstood because I thought you told me his treatment counselor told him he was not an addict and so did the sober house director, that he used drugs to mask other things. He is an addict. I hear what you are saying about the problems that existed before the drugs. I came to this board when my difficult child was 7 years old so trust me I understand. She defined the word "defiance." And while I would never say all her problems are solved now, so so many of them were resolved when she stopped drinking/drugs. It was almost as if she was an alocholic in her early years long befoe she started drinking and the drinking just made it official. While she still has areas in her life that she needs to work on, the drinking/drug problem had to be addressed first. Without that nothing else would change.

    I'm glad you are realistic about the drinking because this girl did not leave those alcohol bottles behind for her next visit, unless all of them were empty in which case it's even more unlikely he didn't drink. I remember the last relapse my difficult child had and she told me she drank half a beer, as if half a beer would make me feel better. I don't believe that at all. I'm wondering why he didn't make an attempt to get rid of the empties. If they brought them all in why couldn't they bring them all out when she left. Was he hoping they would find them?

    I don't mean to sound harsh but he is so much like my difficult child it is scarey. And my difficult child would pull the same thing and I got so angry with her, blowing yet another opportunity for help. She is an addict, plain and simple, and she has to start seeing herself that way in order to survive.

    I think you are right, your son needs to be homeless for a while. I got the pleading texts too. Sometimes int he middle of the night all I would get is "please". It ripped my heart out, made my physically ill. I sobbed uncontrollably and asked how much more we could be expected to take. I dreaded answering the phone knowing it could be telling me she was dead.

    I am pulling for your son to accept that he can't do this alone and decide he wants to change.

  14. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy... I think it was others who were directly told their child was not an addict just an abuser... but my son has implied that to me but I have never heard it from any professional. Truthfully I think most addicts start out using to mask other things... so what else is new.

    Actually I think when the girl left there were bottles with quite a bit left in them under the sink. My son tried to claim they were there before they got there... yeah right. It was checked before hand... and his text to me was like we don't know how they got there. Man I have heard that innocent I don't know how it happened so many times before. Give me a break!! His claim was also he didn't want to make her drive back 6 hours when he realized her coming was a mistake or that she was drunk.... ok fine then tell someone right then and there about the situation you are in. I mean honestly you think partying with her and leaving alcohol behind you is going to be ok and you can explain it after the fact? Its all BS to try and convince me he didn't really do anything and was just doing the right thing. I am not buying it.

    Gee the stories we hear.... and have believed in the past. I am getting smarter as I get older. LOL
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just want to say I'm sorry. I have no advice or observations other those already expressed. There are alot of times when I believe that our s.a. difficult child's are so socially needy that it is next to impossible for them to make mature choices. Most kids that age have girls and fun that includes booze. Here he is at eighteen trying to live like a grownup. Your son and all our s.a. difficult child's are in a statistical minority that requires them to isolate from the majority of their peers...and they just aren't mature enough to do so.
    Our difficult child is a girl magnet and most of the time they bring bottles on their "dates" if they aren't already going to a club. There are evenings when the only reason difficult child gets drunk is because "the girls" were pouring "cups" for him....and he doesn't have what it takes to say No. on the other hand, the bottom line is that the consequences lay on their shoulders when they make poor choices. It's just so painful to watch. Hugs. DDD
  16. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, that was my difficult child that was told by several professionals that they didn't think that she was an addict but used alcohol and pills to self medicate her mood disorder.

    I don't think they ever told her that she didn't have a problem with substance abuse. I think they meant she wasn't an addict in the sense that she had physical cravings or needed to detox. Not that I agree with them . . . just repeating what difficult child has said that she has been told. Whatever you call her, substance abuse was keeping her from being a functional adult and she needs to stop using alcohol and pills and they told her that.

    TL, I'm glad you don't believe him. I know how hard it is and how convincing they can be. You so want it to be true that you let that little bit of doubt creep in. I know when my difficult child stole from us and would vehemently deny it, I would start wondering if I was crazy and had really lost the money, jewelry, or credit card. Even though I knew the only explanation was that she had taken it, that doubt would creep in because I really wanted to believe that she didn't steal from us.

    Stay strong. He needs a wake up call and only something that makes him really uncomfortable will do it. My difficult child really fought going to a halfway house but the director told me recently that he thinks her being there was a good thing since she has been able to see how people have really messed up their lives (most of the people there are recently out of jail) and he thinks she is realizing that is not the life that she wants to live.

  17. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I remember now. I also thought TL's son was told that too but I think I was just remembering our discussion about addicted vs addiction, which I don't see the distinction.

    Under the sink? I thought they were in his room. So the housemother doesn't live there? Are there other sober men living in the house?

    Didn't he think they would tell on him? (I know I sound middle schoolish but sober people take their recovery seriously and don't want anything to jeopardize it). I guess it just surprises me that this could happen under their noses.

    Have you heard anything?

  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    My son was told that too...and it rang true at the time. He was assessed 3 times using the SASSI in conjunction with professional evaluation when he was 16.

    I am treading carefully here... the distinction was one where he was on the path to physical dependence. He was definitely abusing substances but had not crossed the line to dependence but he was approaching that level. It was just a scale and nothing more...
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    To be honest I am not quite sure of the setup and I am a little unsure of the setup. They do have apartments and they have one for families to use for free when they visit. My difficult child did tell me they signed up for her to vist because she was his "cousin" so maybe it was in the guest apartment. That is my guess.... which may be why my son blames it all on her because in that case it could be concievable that all the booze was hers... however I am pretty darned sure that if she had it that evening and he was with her he was drinking too!!

    And I do think it is a scale on addiction.... I guess if you are not physically addicted you are not as far along the path than if you are... and as far as drug use, those that are addicted to heroin are further along the path than those who are heavily smoking pot. However in my mind it is the same path and I know my son is moving down that path and I don't really how far along he is.

    And no Nancy I haven't heard anything. I am trying to keep busy and not think about it too much. I am doing surprisingly ok (guess I have had practice) but when I am alone and driving or in the shower the pain and tears come... so far though I have not broken down into a sobbing puddle. That may happen though.

  20. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Very sorry to hear what has happened with your difficult child. Sending hugs your way. Salvation Army might do wonders for him. My brother in law had a great experience becoming sober & staying sober under their supervision.