Bad to Worse

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by happymomof2, Jun 24, 2010.

  1. happymomof2

    happymomof2 New Member

    I posted about a week ago after difficult child and girlfriend went out to a party and didn't get in until 5:30 a.m. He was drunk and mad. Well we got over that hurdle - but then....

    Monday night I got a call about 10:30 from our local police station, seems difficult child and girlfriend decided to shop lift at walmart. Hind sight being 20/20 I should have left them in jail but I didn't. Since girlfriend is not my kid she didn't like the fact there was tension in the house because I was upset that they got arrested. Gee... what was I thinking? (said sarcastically). Neither of them have even given me a "thank-you for getting us out of jail" yet. Tuesday when I got home from work - after getting 3 hours of sleep - they were both still asleep. Must be nice.

    Wed. morning I was off work and told them house rules ask them what they had decided, was she leaving? She was, difficult child got very upset said it wasn't "fair" that she could leave and do what she wanted while he had to stay here and be restricted to the house due to the shoplifting. He was begging her not to leave and when she still wanted to go he got violent. Picked up an old broken bb gun and started using it as a bat to punch holes in walls and doors. Grabbed her and pushed her down, pushed me twice trying to get to her. Had 911 on the phone during all this, the operator ask me if I wanted her to stay on the phone with me until the officer arrived I said yes. Once I got them split up I told her to go to my room and lock the door. Again that lovely hind sight I should have went with her but I was trying to calm him down and get the bb gun away so when the police got here they wouldn't shoot him. In the midst of all this another bomb was dropped on my head "difficult child screamed out that was his girlfriend and she was possibley pregnant". Wonderful way to be informed of that!

    Police showed up, handcuffed him, talked to him and her and was not going to arrest him until.... cop ask girlfriend if she wanted to stay and she said no, he noticed that difficult child got real aggitated sitting on couch in handcuffs that is when the cop decided to take him in.

    We go to court this morning and they bring him in, nice yellow suit and all. Judge was going to release him to us I told judge I was afraid for my safety so the judge said he would hold him for a week. Public defender said she was new to the area and told the judge she would check for a place to have him taken. The judge smiled at her and plainly said "there isn't any".

    So for now he is in juvenile detention until next Thursday. I have an appointment with the public defender Monday. I am also looking for a place for him to get help.

    I held it together through all this until I walked out of the courtroom, headed straight to the bathroom crying my eyes out. Yes he needs help, yes I am afraid of him, yes he is still my son and I love him with all my heart. This is all so hard.

    I want him evaluated and tested for any and every problem he may have. From depression to bi-polar and everything in between. Will I get that? Starting to look doubtful. What a wonderful society we live in.

    Just wanted to give you all an update. Thanks for all the responses to my last post. Hoping he gets some help before he seriously hurts one of us.
  2. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    I missed a bit of the other posts you mentioned.

    Just some random thoughts though...

    If you suspect he is a danger to self or others you can have him hospitalized for observation and stabilization. That is pretty standard in the (limited) mental health system.

    Since the court seems to lack an appropriate alternative anyway it shouldn't be hard to negotiate this with the prosecutor or the judge or just make the call to the hospital to pick him up as he is released. You have sufficient proof at this point to show his behavior. He was obvioulsy violent and aggresive but the bb gun thing shows a potentially life threatening lapse in judgment. He could have been shot which shows a clear danger to self as well.

    If he is suffering from a mental illness the safest and best thing for his long term health is to get him the help, especially when he is easy to "grab". Ultimately his hospital stay will be to medicate and get under control if they feel it is warranted. It buys time and takes the edge off of the current episode. In the end it is still up to the individual to decide they want help, want to get better and to accept what is offered. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them think...

    I had to have my ex hospitalized twice. Both times the police took him and I had to fill out some legal papers at the hospital. He opted to cooperate but had he not the hospital would have proceeded with court orders to make him stay until he was stable. In our case the hospital put a rush on state medical care coverage because he had none and he got discharged with a case worker and much needed resources. For some reason a lot of states can push through red tape when these sorts of situations pop up in case expense is a worry for you.

    Finally, on a personal level my Mom had to call me in when I was first diagnosed with bi polar. I hated her for it and wouldn't talk to her at first. I thought I was fine. A couple medications and a month later and I was seeing more of reality and less of my rage. I also learned that she did what was best for me and did it out of love even though I hated her at the time. I got over it real quick once I got well and saw just what a fool I had been to lead to being taken in.

    As a survivor of several types of dysfunctional and abusive realtionships I learned one thing. You get the treatment you allow yourself to take. If you never establish boundaries no one knows what lines not to cross.

    I felt such a sense of relief when my ex was hospitalized. I was a little sad and worried but for the first time in a long time I slept well. No worries of him hurting himself or vanishing to end up goodness knows where on the street from his confusion. No worries of him raging at me or "going off" for mysterious reasons. I knew he was safe and it totally overshadowed any feelings of guilt or worry over him not liking what I did. I hadn't felt peace in years...

    Due to his paranoia he never trusted me again and we had a bitter parting. I also know that today he is well and happy because of the painful sacrifice I made to save him. When we parted I did so knowing he had the help lined up that he needed, his medications got rid of his homicidal and suicidal ideation. My marriage ended but I saved the life of a very old friend. Hard times but I wouldn't go back and change a thing.

    Tough love...