Bad to worse

[ILMS]

Hi, everyone. Just need to vent some regarding last weekend. To recap, 19-year-old son went through 6 month rehab, did great, came home to live with us awhile, didn't take too long for everything to go back to the way it was. In retrospect, should have insisted he go to three-quarter house. Anyway. We kicked him out of house a couple of weeks ago. He has no job, no car, no high school diploma. He has several people at our church and my family who really love and care for him and are willing to help him get on his feet if he were only willing. For some reason, he keeps going back to the old druggie friends who he knows do not care about him. Right now he is just going from house to house, and this is mostly like 16 and 17 year old kids because he was a couple of grades behind in school. If I knew where he was staying, I would let the parents know.

I know this was a mistake, but Friday he called and said "I am through, I feel like killing myself, I am so depressed, I am ready to go back into rehab, etc". Can I just stay at your house and we will look into rehabs tomorrow. I gave in and said, ok, but it is Salvation Army tomorrow if we don't have a rehab to go to, which he agreed to. Morning came, we called some rehabs, got some good places that he can go to and found out about where to download forms. I had plans for breakfast with a friend, and I told him he was going to have to leave and we would get back together in the afternoon because he was not staying at my house while I was gone. I told him I would take him to Salvation Army in the evening. He left My husband was not home. I get a call from my husband just when I was sitting down to eat, and he told me when he got home, he caught our son and a friend smoking pot in the house and on my computer!! He wouldn't leave, my husband called police, and police told him Dollar General near my house had just called and said our son had stolen lighters and pulled out a knife on the cashier when he confronted him with stealing. Later on he texted me again, saying "I am going to kill myself" and I told him he needs to go to a psychiatric hospital. He said "I am right outside". Just so happens a friend of ours was at our house who is a part of Celebrate Recovery at our church and was a drug addict a long time ago. The friend of ours asked if he could talk to Alex at our house and we said yes. So we let him in so they could talk. So, they talked for about 3 hours. Son seemed to listen some, but he was telling him all kinds of lies. He didn't go to Salvation Army, he found another friend to stay with.

I think the suicide threats are manipulation. He has never before even hinted that he was suicidal. I am sure there is a warrant out for his arrest now. I know he definitely needs to go into rehab again. He just has a prepaid phone, and his month runs out tomorrow. Even though I use the phone to make sure he is okay, I considered not renewing it since it would disable him further. It would make him unable to contact anyone. That would mean unable to contact me, but I know he could find a way to contact me if he really wanted to. Right now he is totally ignoring my texts anyway for the most part.

I am planning on going to Al-Anon this weekend. I am still working on detaching and not enabling.

Thanks for letting me vent!

 

[Zardo]

What a nightmare - I am so sorry that you have to endure this. Deep breath - serenity prayer - detach - detach - detach. This story reminds me of one of our big successes at my parent support group - their son had been through a couple of rehabs - been arrested a few times - spent time in jail etc - finally he stole a lot of jewelry from his mom and they caught him - they had him arrested and made a deal with him - his choices were going back to jail or they drop the charges and send him to Florida for rehab and sober living and he was not to contact them - they were done - he took the deal and went to Florida. They didn't hear from him for a year and when they did - he was the son they had once known. They still were careful how much to "let him in" and over time they began to trust. Now three years later - he came to our support group to tell his story and thank his mom for forcing the issue- he is still sober and thankful to his family for drawing the line - he says he wouldn't have gotten sober had they not - - he had no where to go and nothing of his own - he suffered through but now he is huge in AA and sponsors many struggling young people. In our group the common thread of the successes is that line drawn by the parents and the difficult child left with no choice bit to dig themselves out. Mine is 17 so that line becomes blurred - yours is 19 you have more power. Food for thought.......

 

[BusynMember]

Hi and I'm so sorry you had to be so disappointed and, of course, frightened by your son's behavior. I can pretty much tell you why he disregards those who love him and turns to his "friends." It's because he's addicted to drugs and those who love them won't give him any. In fact, you will try to stop him from using drugs and that is not something he is ready to stop doing. Pulling the knife on the cashier was dangerous and no doubt fueled by his drug use, and that isn't pot that causes that. I don't know if you know this, but your son is likely doing way more than pot.

The best thing you can do is exactly what you plan on doing. It is sad that he is not choosing the hard road of quitting. You can't force him. All you can do is detach and take care of yourself.

 

[ILMS]

Midwest Mom - Yes I do realize that it has to be way more than pot that he is doing. Thanks for your insight, you said just what I was suspecting.

Zardo- Thanks for the encouraging story - I hope that will be my son one day, but realize that I have to totally back away in order for that possibility to exist.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh hugs to you as you go through this. Definitely dont beat yourself up for letting him come home... detachment is a process and each time they manipulate us we learn.... so it was a step in your own path to detachment.

If he calls threatening to kill himself again offer to go get him and take him to the hospital. 18 months ago my son called me desperate and suicidal and that is what I did... he ended up checking himself in and that was a step towards rehab (at the time anyway). So yes take him seriously and offer him help, but dont fall for the manipulaton and bring him home. He needs to learn that suicide threats mean a trip to the hospital, not a night at home in a comfy bed.

I personally do not think I could cut off all contact until... I want my son to know he has my love and support when he is doing the right things... cutting off all contact feels very rejecting to me. Not saying it is the wrong thing to do for everyone, but I could not do it. However I let him literally be on the streets and homeless for 5 months in the middle of winter.

As far as the phone... do what feels right to you!! For me I feel better when he has a phone... there was a period when he was homeless that he did not have a working phone... we had sent him one to a friend near by but he had left that area before he got it...and then we had no address to have it sent to so he was without one. I have to say I found that very very difficult because if he didnt post on FB (via an internet cafe or something) then I had no information and I would lie awake wondering if he was dead. I found that truly excrutiating. Fact is if they want drug contacts they will find a way, with or without a phone... so for me personally I feel better with providing him a phone.

Hang in there... you are doing all the right things.

TL

 

[Nancy]

ILMS I started to respond last night but got distracted. I was going to say the same as TL. Many of us here have foudn that paying for their cell phone is the lesser of the two evils. Having had a difficult child on the streets I found it unbearable not to be abe to have contact with her or have her be able to call for help in an emergency. For that reason we agreed to pay for her phone and have continued that even today. I can;t imagine us stopping that service unless she was in a position to pay for it herself. Having said that, I did have parental controls on the phone and was able to set time limits and block numbers and even restrict all calling except to 999 and family members in her plan. I did use that feature on occassion when I wanted her to get in touch with us.

You my just have to let him find his bottom and decide for himself when to get help and in the meantime not allow him to live in your home while he is using. There is little you can do to force him into treatment but the courts may do so in response to his incident at the convenience store. That is a serious situation and he may decide treatment is better than jail. If he is arrested you will want to talk to his attorney to let him/her know what is going on with your son and the drugs and tell them you would like court ordered treatment.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi, ILMS,

Just wanted to say that we support you and that this is a safe place to vent/cry/comiserate/learn to detach.

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

Be Strong.

 

[ILMS]

Just testing to see if my signature shows up .