hearts and roses
Mind Reader
What an emotional week. H's dad is dying-terminal pancreatic cancer. His liver and pancreas have shut down and his kidneys are not far behind. It is a very sad time for H and his sibs, and his mom, who most of us agree is not okay to live alone. She has serious bouts of depression and isolates herself so without father in law to pull her out of it, she will not fare well.I was not going to go with H to florida initially but he expected me to and said he wanted me to-I thought he needed me for support so I went. We left on Monday afternoon and got back last night after midnight-we are exhausted. Plus, I have some experience in this arena and since H's sister and brother included me in the discussions about health care planning for his dad (and mom) I thought I might be able to provide some valuable input. NOT.The thing is I don't know why every time I am with H's family I think that this one time will be the time that his mother accepts me as his wife and as part of the family, include me, acknowledge me, something. Granted she was under duress, but really? It doesn't matter what's going on, the woman makes it very clear she would like me to become part of the woodwork...not be seen, not be heard. And, I hate to say it, but until H opens his mouth in my honor and defense, this prevailing attitude towards me by his mother will never change. And now, his father is dying, he was our buffer. He was the one who made visits tolerable, who I loved and respected,despite his bad behavior at times, lol. She shot arrows at me with her eyes every time I spoke, she excluded me at meals, in conversations, at the hospital and when she introduced me she couldn't get the words 'daughter in law' out and stumbled and just said, Uh, this is, Uh, um, this is H&R. This, after introducing her children by their full names....not, 'this is my son's wife, this is my daughter in law' nope. After 15 years of marriage to her almost 50 year old son, she still refuses to acknowledge my place in the family. Unfortunately, after one particularly horrid day at her hands, I lost it. I'm sure it was in part to her rotten self, part fils impending prognosis, the memory of my own fathers death as well as what I go through with my mother all the time, but I lost it crying...thank God H wasn't there for that, I was able to vent to my sister. But the next morning, H up and left me at the hotel without a hint of where he went (he went down to the river for two hours). Agh, and the hotel...disgusting, but it was only $47/night. Clean kind of, comfy beds, okay, passable but I did have them change our rooms the first night due to old soda cans and bottles resting on the night stand and soggy soap in the shower-EW. So anyway, when H returned to our mangy hotel room, I was upset and we had a huge fight. It was very bad timing on my part and I did later apologize for my timing, but not my feelings. H was good about it, made excuses for his mom, as always, which I do not accept. She is very passive aggressive towards me and wants me to know that she doesn't like me but shows it in ways that are easily missed by her adoring son, my H. H's brother and sister both see it but cant intervene much because she feigns ignorance...its all so very F*ed up. So, we moved on, had to because we were due at the hospital. So I said the serenity prayer a lot and took a step back and remembered why I was there-to support H, not to provide input into family discussions. So when they met with others I stayed with father in law as he slept-for me it truly was a form of self preservation. I mean, why put myself in a position to be treated like **** by H's mother again.So, leaving last evening was horrible, his father will die before we see him again, there was a lot of crying. Both H's sister and us left at the same time. H's brother will say till next week, then sister in law will go back, then H will o back, provided father in law is still alive. He's this tiny man now, he used to be so robust. Anyway, we had to leave for the airport and were saying goodbye to his mom. When it was my turn, I tried to hug her but she held me at arms length and when I said words of comfort, including I love you, she literally chuckled at me. I kid you not, she really LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN MY EAR!! I wanted to ask her if I had said something funny! I'm glad to be home. H is talking about having her move near him or one of his sibs. This may be the straw that broke the camels back. I don't think I will be able to deal with her living nearby us, now is not the time to state this to H, but it must be said at some point. And he will undoubtedly mention the fact that my mom was moved her, but my mom is in a nursing home and relies on my sister and me for contact with the outside world. She can't come over and visit, drive, etc. And...my mother LOVES HIM.I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but pray for me ladies, please! I will end on a good note, I feel better and I'm very proud of the way in which H handled dealing with hospice while we were there. I know this will not be easy for him and I pray that his fathers death is swift and painless. Once they go into crisis care, from what I understand, the end is near.
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