Bad week, father in law is dying...been gone since Monday

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Jul 8, 2011.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    What an emotional week. H's dad is dying-terminal pancreatic cancer. His liver and pancreas have shut down and his kidneys are not far behind. It is a very sad time for H and his sibs, and his mom, who most of us agree is not okay to live alone. She has serious bouts of depression and isolates herself so without father in law to pull her out of it, she will not fare well.I was not going to go with H to florida initially but he expected me to and said he wanted me to-I thought he needed me for support so I went. We left on Monday afternoon and got back last night after midnight-we are exhausted. Plus, I have some experience in this arena and since H's sister and brother included me in the discussions about health care planning for his dad (and mom) I thought I might be able to provide some valuable input. NOT.The thing is I don't know why every time I am with H's family I think that this one time will be the time that his mother accepts me as his wife and as part of the family, include me, acknowledge me, something. Granted she was under duress, but really? It doesn't matter what's going on, the woman makes it very clear she would like me to become part of the woodwork...not be seen, not be heard. And, I hate to say it, but until H opens his mouth in my honor and defense, this prevailing attitude towards me by his mother will never change. And now, his father is dying, he was our buffer. He was the one who made visits tolerable, who I loved and respected,despite his bad behavior at times, lol. She shot arrows at me with her eyes every time I spoke, she excluded me at meals, in conversations, at the hospital and when she introduced me she couldn't get the words 'daughter in law' out and stumbled and just said, Uh, this is, Uh, um, this is H&R. This, after introducing her children by their full names....not, 'this is my son's wife, this is my daughter in law' nope. After 15 years of marriage to her almost 50 year old son, she still refuses to acknowledge my place in the family. Unfortunately, after one particularly horrid day at her hands, I lost it. I'm sure it was in part to her rotten self, part fils impending prognosis, the memory of my own fathers death as well as what I go through with my mother all the time, but I lost it crying...thank God H wasn't there for that, I was able to vent to my sister. But the next morning, H up and left me at the hotel without a hint of where he went (he went down to the river for two hours). Agh, and the hotel...disgusting, but it was only $47/night. Clean kind of, comfy beds, okay, passable but I did have them change our rooms the first night due to old soda cans and bottles resting on the night stand and soggy soap in the shower-EW. So anyway, when H returned to our mangy hotel room, I was upset and we had a huge fight. It was very bad timing on my part and I did later apologize for my timing, but not my feelings. H was good about it, made excuses for his mom, as always, which I do not accept. She is very passive aggressive towards me and wants me to know that she doesn't like me but shows it in ways that are easily missed by her adoring son, my H. H's brother and sister both see it but cant intervene much because she feigns ignorance...its all so very F*ed up. So, we moved on, had to because we were due at the hospital. So I said the serenity prayer a lot and took a step back and remembered why I was there-to support H, not to provide input into family discussions. So when they met with others I stayed with father in law as he slept-for me it truly was a form of self preservation. I mean, why put myself in a position to be treated like **** by H's mother again.So, leaving last evening was horrible, his father will die before we see him again, there was a lot of crying. Both H's sister and us left at the same time. H's brother will say till next week, then sister in law will go back, then H will o back, provided father in law is still alive. He's this tiny man now, he used to be so robust. Anyway, we had to leave for the airport and were saying goodbye to his mom. When it was my turn, I tried to hug her but she held me at arms length and when I said words of comfort, including I love you, she literally chuckled at me. I kid you not, she really LAUGHED OUT LOUD IN MY EAR!! I wanted to ask her if I had said something funny! I'm glad to be home. H is talking about having her move near him or one of his sibs. This may be the straw that broke the camels back. I don't think I will be able to deal with her living nearby us, now is not the time to state this to H, but it must be said at some point. And he will undoubtedly mention the fact that my mom was moved her, but my mom is in a nursing home and relies on my sister and me for contact with the outside world. She can't come over and visit, drive, etc. mother LOVES HIM.I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but pray for me ladies, please! I will end on a good note, I feel better and I'm very proud of the way in which H handled dealing with hospice while we were there. I know this will not be easy for him and I pray that his fathers death is swift and painless. Once they go into crisis care, from what I understand, the end is near.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2011
  2. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    H&R , I am so sorry ...

    It such a trying and emotional time for all the family.

    I wish husband and you some peace at such a very difficult time.
  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'm so sorry that all this is happening, death of a beloved family member is difficult enough without all the extra stuff. Sending {{{hugs}}} & prayers.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that the trip was so traumatic. Based on your prior posts I bet father in law wanted it to be the way it is and not a long protracted illness with unpleasant treatments etc. When he mailed his Will a few months ago it seemed to me that he was choosing the course he preferred. I'm glad that he will not have to suffer.

    I have no idea what issues your mother in law has with you but obviously they are deep seated. You may never find out "why" but I doubt that she will change her attitude. I hope that your H will acknowledge your need and right to have a life with-o the stress of her presence nearby. Sometimes grief and shock cause people to feel that they have to take over custodial duties. Hopefully he will not get too confused on his responsibilities.

    I'm sending caring and supportive hugs your way. DDD
  5. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm sorry about all the drama on top of the stress of losing a loved one. That's the last thing you need. (((((Hugs))))) I hope things go better.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    OMG, what a mess. I am so sorry.
    Oh, ick--about the hotel room.

    I can't believe you told your m-i-l you loved her. You are way more generous than I am. I would have said something like "Take care of yourself."

    I would also plan to have it out with-your H in a few wks after all this is over. I cannot believe he still does not stand up for you.
    After his father has passed, what does he have to lose by standing up for you? Does he really want to be around his mother? Is it a guilt relationship or does he really miss her when she's not around? I'm thinking he kept the peace just to be about to see his dad, Know what I mean??

    I hope that your f-i-l is not in any pain.

    Please get some sleep (in your clean house and on clean sheets!!!) and I'm sure things will seem more clear over the weekend.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thank you all so much, what a mess, indeed! I went out with difficult child and we stopped to have a drink and catch up, it was good. Nice that I can vent to her and she to me. When I arrived home, H told me he called his mom and she told him it may be just a matter or days. H is not doing well. Thank you for all your kind words, thoughts and support. I feel so grateful to have friends I can turn to. The stuff with him mom and me? I will take it one day at a time for now. I'm a patient person, or, erm, I can be.
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911


    I'm sorry for the loss you are facing with your father in law. It's obvious you do have a deep respect and love for that man, and he surely will be missed by your husband, you and I'm sure his Grandchildren. My deepest admiration for your breaking heart and know that you are in MY heart for support and strength in the coming days ahead.

    Very much keeping one unpleasantry from another with regards to your Mother In Law. It's interesting how womens minds work isn't it? How we are so quick to form opinions about other wiomen? In my own life I know for a fact that with regards to Dudes small years of girlfriends even I have found myself wishing and telling people that I would NEVER EVER do do a girl what my Mother in Law did to me because it was horrid. The woman was beyond description of her heinous acts, her unkindness, her backstabbing, immoral, going out of her way to make me feel unloved and uncomfortable in every situation possible. Then there I was, faced with one of Dudes choices for a girlfrined. He called, said "I love her, I want to marry her Momma." and I nearly passed out when he sent the picture over a text. I swear to you I called Janet and said things that were not so kind. Not ugly, but not things she would have found complimentary. Nothing I would have felt comfortable repeating in her presence. I'm not opposed to multiracial people, she was about seven different races - no biggie. I'm not opposed to tattoed people. I'm not opposed to people with piercings, or bisexual people, or people that have an occasional drink or even people that want to do their own thing with recreational drugs - just don't do them near me. But when you roll all those things up into one 17 year old girl who from day to day changes her ethniticity from white, to black, to puertorican, to dominician, to latino, to cuban, to elsalvadorian depending on her mood, her temper, her attitude, her wanting to kill my son....and has more tattoos than a prison gang member - her skull was completely tattooed, down her back across her chest, her forhead, she had more holes in her from piercings than I could count - I'm figuring byt the time the metal wears on her body at age 25 her nose should be at her belly button - if not there at LEAST past her lip, and her guages are bigger than butter lids, I think her wife was more in love with my son that she was, or at least paid more attention to him, and her drinking and pot smoking pictures were the last thing I wanted to see on her FB page - Lovely hooka. So yeah - WE DO form opinions about people and it's HARD to rise above our stigmas and see the person underneeth all that and say "Wow so she's a great artist, and she loves you? Wonderful? When is the wedding, I can't wait for grandchildren = that should be interesting....all than and throw in Native american, French, Welsh, Irish and Dutch." WHoopie. Hope he goes and works for the UN.

    Point I'm trying to make here - is Your mother in law? Does NOT have to like you. Not then, not now, not in the future. JUST BECAUSE you love her son? (shrug) Doesn't mean a whole lot. Good for you, you love her son. Doesn't mean squat to her. You need to stop looking for her approval. Doesn't mean you have to hate her either. You're not "sharing" him either. He lives with you. There is a certain amount of time that he needs to go be with her.....and you need to let her have him. When he does? (shrug again) GO do something for yourself. Stop inviting yourself to be with THEM. If he wants you there? Just say something like "OH you kow what? I had this other thing I really was going to do - why don't you just go on and hang out with your Mom, If I can catch up with you both I'll call."

    I mean it would be great if you COULD get along with her----but you don't. OH WELL. In this world we are going to have people that we do NOT get along with. Agree to disagree and find another something to do. As far as her moving near you? I bet nothing is FURTHER from HER mind. I wouldn't worry about that either. Doesn't sound like she would WANT to be near you.....not being ugly but why come there - she has few things in common, at this stage shes NOT looking to build a freindship of BFF....let her live her life. No sense in teaching her a lesson - live your life - keep being nice like you are.....let her be who she is. And as far as the hugging and I love you - Nyeah.....I would stop that. Say what you mean. You don't love her. When you sign a sympathy card. I'd honestly get two. One for your husband to send his MOm alone.....let HIM sign it love - and maybe one from the grandkids since theyare older let them send THEIR own......and then one signed from you -----just THINKING OF YOU......and your name. NOT love - HNR. Or THINKING OF YOU - HNR and your hubby -
    Otherns will probably come along and say different - but I think it would be a start on being sincere with her. You've tried "I love you -" Shes not receptive to it - so give her want she wants. Thinking of you. Leave it at that. Sending flowers? THINKING OF YOU......During this time.

    Hope this helps - Hugs :& love
    And I DO love you.....
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm so sorry father in law is going downhill so fast.

    Prayers being said for the family and that he will go the less painful way possible.

  10. Marcie Mac

    Marcie Mac Just Plain Ole Tired

    Sorry Jo - I know it is a horrible feeling to be an "outsider" in a family, especially for no particular reason you can put your finger on. Its very magnified when someone is dying.

    Will keep my fingers crossed that your H's sibs step up to the plate as regards to which one mom lives close to. My guess if she has a say, it won't be close to H or you, so I wouldn't worry bout it.

  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    As a mother in law who really really wanted a daughter who I could love, I dont understand why this concept is so hard. I think moms are afraid wives are taking their sons away but really, I am not afraid of that. I wanted dearly to love Billie with all my heart. Really really. I wanted a daughter because all I had were boys. When Jamie got married the first time, I was tickled pink. I adored Crystal until she cheated on him. Well, a little before that because she was pretty abusive to him too. But again, I wanted a daughter so I was thrilled to get me a daughter in law.

    Im so sorry about your father in law. I hope he passes quickly so his pain is over with the least amount as possible. I hope that comes out right. As far as mother in law...I do know what you mean though. Because of the relationship I have with Jamie and Billie, I have told everyone that I will never move near them or with them when I get old. An old folks home for me!
  12. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest