Beating my aching head......

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by timer lady, Dec 18, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    As many of you know, husband moved out of the house. He announced that he was heading out to run errands & never returned. I heard from him much later that night when he stated he wasn't returning home.

    Yeah, well.......

    He's found an apartment. However, he can't move in yet BECAUSE he cannot get furniture delivered for 6 weeks. Yeah, well, that's if you order it online or special order a piece.

    Wireless internet - hey bud you're in the industry. Get broadband installed & set up a wireless network This is a no brainer & I'm not in the industry.

    So....guess who's going out furniture shopping & talking to Comcast today? Yup, me. Because I don't want the man to move into his new home & come here to work during the day. That's not going to happen. I can make the apartment work.

    Enabling....damn right. Keeping husband out until/unless he gets it together ..... damn right. Don't know whether this is the right thing to do or not but I will not have him coming in here daily after working so hard to get kt settled down (a small bit) just to set things off again. Not going to happen.

    It's like a teenager - I'll teach the man skills to take care of himself & then he's on his own.

    We need to be polite & graceful to one another for the kids. I don't have to like him right now; in fact, am fairly angry. I can hide that in front of the tweedles.

    Leaving for errands .... not coming home. What a freaking cowardly dishonest way to do things.

    by the way, I'm tired of hearing of his addiction, detox, rehab, etc. We all have it hard. I'm tired of being the one to have to understand all the time. I've gotten very little understanding & support over the last 18 months with my illness from my husband. I'm on my own now to handle the tweedles & their issues until husband pulls it together. I just pray that he hangs onto his job. That's the only thing he seems to grasp in this situation.

    Ahhhhhh....that felt good. I needed to say this outloud.
  2. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    You're too kind Linda. Seriously, I'd suggest he find a few milk crates for furniture and go to the library computers to do his work.


    He doesn't deserve you. Geesh.
  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen


    You don't 'owe' him anything. That doesn't mean you hate him, but he's made his choices. Now figure out what you're going to do with that choice. Crud...I'm still sleeping on an inflatable bed 6 months after the fact. My entire house is from Goodwill or Craig's List. Let him figure it out. Change the locks.

  4. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I have an idea! How about you shop for new furniture for YOU and arrange for the furniture in your home to be shipped to husband's , apartment. You could use a little pick me up, right? :cutie_pie:
  5. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Gosh, he sounds so much like a teenager treating mom like dirt but she is the first one he comes to for rescuing.

    I would be tempted to say, "I can not think about that right now. Since you left, I have to do EVERYTHING for this house and the kids and myself. Being a single parent is not easy especially when you use to have a reliable helper once in awhile. I lost my support so I am unable to support others like I use to." or "I will help get the internet set up but I have 1., 2., 3., 4., etc. (list everything down to the smallest detail highlighting those things he normally helped with) to do. Let me look at my schedule, Ummm I will be available January 7th to go furniture shopping."
  6. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    P.S. I love Mom to Be's suggestion. YOU get the new furniture - let him have hand me downs.
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Linda, I don't quite get it- when I was 20-something, I went to a store, picked out a sleeper sofa, had it delivered, and slept on it and lived on it until my furniture was shipped from 2500 miles away. Why can't he go to a store and get a sofa and have it delievered? Do you have more time on your hands? I hear your explanation but you are way too kind and it could be that you end up resenting this quite a bit a few weeks from now.

    I also like the idea of him getting 1 or 2 pieces of furniture from your house. Maybe even a couple of dishes and glasses- unless he plans on eating all his meals out??
  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Another one who really doesn't get it. He moved out. He found his own apartment. The fact he has no furniture is not your problem. Neither is the internet. I'd be telling him that working at the house is not an option. It's not fair to you or to kt. He made his choices. He needs to live with them.

    I really can understand him saying he can't cope any more. Many people really don't handle long-term illnesses well. However, to say he is going to do an errand and then announce he moved out is inexcusable. He lost any sympathy from me that he might have gotten (which wasn't all that much but at least I understood his plight). There is no way I would be doing a dang thing for him. He doesn't deserve it and he certainly doesn't deserve to be coming into YOUR home for his convenience.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I agree with the others, yet at the sametime you have to do what you feel is right. If you feel that doing that will stop him from coming to you than I hope it works.

    Yet most times it doesnt'. Unfortunatly next time it will be something else. That's what i've learned at least. Once you do this, than maybe you should sit down and decide where your line will be drawn as far as this stuff is concerned. So that you don't now have a bigger job of running his errands now that he's out.

    I don't blame you for wanting to do anything at this point to keep him out though till he straightens out and is worthy of you.

  10. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Timer, I am guessing that-- If you don't find the furniture and internet service, husband will have to come back to the house to work, which will stress you out. I hope to god that he is giving you some money. I do think he is behaving badly, but I understand why you are doing these things. You are going to all this trouble so that your husband (or whatever you call him now) does not cause you and kt more stress. Hugs, and I hope it all settles soon.
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Send the man to the library. Or one of those internet cafes.

    Polite I agree with, being fairly cooperative I agree with. Most especially for the tweedles sake. But do not call comcast, do not help him with a damn thing while he is out of the house. I'm not being a hard arse, husband chose his's up to you to let him walk it alone. husband wants his cake and to eat it too. If you help him, you're serving that cake to him.

    Marriage is a team, seperation means you go solo. husband needs to see that as quickly as possible.

  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    You just keep saying it out loud and as loud and as often as you need to.

    I agree with you that it's really kinda wonky for you to be helping him like this after how he's treated you and the decision he's made. But I also understand your reasoning to get him settled so that your life goes more smoothly. It's an especially difficult situation -- you are being much nicer about this than I think I could be.

    I'm glad to hear he's still going to help out with KT.

  13. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You do what you need.
    Then come here and vent. So you can stay strong for the Tweedles and keep yourself strong.
    As long as you feel you are keeping yourself and KT at peace, then I get it. Sometimes it is easier to just do things for *kids in denial*... or *kids who are delusional*
    aka husband...
    You are a better woman than most.
    Hang in there.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I second the motion - Mom 2 three is a genius!

    YOu get new furniture..........

    Linda - you sound surprisingly together for such a time of it.

    I'm really proud of you and I get the "assistance" part of it. I also agree with Abby - you're too kind.

    Hope you are feeling better
    THey say adreneline is like major pain killer - hope thats true with you and you get through this to a level you can deal with.

  15. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    I don't see this as Linda enabling her husband. I see this as a smart move to get him situated in his own place, so that her life is no longer disrupted with the goings on. I see this as an even smarter move, securing him a liveable WORK SPACE to keep the income rolling in. :cutie_pie: So, did YOU find yourself some new furniture today? :cutie_pie:
  16. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You do what you need to do so you and kt can have some peace. I would do the same thing just to get it done with. I wouldn't want to live the next however many weeks with all that going on. You can't put a price on peace of mind.

    I do, however, like Mom to 3's idea about the furniture. That'll teach him. ;)
  17. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'm kinda with mom to 3 on this one. I so get her reason for doing it. One of those ends justifying the means kind of thing.

    Linda, I am so sorry that he did this. Like MeowBunny, I understand not being able to cope, but I can't wrap my brain around his not coming home like that.

    Gentle hugs.
  18. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I, for one, am proud of you and completely understand why you are doing things the way you are. Someone has to be the adult in this situation---and obviously he is not going to be one. No matter what happens to your marriage, you need to maintain a relationship with this man for kt and wm's sake. I know you are hurt, and you have put everyone else first for a long time, and I'm glad that once again you are doing what is right for your family. When husband was active in his addiction I did not like him very much, but I knew that he would be my children's father until the end of time, and I wanted to make sure that we could continue to parent together when he finally got himself straight. My mind and body screamed for revenge. I wanted to hurt him the same way he had hurt me and the kids. But, I didn't have time to play games. My mental health and the health and welfare of my children were more important to me than getting even. Yeah, sometimes people can be jerks. They don't do the right things and they cause pain to the people that they claim to love. But, that doesn't excuse responding in kind. Take the high road. While it may hurt right now and even though many will not understand your reasoning and will question your sanity, in the end, you will be glad you did.
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I totally understand why you are doing what you are to help him. He did a despicable thing, running out that way. BUT he is still kt's and wm's father. You spent a substantial part of your life with him.

    You are showing an amazing amount of grace - helping him though he does not deserve it, working to keep the tweedles on an even keel, and NOT yelling and screaming to all about what a jerk and a coward and an IDIOT he is.

    Yes, you vent to us. but I bet that kt and wm NEVER hear you say anything bad about him. It is no longer your job to listen to his troubles about addiction, rehab, whatever.

    You are setting up the apt so that he has NO excuse to come into your home and dump all of this garbage onto you.

    I am sorry it turned out this way. I truly wish that he was able to give you the support you need during this health crisis.

    Sending many gentle hugs. And I have a REALLY ugly end table that I can make even UGLIER if you want me to ship it to him.

    Give kt a hug for me too - and wm a cyber hug if he will accept one.
  20. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    There is a huge part of me that doesn't feel he deserves any help or sympathy. AND I have no sympathy for husband; however, like many of you caught on there's a bigger need to get him "settled" into his new apartment & working so he won't pop in here possibly drunk & with all his anger.

    At this point I need him to keep working & bringing in the money. He hasn't shut down or opened a new bank account to deposit his pay checks in. We are civil regarding the finances; as long as all the bills are covered at both residences I believe it will continue to be that way.

    We are dealing with a marriage counselor/mediator who is encouraging this along with continuing to treat each other with respect & dignity. The mediator is concerned with the tweedles mental health & our "marriage" issues shouldn't compound things.

    husband & I didn't make it out yesterday; kt was in overdrive. I never made it to GPs office though she filled my pain medications with-o seeing me. I see her the first week of January or "I'm toast".

    This just needs to be settled so we can move on & see where our little family relationship goes. How we can do the least amount of damage to one another or the children.

    Thank you all for the hugs support & wonderful suggestions. I'm hanging on by a thread & cannot wait for 3 this afternoon when kt leaves for respite. As wm's foster mum has pnemonia I cannot go to see him - she forbids that I enter the house & get sick as well. God bless her!