Beating my head against the wall...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Nov 13, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Arghhh.... ok just imagine me swearing a blue streak and banging my head against the wall in frustration!!!!

    I just got a call from the sober house. They caught my difficult child with a bag of spice (synthetic pot). This is what happened a year ago. I am so completely frustrated and of course we have been snowed with his need for extra money. We should have know! Darn it.

    The sober house folks are good people. They are pretty fed up but also want to support us and be on the same page with us. So they are taking him to the airport tomorrow to come back for the court date... then they will take him back Tuesday night... in other words they will give him another chance (otherwise we are stuck having him up here which is not good). But if there is another problem they are done and he will end up homeless. Better for him to be homeless down south this time of year than up here in the Northern regions!!

    We also will start giving the sober house person money for his groceries and he will budget it out for him. And yes spice is illegal there.... so who knows where he is getting it.

    I have a real bad feeling about all this and think there is a good chance he will come back, party with his friends, screw up in court and not go back..... in which case he will end up in jail or homeless here in the winter.

    I just need to keep saying the serentiy prayer 100 times a day the next couple of days.

    I cannot let this send me over the edge. I am so darned frustrated. What an idiot.... I mean really.

  2. AHF

    AHF Member

    So very sorry to hear this. I suspect you're right about his being home. Maybe it will give you a chance to make it clear to him that THEY are giving him this second chance; that YOU no longer have the wool pulled over your eyes. This is all so very tough going into the holidays.
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh no, I can imagine how you are feeling.

    Glad you are repeating the serenity prayer...

    I know if I were in your place right now, I would be re-living every conversation I'd had with difficult child - looking for holes and generally driving myself crazy with the what please don't do that.

    You have a plan - stick with it. Realistically, a few steps back is probably to be expected even though it must feel like a stab to the heart but it's not the end of the world. You mentioned in a past post that he was getting counseling as well - can you call the counselor tomorrow? Just to give them a heads up?

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    No, not an idiot. Just being a mom who is trying to be supportive. Chalk it up to another lesson learned and let it go.

    What is this spice stuff anyway? I keep hearing about it. I get that they can get high off it (obviously or why bother) but what IS it??
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I'm so sorry. We were told at an Al-Anon meeting that it usually took several relapses until it took. Hopefully, he will get back on the right track.

    I know how much it hurts. {{{hugs}}}

  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LOL I am not the idiot, he is!!!

    Spice is a combination of some leafy subtance similar to pot mixed with some chemicals. Not great stuff.

    There are all these people who want him to make it... why oh why does he have to continually sabatoge himself???

    He needs some serious therapy.....but unless he wants it and get it none of us can help him. I am resigned to that fact.

    And Signorina.... I am further along than this than you..... I have been in that very obsessive, think of nothing else place many times. I am going to try this time to continue to live my life in spite of him.... and I feel closer to being able to do that than ever before.

    Still it is very frustrating to try so hard to do our part in supporting him.

    The next couple of days will be interesting. It is going to be harder to see him now.

  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL I am not going to say anything right now except give you a cyber hug and send all the support I can that the next couple days go as planned and he gets back down there and faces his demons and begins serious work. You now know not to send him any money, and you have the proof to tell him why.

    difficult child got spice too, shortly after leaving rehab when a bunch of people she met there got together to attend the funeral of another resident friend of theirs that died from an heroin. There was a time when I thought sending her to rehab just introduced her to more oportunities to use.

    Does the sober house have to send a report to court for his hearing Tuesday?

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Seven relapses we were told!

  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your kind words. I cried myself to sleep last night and a getting a cold sore but I am OK this morning.

    What really bothers me is that he seems to have done this on his own so there is no one else egging him to do this. The sober house thinks this is part of him just being defiant and that is so much his MO. Really he always sabatoges himself that i think this is a sign of his underlying mental health issues.

    Somehow tonight i have to stay away from lecture mode and just see if i can guide him to share what is going on in his head. That is much easier said than done and is not our usual dynamic.

    It is absolutely crystal clear that any financial support we give him has to be via someone else. And we will only pay rent to a good sober house and we need to talk to them directly.

    He is taking such a risk....all the sober house has to do is talk to probation and he could go to jail.

  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Spice is nasty. Its another one of those things like Bath Salts. Be prepared for that one too. Sounds so harmless doesnt it? I was floored when I heard they were wanting to outlaw bath salts. What? Why cant I take a bath with bath salts anymore? LOL. I had no idea that some idiots were making something with the same name and selling it in little packets at the counter in gas stations. Kids were snorting it and getting high but also dying.

    Well, obviously, cash or debit cards arent going to work. Grocery store gift cards would be better. Cant get cash back on them. I know with a Walmart gift card they put the money back on it if you take a product back but not too sure about say a Bloom card or a Harris Teeter card. Definitely pay the sober house directly. No more cash in hand. Start pushing hard for a job. What is it that they say about idle hands? If nothing else, he needs to be volunteering enough hours someplace to make up for the amount of money you are sending him.

    I dont know...just thinking outloud. Trying to think about what I would do.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    So sorry to read this TL.... (((HUGS)))
  12. AHF

    AHF Member

    I've done gift cards for years. Works very well except of course they can always buy something for someone else with the gift card and have the person pay them and then they have cash. But that takes a different level of con artistry. You can also ask for receipts before you put more money on the gift card--teaches them to save receipts, not a bad practice.
  13. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Thinking of you....{{{hugs}}}
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thinking of you too.

  15. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    I'm so sorry, TL. My difficult child does the self-sabotage thing too. Over and over.
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope things are going OK.

  17. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I had never heard of spice before. Sending hugs to you. Hope he gets his act together and back on track.
  18. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh I feel confused!!! Picked my difficult child up from the airport tonight. He gave me a good hug and he looks good. Hes gained a bit of weight so now is about 160 (5' 11") which is good. At the worst point he was down to 120. His attitude seemed good, he felt sober to me... not just in the moment but in general. I asked him what he was doing tonight and he is getting together with a couple of friends... I made some comment about not getting in trouble and he agreed in a way that seems like he has thought about it. So I felt better about that too.

    I asked him about the spice and he gave me a story.... to be honest when I think about it not totally believable. I keep thinking of what someone said about how you know addicts are lying!!! So I really don't quite believe him and he is basically denying it.... he did say quite emphatically that he hadn't used anything and his clean date hasn't changed. He was convincing, but then he always is.

    A part of me feels bad that I always assume when someone tells me about something bad he has done I tend to believe them without question... and then I hear his side of the story and he is convincing and then I am not sure. Usually the truth is somewhere imbetween. There certainly have been many a time when he has not told me the whole truth.

    The thing is it is so hard to directly confront him when he is not admitting anything and in fact sounding convincing that he has kept his sobriety. So I end up feeling confused. I guess my gut instinct, from lots of experience is that he is lying at least to some extent.

    But he looks good, still seems to be planning to fly back tomorrow. He wants to change sober houses and his reasons are good ones that make sense. I did tell him that he needs to do it smoothly and have the current folks agree and he did not seem to have a problem with that.

    So we shall see what tomorrow will bring. Hopefully he will look good tomorrow and not look hung over!!!

  19. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    It's a bunch of steps forward - there will be hiccups and stumbles along the way and you are remaining cautious -for now he looks good,no alarm bells are screaming in your head, he hugged you...enjoy the moment - you've earned it.

  20. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Whew, one hurdle over. I'm crossing my fingers until I hear he is on the plane and arrives safely.

    To tell you the truth I really don't believe my difficult child much. I go by gut instinct and snooping around. I hope he's not changing sober houses because he thinks he can get away with more in the new one. But I know what you mean about feeling he is really sober. I feel that way about my difficult child lately too, although I could be dead wrong. There's nothing either of us can do about it though.