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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 671365" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Lil, you are doing what many of us have done. I think we can only do what we can live with, or the inverse---we can't not do it if we can't live with not doing it. </p><p></p><p>I so understand how we get involved. I do, because I did it over and over again.</p><p></p><p>For me, in my situation, I finally had to stop because it never worked. My help never translated into him grabbing the reins and taking it from there. It would just circle back to him wanting more and more and more help, and me sinking in the quicksand. The months and the years were passing, and I was sick with it all. I was miserable. I couldn't function because I was drowning and nothing. ever. changed. </p><p></p><p>He wasn't ready to stop taking drugs or do the things he needed to do to stop getting arrested, he just wanted me to help him while he still did those things. </p><p></p><p>Everybody's situation is a little different. I can't predict the outcome of this.</p><p></p><p>I can say this: If you get involved, and I know you are scared to, for yourself, and for him, and you have every right to be scared...and it goes south again, THEN you may be ready to do something different next time.</p><p></p><p>I know you love him so much and want so much for something good to come of this. And who knows? It might.</p><p></p><p>I think what we have to focus on mainly, here on this board, is the cost to YOU. The cost to ourselves. How do we hang on to our functionality and our sanity when we are dealing with DCs. That is the key question. </p><p></p><p>If you can set strong boundaries for you and for him, and emotionally stand back even while you are seeing him every day (which is super, super hard to do), remaining somewhat detached---not reacting, not getting engaged with all of the 100s of little details they throw at us---staying back and keeping it simple...</p><p></p><p>It's really hard to do if they aren't truly ready to change and start new habits. </p><p></p><p>You are going to do whatever you are going to do. He is going to do whatever he is going to do. </p><p></p><p>I think we play this out, until we just are completely sick and tired to the core of our very being, and then we are ready to stop. And then we have to learn how to stay stopped and that is where all of the support/tool box/daily work comes in. </p><p></p><p>Who knows Lil? Not a single one of us can say this won't or will work with certainty. If I were you, I would read my own self as well as I could and let that be my beacon. If you absolutely can't **not** do this, then go ahead and do it. If you can **do some things but not all things** (set boundaries and stick to them) then do that. It's in increments. Not a black and white, all or nothing thing.</p><p></p><p>I don't know if this makes any sense, what I am writing here. I hear in your post how afraid you are of becoming mired in the muck again, and I think that is a real and very valid fear.</p><p></p><p>What's the alternative, for you, right now? If there is one, and you can pursue that, then do it. Otherwise, it appears that you are engaged, and you will have to ride the horse until it wins the race or poops out.</p><p></p><p>I hope it wins, this time. </p><p></p><p>My heart is with you. I really do understand the strong pull and the fear.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 671365, member: 17542"] Lil, you are doing what many of us have done. I think we can only do what we can live with, or the inverse---we can't not do it if we can't live with not doing it. I so understand how we get involved. I do, because I did it over and over again. For me, in my situation, I finally had to stop because it never worked. My help never translated into him grabbing the reins and taking it from there. It would just circle back to him wanting more and more and more help, and me sinking in the quicksand. The months and the years were passing, and I was sick with it all. I was miserable. I couldn't function because I was drowning and nothing. ever. changed. He wasn't ready to stop taking drugs or do the things he needed to do to stop getting arrested, he just wanted me to help him while he still did those things. Everybody's situation is a little different. I can't predict the outcome of this. I can say this: If you get involved, and I know you are scared to, for yourself, and for him, and you have every right to be scared...and it goes south again, THEN you may be ready to do something different next time. I know you love him so much and want so much for something good to come of this. And who knows? It might. I think what we have to focus on mainly, here on this board, is the cost to YOU. The cost to ourselves. How do we hang on to our functionality and our sanity when we are dealing with DCs. That is the key question. If you can set strong boundaries for you and for him, and emotionally stand back even while you are seeing him every day (which is super, super hard to do), remaining somewhat detached---not reacting, not getting engaged with all of the 100s of little details they throw at us---staying back and keeping it simple... It's really hard to do if they aren't truly ready to change and start new habits. You are going to do whatever you are going to do. He is going to do whatever he is going to do. I think we play this out, until we just are completely sick and tired to the core of our very being, and then we are ready to stop. And then we have to learn how to stay stopped and that is where all of the support/tool box/daily work comes in. Who knows Lil? Not a single one of us can say this won't or will work with certainty. If I were you, I would read my own self as well as I could and let that be my beacon. If you absolutely can't **not** do this, then go ahead and do it. If you can **do some things but not all things** (set boundaries and stick to them) then do that. It's in increments. Not a black and white, all or nothing thing. I don't know if this makes any sense, what I am writing here. I hear in your post how afraid you are of becoming mired in the muck again, and I think that is a real and very valid fear. What's the alternative, for you, right now? If there is one, and you can pursue that, then do it. Otherwise, it appears that you are engaged, and you will have to ride the horse until it wins the race or poops out. I hope it wins, this time. My heart is with you. I really do understand the strong pull and the fear. [/QUOTE]
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