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Been a long time...difficult child still breaks my heart
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<blockquote data-quote="LoveSushi" data-source="post: 627203" data-attributes="member: 17587"><p>Thank you so much, Recovering, COM and Echo. Your words help more than I could ever say. Thank you for sharing and for offering me empathy and compassion.</p><p></p><p><strong>Recovering, you said:</strong><em> <span style="color: #0000b3">"For myself, I needed therapy. I also found a support group facilitated by a therapist where I met other parents dealing with troubled adult kids. I attended CoDa meetings, read a lot of books, continued with my acupuncture appointments which helped to relieve a lot of stress, cleaned up my diet even more, made sure I was exercising regularly, wrote on this board often...." </span> </em></p><p></p><p>Over the last two years, since my sister got so sick and then died, as well as my daughter with her antics, I have completely gotten out of hand with my self-care. I am an emotional eater and I soothe myself with food. I'm 40 lbs heavier than I was two years ago, but I'm now trying to get that back under control. I will call my therapist and make an appointment with her...I've got so much work to do. I stay busy with volunteering and with my career, and I have pretty much been ignoring the work I need to do on myself. Maybe on purpose. Maybe hoping that my time here on earth will end <span style="font-size: 12px">(hopefully quickly with me never knowing what hit me - HA)</span> and I won't have to deal with all of my own issues. I've been reading "When Parents Hurt"...there are some good things in there I can take away. But you should see all all the books I bought when my daughter first started getting awful, when was hoping and praying it was just a typical teenage girl phase, but now I believe that was when her Borderline (BPD) really kicked into gear (and probably when she started using too). Now they just gather dust. Maybe I'll get them all together and give them to my counselor, maybe she has clients who are dealing with the typical teenager and who can glean good stuff from them.</p><p></p><p><strong>COM, you said: </strong><em><span style="color: #0000b3">"He is a master manipulator and a consummate liar. He is a victim. Everybody has it out for him. Even the teachers in junior high had it out for him. When he does something wrong, it is never his fault. He is always innocent. He is a user. He is a taker. He is a drug addict, with everything---the habits, the faulty thinking and the behavior---that comes with being a drug addict."</span></em></p><p></p><p>This has been my daughter since birth. She was born with a severe bilateral cleft lip and palate, so she got lots of extra attention, and was given much more leeway as she was growing up than she should have gotten. I was so afraid that she would grow up being bullied and have horrible self esteem because of her scar (which you wouldn't even know today if you saw her...I made sure she got the absolute best care available to us and her plastic surgeon is a master). I wanted her to have all the things I didn't have as a child. I wanted to be a good mom, the kind of mom that I wish I would have had. I wanted her to be my beautiful princess child. But she has been a liar and manipulator and thief since her earliest days. She was born that way. Her father (my ex husband) is that way. Bad seed.</p><p></p><p><strong>Echo, you said:</strong> <span style="color: #0000b3">It will get worse and worse, and you can drown along with it...or you can move aside, after all has been tried, and use that energy to be whole again, to start to contribute to the world and your other loved ones as you would want."</span></p><p><span style="color: #0000b3"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">I'm tired of drowning. I'm tired of the grief, the betrayal, the pain, the self-blaming and the guilt, I'm tired of the ANGER that I feel for her. I wish she would just move away, to a different town. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">We never should have let her come back to our town after I sent her an hour and a half away to live with her dad - to get her away from the druggies she had become "family" with. The boy she was "in loooove" with then is now dead...meth-induced car accident. Her dad didn't make her continue her mental health treatment (though she had been diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), possibly Bipolar), he let her move in with some trash she met up there, then when she called me all hysterical because the trash had kicked her out, calling her a liar and thief, we went running to her rescue. Dumbest thing we've ever done was bring her back here. I told her she was welcome to stay here, but she had to go back to school, and be home by 10 pm on my work nights (so I wouldn't lay awake all night worrying about her). That was too much...she couch-surfed with friends for a couple months until she found and moved in with the tool who she is now married to. </span></p><p><span style="color: #000000"></span></p><p><span style="color: #000000">Anyway, it does help to write it out...to process...though I've deleted a lot more than I'm actually posting. My fingers can't keep up with everything that's flying around in my head. Guilt - Shame - Blame - Anger - Grief - Regret - Loathing - Love It's all just so much to feel all at the same time.</span></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LoveSushi, post: 627203, member: 17587"] Thank you so much, Recovering, COM and Echo. Your words help more than I could ever say. Thank you for sharing and for offering me empathy and compassion. [B]Recovering, you said:[/B][I] [COLOR=#0000b3]"For myself, I needed therapy. I also found a support group facilitated by a therapist where I met other parents dealing with troubled adult kids. I attended CoDa meetings, read a lot of books, continued with my acupuncture appointments which helped to relieve a lot of stress, cleaned up my diet even more, made sure I was exercising regularly, wrote on this board often...." [/COLOR] [/I] Over the last two years, since my sister got so sick and then died, as well as my daughter with her antics, I have completely gotten out of hand with my self-care. I am an emotional eater and I soothe myself with food. I'm 40 lbs heavier than I was two years ago, but I'm now trying to get that back under control. I will call my therapist and make an appointment with her...I've got so much work to do. I stay busy with volunteering and with my career, and I have pretty much been ignoring the work I need to do on myself. Maybe on purpose. Maybe hoping that my time here on earth will end [SIZE=3](hopefully quickly with me never knowing what hit me - HA)[/SIZE] and I won't have to deal with all of my own issues. I've been reading "When Parents Hurt"...there are some good things in there I can take away. But you should see all all the books I bought when my daughter first started getting awful, when was hoping and praying it was just a typical teenage girl phase, but now I believe that was when her Borderline (BPD) really kicked into gear (and probably when she started using too). Now they just gather dust. Maybe I'll get them all together and give them to my counselor, maybe she has clients who are dealing with the typical teenager and who can glean good stuff from them. [B]COM, you said: [/B][I][COLOR=#0000b3]"He is a master manipulator and a consummate liar. He is a victim. Everybody has it out for him. Even the teachers in junior high had it out for him. When he does something wrong, it is never his fault. He is always innocent. He is a user. He is a taker. He is a drug addict, with everything---the habits, the faulty thinking and the behavior---that comes with being a drug addict."[/COLOR][/I] This has been my daughter since birth. She was born with a severe bilateral cleft lip and palate, so she got lots of extra attention, and was given much more leeway as she was growing up than she should have gotten. I was so afraid that she would grow up being bullied and have horrible self esteem because of her scar (which you wouldn't even know today if you saw her...I made sure she got the absolute best care available to us and her plastic surgeon is a master). I wanted her to have all the things I didn't have as a child. I wanted to be a good mom, the kind of mom that I wish I would have had. I wanted her to be my beautiful princess child. But she has been a liar and manipulator and thief since her earliest days. She was born that way. Her father (my ex husband) is that way. Bad seed. [B]Echo, you said:[/B] [COLOR=#0000b3]It will get worse and worse, and you can drown along with it...or you can move aside, after all has been tried, and use that energy to be whole again, to start to contribute to the world and your other loved ones as you would want." [/COLOR] [COLOR=#000000]I'm tired of drowning. I'm tired of the grief, the betrayal, the pain, the self-blaming and the guilt, I'm tired of the ANGER that I feel for her. I wish she would just move away, to a different town. We never should have let her come back to our town after I sent her an hour and a half away to live with her dad - to get her away from the druggies she had become "family" with. The boy she was "in loooove" with then is now dead...meth-induced car accident. Her dad didn't make her continue her mental health treatment (though she had been diagnosed with Borderline (BPD), possibly Bipolar), he let her move in with some trash she met up there, then when she called me all hysterical because the trash had kicked her out, calling her a liar and thief, we went running to her rescue. Dumbest thing we've ever done was bring her back here. I told her she was welcome to stay here, but she had to go back to school, and be home by 10 pm on my work nights (so I wouldn't lay awake all night worrying about her). That was too much...she couch-surfed with friends for a couple months until she found and moved in with the tool who she is now married to. Anyway, it does help to write it out...to process...though I've deleted a lot more than I'm actually posting. My fingers can't keep up with everything that's flying around in my head. Guilt - Shame - Blame - Anger - Grief - Regret - Loathing - Love It's all just so much to feel all at the same time.[/COLOR] [/QUOTE]
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