Been awhile since I've been here...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tracyf551, Sep 26, 2008.

  1. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    :confused:Hello all it's been awhile since I've posted and I'm not sure if any of you will remember me. Just back looking for some advise from those more expirenced.
    Well here we go... difficult child is 18, on drugs (not sure what), alcohol, stealing from us and has been put out of the house. He came home from the boys ranch in Nov 07, started school, quit in Feb 08 (just stopped going), has had 3 jobs since May (#1 quit after 1 day, #2 quit after 3 days,#3 walked out after 1 1/2 months because someone made him mad) In the last few months he has stolen numerous items from the house. The things we know of are---a number of nascar items totally about $600 to $700, 3 of his little brothers MP3 players, his little brothers school shoes after breaking the lock on our bedroom door, some of his older brothers clothes. There are probably many more things but I can't remember them all.
    This past Sunday after we discovered he broke into our bedroom and found the shoes gone his older brother confronted him and we had the biggest blow up ever. My oldest I guess just couldn't take it anymore and a fight broke out. difficult child denied taking anything, but he is the only one who could have. He is lying constantly!!! He lies to my face when I've already checked things out before hand. And when I catch him his lies he gets mad because he can't think fast enough to save himself.
    I've told him he cannot live here anymore and put his things out on the porch. I have not seen him or talked to him in a week. I believe he is staying at a "friends" uncles house. This is the same friend he knows is bad news but can't stay away from.
    My question, how do you help someone who won't help himself????
    Sorry this is so long and I hope someone can give me some advise. thank you for any help.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Hi Tracy and Welcome Back.

    You probably know the answer already.

    You can't.

    difficult child is 18. You can't do a single thing to help him if he doesn't want the help. The day he turned 18 your hands were tied. You are no longer responsible for the things he does. (which is a good thing) But also you can no longer force him to do anything.

    It stinks. But that's the way it is.

    I'd say your response to his current behavior was perfect. I know you're worrying about him, but these kids are far more resourceful than we give them credit for. (like the friend's uncles house)

    I'm sorry you're having to go thru this with difficult child.

  3. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Tracy, Lisa is right. There isn't a darn thing you can do to change someone else. Hopefully participating in the school of hard knocks will help your difficult child grow up. In the meantime, try to enjoy the peace.....and change the locks on your house ;) .

    I'm sorry for your heartbreak.

  4. judi

    judi Active Member

    Agree - there is little to do. I wish you peace.
  5. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Ditto. You can't change him. Change will come when he wants it, and no one else. The only thing to do is hands off and maybe reality will catch up and make him realize what needs to change a little sooner than otherwise.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think you need support while going through this. I would join Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Both are very helpful and can give you both strength and much needed understanding. I know how hard this is, but you can't help him if he doesn't want to change. And you have to think of your other kids.
  7. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm sorry this has been happening and hope you had a peaceful weekend. With everything your difficult child has been doing in your home, at least he is elsewhere now. As the others here have said, you can't help someone who won't help himself. He will have to decide, at some point, that he doesn't want to live the way he is now. You can let him know that you will support any good decisions he makes, such as going into rehab, but that there is no support for his destructive choices.

    You're doing great so far. Enjoy the peace, give your attention to your other children, and carry on. I notice that your second easy child 'doesn't understand why things continue the way they are'. When life is all about the difficult child, as seems to happen with most of us, our other children lose out on our attention, and they become traumatized from the situation and from loss of access to us. They can become extremely angry, reasonably so. You have a chance now to attend to your PCs' needs. Enjoy! And go to Al-Anon or similar group meetings (parents' anonymous, Tough Love, etc.) for support, as well as the support you'll find here. :)
  8. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    You know the mantra - the only person we can change is our own self. The only thing you can do is love him, pray for him and let him experience the consequences of his poor choices. It's called tough love. It is soooo hard.

    Come here - post often for support. We hear you.
  9. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Another vote for Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. I'd also get the at-home siblings involved in it. They probably could use the understanding and support, too.

    As for him, sadly, all you can do is worry. It takes time, but you will reach a point where you will be able to look around the house and not regret his choices. You will be able to accept that he is doing what he wants and until he is ready to change all you can do is let him live his life his way -- just not at your home nor around your family. You and they deserve better.
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It is SO hard to be forced into that corner where you kick your own child out. Everyone has given good advice here ... do find yourself a support group. Hugs.
  11. tracyf551

    tracyf551 New Member

    Thank you all for your thoughts. It's been over 2 weeks and I have seen difficult child 1 time. He showed up at my door at 2am Friday morning "to talk". What it was he had no place to sleep and needed someplace to go.
    Yes I did the wrong thing and let him stay. BUT-----I told him he could stay until I left for work at 7am then he had to leave. I told him he was not aloud to be in the house without me or husband home. So I woke him at 6:15 to start getting his self together. I locked the doors and windows and left him on the porch putting on his shoes. I also told him he cannot come here at that time of morning anymore. I told him if he wants to "talk" he needs to come by in the daylight hours.
    I have made up my mind the only way he can come home is if he goes to treatment first. He cannot come right off the street and back into the house.
    Again thanks for the input from all.
  12. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I am so sorry you have to go through this. You did the right thing after doing the "wrong" thing and I think you did very well. Okay, you let him stay one night, now you know that isn't happening again. You are doing a great job in awful conditions!