Beginning of the end?

[Mikey]

Well, it finally happened. The "big showdown".

McWeedy took off into to the giant maw of the night, ne'er to be heard from until he strolled in after midnight (on a school night). In the immortal words of Paul Harvey, "now, for the REST of the story".

When McWeedy left, wife told him to be home at 10. He complained that HS was out for the next two days, but wife reminded him that he was also in college, and had classes at 8am the next morning. He gave her his best "You godda be kiddin me" look, then left the house with his friend without another word.

Typical McWeedy ODD drill: disappear, don't answer your phone, bust curfew, repeat in a few days. Only this time, wife said she was tired of McW "walking all over her, hurting her, etc..". I said "okay, he's already lost his phone for not answering. If he's not home by 10:30, and we haven't heard from him, I'm locking the door". wife says "okay".

So, 10:30 rolls around, no McWeedy, no phone calls, nadda. So I lock up his car and the van, pack up a couple of pillows/blankets/sleeping bags, throw them in my junker car, and leave a note on the door saying he could sleep in the car tonight, and that I'd unlock the door at 6:30 the next morning. And if he tried to break in, we'd call the police". I then shut off his phone, locked up the house, and went to bed.

About quarter 'till 12, wife gets up and starts pacing around, finally goes down to watch TV. About 12:15am, I hear the door open and her asking McW "where are you going?" (I assume he came to the door, read the note, and turned around to leave). Next thing I know, wife opens the door and lets McW in the house, and they go into the living room for a long, quiet talk (i.e. so I don't hear). I go down once or twice to follow up on my pledge: took his phone away for good, and told him he needed to find somewhere else to live. Then went back to bed with the both of them staring laser-beam holes through my back as I left.

Around 1am, wife comes stomping up the stairs, puts McW to bed in his room, then strolls in and informs me that McW got arrested again, this time for shoplifting. Now I know where the new shoes, shirts, etc. have been coming from, and I don't mean "borrowing them from his friends", which is his favorite excuse. I always wondered why they never seem to want their brand new stuff back, though. Do I really look that stupid to him? ARGH!!!


He has a court date, but he won't make it there because his PO will probably violate him and revoke his diversion long before then. Sadly, I'm betting that he'll see several months of jail time because of this. Had he been violated for smoking dope or drinking while on drug diversion, he MIGHT have been able to go to county rehab, then halfway house, then back into diversion or probation.

But after this stupid stunt? My guess is the judge and prosecutor will probably lower the boom on him to try and make a point about how "civilized society" treats teen malcontents - especially ones that deliberately flaunt the rules and dare anyone to catch them. Even more sadly, they'll do it as a last-ditch effort to give him a taste of "what's to come" if he doesn't start acting like a reasonably competent adult.

I guess I should have expected this. I guess I did, just not this soon. I can't even say that I'm scared, or worried, or even sad - is that a good thing? I'm not happy about it, either, but wife doesn't see it that way. Whomever told me to not bank much on wife finally "coming around" was right.

Somehow, this is now all my fault in her eyes, and she's right back in full mommy defense mode, complete with the two page "I know you can pull through this, I'll do ANYTHING to help you...." letter she left on his pillow after he went to sleep.

To borrow a quote from the PSST post by Ant'sMom: "I was still trying to hold his life together and minimize the damage his drug use was causing. I still believed that he was not an addict. That he would work through this experiment of his, recapture his life, and we would all live happily ever after as it was supposed to be."

Sounds JUST like my beloved wife

And finally, just to make the day complete, I found a text message on his phone telling Weedette that he was failing every one of his college classes. Wow, I never saw THAT one coming, either.....

Ugh. After the last big blow-up, I told McWeedy that this would either be the beginning of the end, or a new beginning to a better life. But either way, it would be his choice - and if he chose wrong, he shouldn't expect ANY support from me other than my love and best wishes. Guess he made his choice, and if wife hadn't intervened, McW would have found out how serious I truly was.

I may have to wait on the whole "find another place to live" thing, though. I meant it when I said it, and I also meant it when I told wife that SHE had a choice to make as well; just as I wasn't going to support McW's destructive choices any more, I wasn't going to abide her support of those choices, either. He hurts her again and again and again, and she just lets it keep coming. I won't watch McW destroy himself, nor will I watch wife let McW repeatedly hurt her (and forbid me to put a stop to it) anymore.

But, the point may be moot; The county may give McW alternate living arrangements in the near future, so I'll wait to see what happens before pushing the button. But even if he goes to jail, then to whatever, I'll still have to deal with wife and her misplaced anger after he's gone. And after last night, that may be the worst thing yet in this pathetic drama.



Updates later, as they happen.

Mikey

PS: once this final episode is over, I'll probably move over to PE (assuming I'm not living in a padded room of my own by then).

 

[DammitJanet]

Mikey...sorry for you guys but oh so not surprised by this progression.

I know what you mean about how you feel. I think I shocked a cop speechless one day when he came to the house about something Cory had done and I was like..."ok, and you want me to do what about it? Do with him what you want, I am so done worrying about him but if you find him, please bring my phone home for me would you?" The cop looked at me like I had two heads because I wasnt all upset my "widdle" boy was in trouble...gag me! Maybe the first two or three times I was all in a dither but by now...its old hat.

I wouldnt stake my life on them doing a whole lot to McW though. Now I know it depends on where you live...and I seem to live in some time warp...but Cory has been on probation for gosh I dont know...and he hasnt abided by one darn bit of it and been arrested for the same thing...and never violated, never nothing. Supposedly he had/has 245 days hanging over him but I think his probation is up soon...lol. Of course by then he will be in superior court for felony charges.

 

[DDD]

As you know, there is not an answer for this sad situation. We have lived the slow disintegration scene (minus the disrespect shown at home, thank God). It is an American tragedy. No matter which course he chooses, every member of your family will never be the same. Focus on your own health (mental and physical) so you will be able to render the best support to your wife and the other kids. Hugs. DDD

PS: You have mentioned a couple of times that you are ADHD and that it effects your memory. Many adults take ADHD medication and find that they function much more efficiently. Have you tried it?

 

[Mikey]

You have mentioned a couple of times that you are ADHD and that it effects your memory. Many adults take ADHD medication and find that they function much more efficiently. Have you tried it?

Yeahyoubetcha.

I've tried them all, but the only thing that works well is Ritalin. Everything else damages or disrupts some part of my body (or my moods). Ritalin LA (with an afternoon "booster" of plain 'ole generic Ritalin) works best, but is also the most expensive (even with insurance). It also comes with some stomach issues.

For now, I'm on Focalin, which is a derivative of Ritalin. Works pretty well, I take it twice a day, and is now available as a generic (yay!!) Helps a lot with focus, but not as well with memory issues. Of course, the four hours of sleep I get a night because of Mighty McWeedy may have something to do with my memory problems, too

Mikey

 

[everywoman]

Mikey---I think, that sadly, this is just the end of the beginning of your story. wife may never give up on McWeedy. She will be like many parents I have seen, and he will **** her dry until her death. He will use and abuse her love, and she will give in over and over. I know you will not take any action....you are as stuck as she is in this situation...but please take note---his choices are his, her choices are hers, and you can only own your own choices. That's all you are responsible for----

The truth is that most law enforcement agencies----withstanding the ones that 3D talks about in her posts----don't really do anything to "our" kids. Most of them get a slap on the wrist. Over and over again. Unless they do something really big....
difficult child has been arrested 5 times since he was 14.
1st arrest--- trespassing in a historical site---- juviniel diversion.
2nd arrest---bashing mailboxes----------------1 year probation
3rd arrest---stealing and pawning my jewelry....PTI
4th arrest---felony forgery---------------------1 year probabtion
5th arrest----minor in possession of alcohol------3 month suspension
He has not learned anything from any form of punishment dealt out by law enforcement. He has violated probation numerous times and not had a single thing done to him. He even didn't show for a meeting and told his PO that he didn't because he would have a dirty test. She didn't vioalate him.

difficult child moved out in January. It was the first time he voluntarily left out home. We had thrown him out 3 times before. This time there is no guilt about his leaving. He is going to school---it is not my problem whether he passes or not---I'm not paying for it. He is paying for his own living expenses---with some assistance from us if he "needs" it. He is still the same kid. He may never change. I had to change the way I viewed him or I would have lost him forever. I disliked him and his choices so much. I took them as an afront to everything I had taught him. I was much too involved in who he was. Detachment helps with that. I now can love him without liking his choices. I can see the good parts of him again. I can choose to let go of his flaws and let him own them.

husband and I aren't always on the same page. But his relationship with difficult child is his....I have my relationship with difficult child. We are both his parents, but we are seperate people. Everyone brings with them into their relationships their own biases. I can't expect husband and I to feel the same about every issue that arises. But...he respects my feelings and I respect his. We don't cast blame on each other. in my humble opinion that is the only way for a marriage to survive a difficult child.

 

[janebrain]

Hi Mikey,
I am not surprised but feel bad for you. One thing I would say though is to try to keep out of difficult child and wife's relationship. I have never appreciated my husband trying to "protect" me from my own kids. It only makes me come more to their defense. Your wife is not going to appreciate you trying to keep difficult child from hurting her. Treat her like the adult she is--you cannot protect her from her own son and she should not feel like she has to choose between the two of you. If she is going to come around to your viewpoint it will have to be in her own time and on her own--I think if you try to force it you will just delay it. The way I see it you sort of have her cornered right now.

The letter sounds yucky--I know how frustrated you must feel. She is not helping him at all by her "support"--I'm sure he is able to manipulate her very well. We moms have an overwhelming need to take care of our children even when that is the last thing they need. So sad.

Hugs,
Jane

 

[BusynMember]

I think janebrain gave fantastic advice! If I think about it, I'd be really ticked off if hub tried to tell me how to deal with my child, even if he thought that child was abusing me. Your son will suffer natural consequences. wife can't protect him from himself. Eventually, he'll probably end up in jail if he doesn't stop the drug use. I think he's probably doing a lot more than just smoking pot. That's what I thought my daughter was doing--and nothing else. I thought it until she told me otherwise. Heavy pot users rarely don't take anything else. Regardless, he's getting himself into trouble after people have given him breaks. He's an adult now and he has to play with the big boys. I don't think anyone will cut him breaks anymore. Yes, they try to go easy on minors, but he's not a minor anymore. When my daughter turned 18, she noticed a big difference in how she was treated. It partly helped her decide to quit the garbage she was using. Maybe it will be a good thing, you never know. At the very least, McW will see that he isn't special and won't get a free ride. Good luck!

 

[Mikey]

Jane/MWM: VERY personal reply, but here goes...

...One thing I would say though is to try to keep out of difficult child and wife's relationship. I have never appreciated my husband trying to "protect" me from my own kids. It only makes me come more to their defense. Your wife is not going to appreciate you trying to keep difficult child from hurting her. Treat her like the adult she is--you cannot protect her from her own son and she should not feel like she has to choose between the two of you...

I understand what you're saying, and normally I would agree. But there's a history between me and wife, and it's partially my fault. Years ago, during a particularly bad stretch, wife used me as a verbal and emotional punching bag for months. I "kind of" understood, for a while, but eventually stood up and said that I'd had enough.

Her reply? "Whom else can I talk to about this?".. then, yelling, "HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DEAL WITH THIS EVERY DAY???"

I backed down, and set the stage for a bad cycle of letting wife take her frustrations and anger out on me.

The reason I say that is because of what you said in your post. Yes, I love her very much. Yes, I'm sick of watching my own son treat her so poorly. Yes, I'm tired of watching the cycle endlessly repeat like a bad sitcom on TVLand.

But more than that, I'm tired of her taking her anger and frustrations about McW out on me, and then getting angry and defensive when I try to do something about it. Or, worse yet, she now cycles between that behavior and what I call "the icebox", i.e. completely freezing me out emotionally during those bad times (as opposed to "the flamethrower", which is what I've come to expect).

Both are bad, bad juju for Mikey.

When this whole thing first started a year or two ago and McWeedy starting acting out, it was wife who was threatening every day to kick him out, and it was me trying to "keep the peace". I guess that worked okay as long as she was the one getting angry and doing the yelling. Once I came around, stopped acting stupid and saw that he was getting worse, and actually started agreeing with her and putting the pressure on him as well, it was like a switch went off and I suddenly became the bad guy.

Now, when wife gets mad, upset, frustrated, hurt, and betrayed repeatedly by McWeedy, I either get the flamethrower or the icebox (regardless of how hard I try to help, or understand). And I'm just supposed to stand there and take it. Even though I agree with her, even though I'm probably angrier than she is, I'm supposed to be the strong one and just take it....

And say nothing.

And do nothing.

So, I understand and empathize with your statement. I love my wife, and I think I understand the whole detachment thing that everyone suggests. But right now, detaching from McWeedy might also mean detaching from wife. I've already raised that spectre with wife, and am paying the price for it.

It's stupid, I know. But I felt you deserved an explanation for why I'm responding the way I am. If anyone can suggest an alternate path that isolates us from McWeedy's rampages yet preserves a meaningful relationship with wife, I'm all ears....

Otherwise, the only thing I'm left with is talk therapy here with my friends, people who understand me (and aren't afraid to continue beating me with wet noodles and prayer beads until I get a clue...)

Mikey

 

[meowbunny]

Mikey, you have a clue. Heck, you have the answers -- they just aren't answers you like. Can't say as I blame you. Quite honestly, I'd love to shake your wife until some sense gets in somewhere but I can't and you won't. It sounds like you set the stage a long time ago when you allowed yourself to become her emotional and verbal punching bag. So, you're going to have to do what is right for you. I hope I'm wrong, but I think the ultimate outcome will be decided by your wife and it won't be in your favor.

McWeedy might get some real consequences from the courts, but I doubt it. In the grand scheme of things, his crimes are petty and it is expensive to jail someone. More than likely, they'll just continue his probation.

As was said, the odds that he's only using pot is highly unlikely. I hope and pray that his usage doesn't cause serious physical harm. I'm sure you do, too.

So, no advice, just some gentle hugs. You've been through this wringer several times. You know the routine and the dance. Good luck.

 

[gottaloveem]

Oh Mikey,
Your boy is one tough nut to crack. I'm sorry for all the stress and strain his antics are putting on the family and your marriage. I will continue to cross my fingers that your wife comes around.

I agree with the others that more than likely he is doing hard drugs. My red flag waves wildly when I read about the stealing,(although, the things he steals he wears) usually, if it was for drugs, he would've stolen something he could sell for money. The attitudes I have read about previously,not to mention flunking out of every class. Throw in the fact he stays out all night (too high to come home?) My hard drug radar is up and running. His defiance is just way over the top. His arrogance too. He is on probation and now he is going to start stealing? I wonder why a kid with so much going for him,makes such dreadful decisions.( a question I ask about Alex everyday) Is it the addict in them???? I guess pot alone could do it, but I wouldn't be surprised if you find out one day he is on to something else. It's like he keeps on testing fate. I wish he wouldn't do that. I would love to talk to him but I know he wouldn't listen. He would just listen to me thinking the whole time "that won't happen to me" Yep, even if I told him that my sons horrible decisions cost him his life. It probably still wont have an impact on him.

Sadly the only person with the power to change McWeedy, is McWeedy himself. Even if your wife turns tough and throws him out, it is up to your son to make the right decisions. Your between a rock and a hard place. I would let your wife handle all legal issues regarding this next court date, in fact, let her handle it all.

I wish I had the magic advice, It's so sad watching our kids self-destruct before our very eyes. I would be willing to share our story with your wife or your son, if they will talk to me.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you all.

Lia

 

[Mikey]

re: McWeedy and the hard stuff....

Not happening right now, I'm certain of that. He has to do random UI's as part of diversion, and he's really mad that he got a color that gets called more frequently (I think I had something to do with that, due to my conversations with the prosecutors where I begged them not to go easy on him).

I know for a fact that if he dropped dirty they'd violate him within 24 hours. I know this because his PO told me that he had three revocation hearings scheduled that day because of failed UI's. When I asked what would happen, he said it would be up to the DA, but most likely would be (a) rehab, then (b) halfway house, then (c) several years probation, then (d) permanent criminal record.

Of course, if he showed his arse during the proceedings and ticked them off, they could always go with "plan B", which is 6-8 months in county jail, followed by the four items above. In fact, one of the more aggressive prosecutors suggested that "a few months in the concrete hotel" might be just the thing an arrogant, disrespectful teen like McButtHead needs.

So, it could go either way. But since I haven't gotten any collect calls from the jail (yet), I can only assume that he's dropping clean on his UI's. And, since he's tested at LEAST once per week, I don't think he'd do anything that could be picked up on a 32-panel UI taken by a lab tech.

However, that fear hasn't bled over into other areas. It hasen't stopped him from drinking (a diversion violation), it hasn't stopped his kleptomania (definitely a diversion violation), and it hasn't improved his appreciation for a family that supports him despite his repeated attempts at using a double-barrel on his feet (and ours, and anybody else unlucky enough to be around at the time). Heck, he's even graduated to group fights - two in the last week, but according to him "he was just trying to break it up". Yeah, right, and I still have some prime beachfront property for sale in southern Louisiana that's worth a fortune...

Unfortunately, BBK in a past post described a "dry drunk", and that's McWeedy to a tee. He has the same friends, does the same things, goes to the same places, and acts the same as when he was a full-time stoner; only , he's not stoned. Occasionally drunk, but not stoned. However, he might as well be sucking on a hookah because he's still living every other aspect of that life vicariously through his friends, sans the drugs. When diversion is over, he can step right back in and not miss a beat.

That's what I think will happen, unless a conversion rivaling that of Saul on the road to Damascus occurs. No indication of that happening, in fact without the drugs he's amplifying the other acting out to compensate. So, even if he successfully "completes" diversion I hold little hope for any kind of recovery at all. Not in his present state of mind, anyway.

But maybe, just maybe, this time around McNuttJob will get the hard-arse prosecutor who wanted to give him a reason to change. If that happens, I don't know if it will make a difference. But only a fool keeps doing the same thing and expects to get different results. I am unable to change anything else at home regarding McLeechy's continued drain on our family. I hope that some outside entity will provide the "opportunity for change" that has so far eluded me.

Per his diversion agreement, he must notify his PO in writing within 72 hours of any infraction greater than being let off with a warning for an illegal u-turn. That clock runs out tomorrow, so I expect that the fun stuff will start next week, if at all.

I'll let you good folks know what's going on as I find out. I wouldn't dream of denying the readers the next installment of this dime-store, serial drama.

Mikey

 

[Mikey]

Against my will, wife let McWeedy take his car and his little mushy-wushy-bushy our for a Valentines day dinner. Only, his car is supposed to stay parked except for school and work until he gets caught up on his bills (he's two months behind).

No worries, mate. "He said he'd be home by curfew, and it's Valentine's day, Mike".

"Yeah, what did he get for you, wife?"

"Just let the kid go. He PROMISED he'd be home on time, and I believe him".

Shocker, here it is, 12:30am, McButthead isn't home, the car isn't here, he hasn't answered his phone for HOURS, and wife is asleep - leaving me to wait up for the little demon.

I don't even know what to say. Yet ANOTHER slap in wife's face, and I know tomorrow she'll just brush it off and yell at me if I make any bones about it.

Well, if I'm going to get in trouble, I might as well make it worth my while. I'm locking the door and shutting off his phone again.

Anybody have a spare room I can rent? Cheap?


Mikey

 

[meowbunny]

I think wife had the right idea -- go to bed and get some sleep. Not sure why you bothered staying up. There's not much you can do, right?

Sorry, dude, but I do have some advice this time around. GIVE. IT. UP!!! You're not allowed to parent Mr. Triangulator, so quit trying. Step back, wayyyyy back. Close your eyes, put on your headphones, run around the block, take Dancer for some ice cream, do something with Sarge. Do this each and every time you get the urge to be a daddy to McPunk. If wife starts to vent about his behavior, tell her that there's nothing you can do, she won't let you and then go about your world. Be a husband in everything but things that concern McSelfishBrat. Then, step back. GIVE. IT. UP. (Yes, you can say this through clenched teeth when it gets too hard. Make it your mantra.)

Mike, GIVE. IT. UP.

 

[mstang67chic]

Anybody have a spare room I can rent? Cheap?


Mikey

My difficult child turns 18 in a few weeks and I'm pretty sure will not be following the house rules. Chances are his room will be free, however, you will need to:
A. provide your own bed as difficult child destroyed his
B. patch some holes in the walls
C. fumigate and air it out as his laundry hasn't all been clean in years and
there is a very distinct and unpleasant oder in there


As for waiting up for the demon child......dude....go to bed. You have left it to wife now. Let her deal with it. If she starts to vent and take it out on you, take some ideas from the CD detachment list. "I'm sorry you feel that way hon. Let me know when you figure it out." Then walk away. From what you've said, she's going to get mad at you no matter what so you might as well give her the control that she says she wants.

You're in my thoughts.

 

[janebrain]

I so agree with MeowBunny!!!! It is beyond time to give it up! As she said, you are not allowed to parent McWeedy so stop trying already!

My husband also set a bad precedent with his 1st wife--she got to vent and scream and use him as her punching bag and he tried to do everything to please her. Guess what? Impossible. One night, out of the blue, she told him she couldn't be his wife anymore and that was the end of the marriage. She has since remarried--a guy who doesn't let her dominate him. I think you are doing everything you can to hang on to wife--we women really don't like men who let us push them around too much. Your wife gets mad at son and decides to get tough. You try to act on it but she changes her mind and who is she mad at now? You! You try to step aside and let her handle things and that makes her mad, you aren't being supportive. You cannot win! You cannot control wife and you cannot save your marriage by constantly trying to figure out what she wants you to do because she changes her mind all the time. She really needs you to set boundaries and be strong. You need to decide what you need to do and stick to it and be a stable, strong presence in that household--someone people can rely on to stand strong no matter what happens and no matter how angry they may feel. You are so afraid of losing wife that you will do anything to prevent it but I think if you can decide you will do what you feel is right regardless of whether you lose her or not you have a better chance of keeping her! She needs to be able to feel respect for you--she can't do that if you are afraid of making her upset or angry.

I hope I made some sense--I know what I am trying to say but have a hard time expressing it. I so strongly feel that if you can truly step back and just be there--not trying to catch McWeedy doing the wrong thing, not waiting up for him, being patient, waiting for the natural consequences to happen, and above all, let wife handle him the way she wants to without stepping in the middle, you will be at least a little better off!

Thinking of you,
Jane

 

[nvts]

Mikey: To quote some truly brilliant, outragious philosophers:

"RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!" thank you Monty Python and the Holy Grail (the man-eating rabbit scene).

Listen: you have to detach. Just as the others said "you're not being allowed to be a parent to McWeedy nor a husband to McWifey." Spoil Sarge and Dancer. Revel in the joy that is them. Teach them that being responsible, respectable, respectFUL, people gets attention, love and appreciating.

If wife comes around - great! If not, you're still entitled to a life with happiness, love and appreciation from 2 kids that love and respect you. You're going to have to check out whether or not "The Prodigal Son" parable works.

Refuse to pay for the phone, pull the starter out of his car and screw him. If wife wants to do it, he can go buy himself a rechargable cell phone at the drug store and if she can figure out how to fix the car great! If not, you're not fixing it NOR are you agreeing to pay for the repair.

Good luck kiddo!

Beth

 

[trinityroyal]

Mikey,

Meowbunny and Jane are giving you excellent advice.
Right now, nothing you do or say with regard to McWeedy is winning you any points, either with him or with wife. So you need to Step Away.

Jane is right. Many women (myself included) need our man to be strong, and that includes being strong with us when we're being unreasonable. At some level, I think your wife is trying to push you hard enough that you push back and draw the line that she's afraid to draw. wife realizes that supporting McWeedy is enabling him, but she just isn't at a place where she's ready to stop.

She's undermining all of your efforts, and getting frustrated with you when you try and support her, because she's not really ready to take that step. So...as Meow said, you need to back off and let her deal with it.

Don't forget...detach doesn't mean abandon. It means that you're there to love, but you're not there to make someone else's problems your own. McWeedy's problems are his, and your wife's problems are hers. So far, your efforts to take on and fix their problems haven't gotten you very far. If you're going to get grief for it anyway, at least let it be on your terms.

I also wonder...given all the McWeedy-and-wife stress and strife that's going on in your house right now, how is Dancer faring? Maybe you should focus your attention on her right now, and leave McWeedy and wife to play out the situation on their terms.

Trinity

 

[Mikey]

"RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!" thank you Monty Python and the Holy Grail (the man-eating rabbit scene).

That HAS to be the best (and most quoted) Monty Python gag line ever. One of my favorites...

Oh, I love the scene where they finally get rid of the annoying Sir Robin, too. I have a few Sir Robins that I wish would find a similar fate.

Refuse to pay for the phone, pull the starter out of his car and screw him. If wife wants to do it, he can go buy himself a rechargable cell phone at the drug store and if she can figure out how to fix the car great! If not, you're not fixing it NOR are you agreeing to pay for the repair.

Thanks, Beth. That's my plan, even though it will stoke the firestorm at home. At this point, I don't feel obligated to provide ANY support to him at all. I've already cancelled his phone. If I could find his car, I'd lock it in the garage and pull the battery and alternator out of it.

More importantly, I'm speaking with both the Prosecutor and his Diversion Officer this afternoon. In the beginning, I agreed to pay for his diversion fees, drug testing fees, and drug counselling fees if he would agree to take it seriuosly and make an effort. Well, that lasted about as long as it took for the ink to dry on the diversion agreement.

....So, I'm informing them that I will NOT make the second and final supervision payment for diversion (400 bucks), nor will I be paying for any more drug tests. They need to make arrangements directly with him for those payments from now on. I'm also checking with my insurance to see if I can force McWeedy to be legally responsible for all out-of-pocket expenses that my policy doesn't pay for. I can't just drop him from my insurance policy (wife would kick me out for sure), but if I can find a way to make him pay the balance, then I will.

Like I said, this will bring the firestorm. But I'm starting to think it was coming, anyway. Most likely, wife will try to find a way to pay for the things that I refuse to pay for, and that's when the true test begins. But Gen. Patton won most of his battles by starting (and finishing) them on his own terms, not the enemy's. I'm not saying that wife is the enemy, but this is surely a battle. Only, if I win, I win by keeping most (or all) of my family together. Doing nothing will lose my family; Dancer is already suffering and Sarge is withdrawing into his pre-medication chrysalis for the next few years, so, what do I have to lose?

Thanks so much for everyone's suggestions.

Mikey

 

[BusynMember]

Mike, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean you should let yourself be a punching bag. Let me explain: There is NOTHING you can do to stop your wife from enabling McW. I would stay out of her relationship with your son, even if you know (and you're right) that she's doing him more harm than good. You can't make her throw him out and you don't think you should leave so, at least be good to YOU, and do what YOU think is right, but realize she'll also do what SHE wants to do and there's no point in butting heads with her over it. You don't EVER have to take her verbal abuse. But you can't control her relationship with McW. I would spend more time with dancer and your other son. This one is lost for now. He may come around later, but he's not anywhere near that right now and your wife isn't helping him. The court may slap his hands this time, but (and I still believe strongly that he's using other drugs) when he REALLY breaks the law as an adult--like steals a car, or assaults somebody, or gets into an accident while intoxicated--nobody will throw softballs at him for those things. And wife won't be able to stop him from getting arrested. And it won't be from the drugs, whatever they are, it'll be from the consequences of using them. Find hobbies, do your own thing, this trainwreck is not of your making and you can't fix it with your wife's opposition. You'd have to leave, and you don't want to do that, and, even then, wife would do what she wants to do. So I wasn't criticizing you. I just think there's nothing you can do except make your life more miserable by trying to interfer with wife's decision to enable son. I'm sorry if I sounded judgmental.

 

[nvts]

Hey! Why don't you Sarge and Dancer make some popcorn, grab some milkshakes and settle in to a movie (something Python sounds great! I think I'm digging into the back of my DVD's tonight myself - I could use a good laugh!) tonight?

Take a break from it all!!!

Sir Robin (aka Beth)