Being a warrior parent

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by everywoman, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    can just break your heart sometime--no matter how much you detach and place the ball in their court--it is still hard. difficult child is having a tough time. He is unemployed, his girlfriend just broke up with him, and he is in the midst of a depressive cycle. He has grand delusions about going back to school, but after shelling out tuition and seeing it thrown away twice, I won't do it again, and I'm not sure he can get financial aid with his criminal record. He came by today to ask to move back in. I told him no. And it hurt my heart. I also told him why. He has not worked on the issues that caused us to ask him to leave. His life is still a mess as a result of him impulse and anger issues. And I have given him the opportunities to get the tools needed to go forward in life over and over. And I have hoped each time that he will pick them up and use them. But he hasn't, and his life is a result of his choices. But, it still hurts.:sad-very:
  2. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I feel your pain.
    I see the same issues(different from you difficult child) but just the same negative type choices.
    Every time difficult child complains about his life, I remind him it is the result of his choices. He got exactly what he wanted, the least he could do is quit complaining. I think he was shocked.

    It is hard to not fall victim to our need to see our difficult child's find their way. You are strong to not enable. I hope I can do the same as you.
  3. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I, too, feel your pain. We can't help but love them. I'm sorry you're hurting.
  4. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I hear you. I'm so sorry you are hurting. Sometimes doing the right think just rips your heart out. (((HUGS))) -RM
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    {{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs, EW.
  7. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I'm sorry, EW. It's heartbreaking.

  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Oh, yes. It certainly still hurts even when you've gotten really good at detachment.

    On a side note, I didn't know FASFA could depend on a criminal record?? Doesn't appear to around here. lol As for many of the college programs they have to do criminal background checks before you start. And due to age, yours and husband's income should not affect his qualifying for it.

    Do you think difficult child would do better in a tech school (used to be called vocational schools)? They're set up differently than even the community colleges......and are a bit more geared for helping the student succeed. Travis thrived in the tech school setting. I'd be encouraging him to go that route they have an agreement if he can't work at what they trained him to do he can do the program again for free....but we just can't get him there everyday, it's 30 miles away.

  9. ML

    ML Guest

    I too am sorry you are hurting and will pray that your son finds his way. Healing hugs, ML
  10. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Daisy, if you have a drug or alcohol conviction, you do not qualify for financial aid at all. You also can't get any tax credits if you pay out of pocket for education. I saw that as I was doing taxes last night. husband and I are not listing him as a dependent this year for the first time since he did actually work an entire year for the first time. That would mean that he could, according to income, qualify. I'm just not sure what is actually listed on his record. He has a pending possession charge, and has been found guilty of MIP and also pled to possession of paraphernalia.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ya know EW, I wonder if that conviction doesnt have to be a felony conviction because do you know how many misdemeanor convictions kids get but are still in college? I can see denying the pell for felony trafficking but minor possession? Please! Its a ticket for gosh sakes!
  12. cakewalk

    cakewalk Member

    EW, I'm sorry. That must have been very difficult for you. It sounds as if you handled it the best way possible. Stay strong.
  13. judi

    judi Active Member

    So sorry.
  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Okay---after doing some research, I have determined that the drug conviction must be for the possession or sell of illegal drugs while receiving financial aid. An alcohol charge, or a charge received as a minor does not count. Looks like he is free and clear to receive financial aid if he chooses to go to college.
  15. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Well, at least he can get funds. I was going to agree with Janet on the drug alcohol stuff, because if they did it that way we'd have almost no students. At least under the age of 30. lol

    FASFA will pay for tech schools too. Something I didn't know until not long ago.
  16. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand. I get tired of hearing about Oldest's constant cycle of job loss, eviction, and fights with friends. Then she'll talk of going to school, or even joining the military, both of which are pipe dreams (she can't go to school if she doesn't even make enough money to pay rent, and she can't join the military because of her health problems). It's always some excuse, some "poor me" story. The only up side is, she rarely asks me for help any more. Which in a weird way, makes me even more sad. On one hand I'm glad not to be dealing with those conflicts any longer, on the other, well, her choices aren't getting any better and she seems ashamed of her situation sometimes, yet unable/unwilling to break the cycle.
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Hey hon -
    Sent ya'll a PM.
  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I know EW - I don't care how much tough love one employs - it still hurts like hell to see our flesh and blood chose self destruction.

    Sending many cyber hugs.
  19. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    My difficult child is really a sweetheart. It hurts so badly to see the bed they made. It's the heartbreak of my life. He's still acting so far below his age, and there is nothing I can do. But in a strange way, he's happy. He has more fun than anyone I know. He has problems in his life, but it's like he doesn't care. He's on the verge of complete self-destruction. It pains me to watch. (((((HUGS)))) for your sad heart.-Alyssa
  20. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    husband is on board with me this time. And we are supporting each other. I see the easy child's and all they are trying to do with their lives life. And I know he was raised the same way, so that make me mad...not at him...but at the genetics he was dealt and the choices he has made.

    Tonight I did something really off for me. I applied online for a job in a local mill for difficult child. Then I sent him and message and told him. I doubt he'll even get a interview--our unemployment rate is close to 17% right now, but I saw the opening posted and today was the last day and if I told him I would have had to have him come here and apply---so I did it for him. So, my detachment skills are still shaky at best!