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Best gift we can ever give our DCs: The gift of detachment with love
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 673556" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>The day before yesterday my sister and I were talking about our family (our aging parents and our younger brother, age 50, who is an alcoholic). He lives with our parents, and like most things, it's been a good thing and a bad thing. He works full time and "helps" them a lot---which has allowed (enabled) them to stay in their home past the point of making sense. Now they are all three mired in the muck. My mother **can't** move to a retirement community that she and my dad planned to go to because she **can't leave** her 50-year-old son who everybody knows is progressing in his disease. My dad is very very angry because his own son has taken his place in his home, and he has outbursts of rage that are getting out of control. </p><p></p><p>After the latest outburst that my sister witnessed and was also targeted in, she told my parents they need counseling and they agreed to go and have been going. </p><p></p><p>There was also a counseling session about my brother that my parents and my sister went to.</p><p></p><p>That's actually my point here:</p><p></p><p>The counselor said this very clearly. Your brother is much "better off" than you all are, you all who are being so hurt by his disease. His alcohol is his girlfriend, and he is perfectly happy in his little box that is his life. So quit feeling sorry for him. </p><p></p><p>I think this is important to think about. We all get so caught up in the poor addict's/alcoholic's situation. After all, their lives are so different from ours---they are homeless, in jail, couch-surfing, begging, don't have any money for anything, crying and moaning and whining all the time about how awful their lives are.</p><p></p><p>We look at their lives from our own position as their loving parents, and we cannot begin to imagine and it hurts us so much to watch someone we love live this kind of life.</p><p></p><p>But on some level...often on many levels...this is working for them. None of us continue to do something forever...unless...it is working on some level for us. We enable because we can't stand not to. That is again about US, not about THEM.</p><p></p><p>They stay mired in their addictions because it's working for them. It's better than stopping. Their box (their life) gets smaller and smaller because they can control a smaller box. Addiction is very much about control (and many other things). </p><p></p><p>I remember very clearly the day the counselor told me that my husband (now ex) was 100 percent responsible for his actions even though he was severely clinically depressed. That day was a big day for me because I had been going around tolerating all kinds of ridiculous behavior from him because I thought I had to and it was the right thing to do. </p><p></p><p>People are accountable for their actions unless they are psychotic and don't know right from wrong. Our DCs are accountable for their joblessness, homelessness, crime, theft, taking drugs, lies, cursing at us, on and on and on.</p><p></p><p>I think our seeing this is a huge shift for many of us, and a shift that can help as we work to detach with love from people who don't want to change, who don't want real help---they only want the kind of help that allows them to continue to do what they do.</p><p></p><p>Now...I am not saying not to be compassionate toward a person who is mentally ill. I am saying that setting boundaries (kindly and gently) and learning how to detach with love---again, not a "mean" thing---is what we must do if they are to have a chance to change.</p><p></p><p>If people are trying to change---really, truly trying---and that's hard to determine sometimes, then for me, I believe some help may be warranted---I qualify that because it's really easy to slip back into old patterns.</p><p></p><p>Food for thought. Everybody's situation is different but I think these thoughts are worthy of our consideration.</p><p></p><p>Happy Day After Thanksgiving! We survived!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 673556, member: 17542"] The day before yesterday my sister and I were talking about our family (our aging parents and our younger brother, age 50, who is an alcoholic). He lives with our parents, and like most things, it's been a good thing and a bad thing. He works full time and "helps" them a lot---which has allowed (enabled) them to stay in their home past the point of making sense. Now they are all three mired in the muck. My mother **can't** move to a retirement community that she and my dad planned to go to because she **can't leave** her 50-year-old son who everybody knows is progressing in his disease. My dad is very very angry because his own son has taken his place in his home, and he has outbursts of rage that are getting out of control. After the latest outburst that my sister witnessed and was also targeted in, she told my parents they need counseling and they agreed to go and have been going. There was also a counseling session about my brother that my parents and my sister went to. That's actually my point here: The counselor said this very clearly. Your brother is much "better off" than you all are, you all who are being so hurt by his disease. His alcohol is his girlfriend, and he is perfectly happy in his little box that is his life. So quit feeling sorry for him. I think this is important to think about. We all get so caught up in the poor addict's/alcoholic's situation. After all, their lives are so different from ours---they are homeless, in jail, couch-surfing, begging, don't have any money for anything, crying and moaning and whining all the time about how awful their lives are. We look at their lives from our own position as their loving parents, and we cannot begin to imagine and it hurts us so much to watch someone we love live this kind of life. But on some level...often on many levels...this is working for them. None of us continue to do something forever...unless...it is working on some level for us. We enable because we can't stand not to. That is again about US, not about THEM. They stay mired in their addictions because it's working for them. It's better than stopping. Their box (their life) gets smaller and smaller because they can control a smaller box. Addiction is very much about control (and many other things). I remember very clearly the day the counselor told me that my husband (now ex) was 100 percent responsible for his actions even though he was severely clinically depressed. That day was a big day for me because I had been going around tolerating all kinds of ridiculous behavior from him because I thought I had to and it was the right thing to do. People are accountable for their actions unless they are psychotic and don't know right from wrong. Our DCs are accountable for their joblessness, homelessness, crime, theft, taking drugs, lies, cursing at us, on and on and on. I think our seeing this is a huge shift for many of us, and a shift that can help as we work to detach with love from people who don't want to change, who don't want real help---they only want the kind of help that allows them to continue to do what they do. Now...I am not saying not to be compassionate toward a person who is mentally ill. I am saying that setting boundaries (kindly and gently) and learning how to detach with love---again, not a "mean" thing---is what we must do if they are to have a chance to change. If people are trying to change---really, truly trying---and that's hard to determine sometimes, then for me, I believe some help may be warranted---I qualify that because it's really easy to slip back into old patterns. Food for thought. Everybody's situation is different but I think these thoughts are worthy of our consideration. Happy Day After Thanksgiving! We survived! [/QUOTE]
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