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Best gift we can ever give our DCs: The gift of detachment with love
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 673572" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you Recovering, I guess that is part of it, the empty needs to be filled. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and posting, reading here. Searching the web for articles and lessons on dealing with the issue of enabling, substance abuse. It has helped tremendously.</p><p>The weirdest thing, what I am writing about, is that holiday and all, I did not <em>pine</em> for my two. I guess it is...radical acceptance? I don't know, the feeling will change I suppose with time. It is sort of like exercising, and one hits a wall. The wall is all of those feelings, flooding in, the desperation, anxiety, anger, loss. Then I had to keep working, doing, being. I had to come through that wall. Now, it is this numbness, that has come over me. It is an odd "in between" feeling. Some days I feel it is peaceful, other days, puzzling. Maybe I feel guilty and weirded out, because of the numbness, like I am supposed to be feeling sad and out of sorts, or even angry.</p><p>What kind of mother cannot conjure up feelings for their child?</p><p></p><p> I guess I will just have to ride it out, and build myself up, and keep adding to my toolbox.</p><p></p><p>I have to say, quite honestly, that I could probably try and <em>seek out</em> Tornado, reach out to her. I know where she works. I am hesitant, I do not know what to expect.</p><p>Well, I do think she would be stand-offish, as usual.</p><p>Am I stubborn? Am I non-feeling? Have I over-compensated, by turning off that part of me, that mother love? Detachment with numbness. Or, even, reality? Detachment with the reality, that over and over, I have tried to have a loving relationship, tried to be helpful, to no avail.</p><p>My d cs have such <em>venom </em>for me.</p><p>What do I do with that? What is a loving parent to do, with the venom?</p><p>I am a very sensitive person, but I can be stubborn, too.</p><p>I am obstinately avoiding <em>putting myself out there </em>to try and contact my daughter, because I feel, if she felt different or has changed her thinking, she would <em>call me</em>. I was absolutely hurt and angry and now numb, over her litany of swearing, yelling and verbal abuse that preceded the latest exodus. I don't even know if she remembers <em>what</em> she said, but it was <em>terrible</em>. I feel, she should call and apologize. I do not even know if that will ever come.</p><p>Right, now, I am holding to that.The <em>expectation of an apology</em>. Am I being childish in this?</p><p>Loving detachment. It is a conundrum for me at this juncture.</p><p>I love my two d cs, but the years of this, has taken it's toll on me. </p><p>I am way past the point of excusing bad behavior."It's not your daughter, it's the drugs". </p><p>I have taken the viewpoint of, "It is my daughter-my daughter on drugs, or tweaking - not on drugs, and in that rage of <em>not</em> being high." It is still her. Her choice, her words, her disrespect.</p><p>Sigh.</p><p> This is where I am trying to get to Recovering. I think I am making steps towards that. I also know that I need to keep building my toolbox, for when the time comes, or doesn't come, to be able to stand firm.</p><p></p><p> Thank you Recovering, for sharing this. I will keep working on it. I think it will come in stages, like grieving. Maybe I have hit acceptance, and I do not know how that feels.</p><p>I am glad that you have come through the fire, a diamond. </p><p></p><p>It is a very hopeful, encouraging thing to read of.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 673572, member: 19522"] Thank you Recovering, I guess that is part of it, the empty needs to be filled. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and posting, reading here. Searching the web for articles and lessons on dealing with the issue of enabling, substance abuse. It has helped tremendously. The weirdest thing, what I am writing about, is that holiday and all, I did not [I]pine[/I] for my two. I guess it is...radical acceptance? I don't know, the feeling will change I suppose with time. It is sort of like exercising, and one hits a wall. The wall is all of those feelings, flooding in, the desperation, anxiety, anger, loss. Then I had to keep working, doing, being. I had to come through that wall. Now, it is this numbness, that has come over me. It is an odd "in between" feeling. Some days I feel it is peaceful, other days, puzzling. Maybe I feel guilty and weirded out, because of the numbness, like I am supposed to be feeling sad and out of sorts, or even angry. What kind of mother cannot conjure up feelings for their child? I guess I will just have to ride it out, and build myself up, and keep adding to my toolbox. I have to say, quite honestly, that I could probably try and [I]seek out[/I] Tornado, reach out to her. I know where she works. I am hesitant, I do not know what to expect. Well, I do think she would be stand-offish, as usual. Am I stubborn? Am I non-feeling? Have I over-compensated, by turning off that part of me, that mother love? Detachment with numbness. Or, even, reality? Detachment with the reality, that over and over, I have tried to have a loving relationship, tried to be helpful, to no avail. My d cs have such [I]venom [/I]for me. What do I do with that? What is a loving parent to do, with the venom? I am a very sensitive person, but I can be stubborn, too. I am obstinately avoiding [I]putting myself out there [/I]to try and contact my daughter, because I feel, if she felt different or has changed her thinking, she would [I]call me[/I]. I was absolutely hurt and angry and now numb, over her litany of swearing, yelling and verbal abuse that preceded the latest exodus. I don't even know if she remembers [I]what[/I] she said, but it was [I]terrible[/I]. I feel, she should call and apologize. I do not even know if that will ever come. Right, now, I am holding to that.The [I]expectation of an apology[/I]. Am I being childish in this? Loving detachment. It is a conundrum for me at this juncture. I love my two d cs, but the years of this, has taken it's toll on me. I am way past the point of excusing bad behavior."It's not your daughter, it's the drugs". I have taken the viewpoint of, "It is my daughter-my daughter on drugs, or tweaking - not on drugs, and in that rage of [I]not[/I] being high." It is still her. Her choice, her words, her disrespect. Sigh. This is where I am trying to get to Recovering. I think I am making steps towards that. I also know that I need to keep building my toolbox, for when the time comes, or doesn't come, to be able to stand firm. Thank you Recovering, for sharing this. I will keep working on it. I think it will come in stages, like grieving. Maybe I have hit acceptance, and I do not know how that feels. I am glad that you have come through the fire, a diamond. It is a very hopeful, encouraging thing to read of. Thank you so much (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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Best gift we can ever give our DCs: The gift of detachment with love
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