Best Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by won'tgiveup, Jul 26, 2011.

  1. won'tgiveup

    won'tgiveup New Member

    Good morning,
    I believe that my almost 16 year old daugher has Borderline (BPD) (I know it can't be officially diagnosed until age 18, but she has the symptoms/tendencies.) It is very hurtful to deal with. I never know when she is telling me the truth. One minute she loves me and tells me I'm the best mom in the world, and the next minute she hates me and is hurling horrible hurtful insults at me. I love her so much but have become almost unsensitized to her. I have maintained the sensibility to stay calm, grounded, consistent, firm, and loving, but it is to the point where I don't know what to say to her anymore.
    We had a 3-day vacation to the beach planned, and the night before we were to leave, she lied to me and swore at me and told me I was pathetic. It was the straw that broke the camel's back and I cancelled our vacation. I know she is so disappointed but I just can't take that kind of behavior anymore and there has to be consequences.
    She is in therapy but does not attend regularly. I would like to begin Family Therapy (in addition to her individual counselling) but don't know where to begin. I have been to individual therapy myself with 2 different counselors who helped me to deal with the situation, so far as to give me some strategies to cope, but I feel there has to be more that can be done.
    I have heard a lot about Solution-based family therapy and wonder if that is the way to go?
    Does anyone have a success story about some type of therapy that has worked in this type of situation?

    I would appreciate any help. Thank you.
  2. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Hello and welcome. I understand you completely! My daughter is also 16. She has been in and out of 2 residential placements. She has PTSD but we have been told since she was 14 that she has borderline characteristics and because of her abuse history, will most likely develop it. I believe she already has it- full blown. She runs and puts herself in great danger as part of the lack of impulse control that comes with the disorder. She was in a residential DBT treatment center here. She did very well learning the skills and we learned them as well. "The wheels came off the bus" this past week and she ended up in a "borderline episode" that resulted in her almost ending her life.The skills are great and seem common sense-but they have to really want to use them and have support. It wasn't until 2 month ago my daughter finially admitted she was mentally ill and needed to internalize these skills that progress began after about 3 years of individual, family, and residential therapy.This is a tough disorder. It seems to have levels of severity. My child seems to be pretty sick. It is exhausting work for parents.I don't know about the consequence thing.. I am so wrestling with how to play it out. I believe that life gives those to you and where natural or logical consequences are available they should be used. I also like using this this called collaborative problem solving, when the situation is right-( from books called the Explosive Child but a better discription is in the book called Lost at School)The hard part is that you lost out on this trip as well. Borderline people often love you one minute and hate you the next, this is called splitting. You are either all good or all bad. I've also learned recently that they often have a hard time holding in their head the love that comes from you and that each interaction is like an interaction in isolation without context. My daughter never caled me names or said I hate you, but she did tell me I was to blame for everything and that I didn't understand. I withdraw when she gets into one of these places. I do it physically or I do it by just listening and I do not take anything personal- has taken awhile to get there.The lying about kills me-but it is also a big pard of the disorder. Sometimes it is out and out "I want what I want" at any cost, or" I want to avoid a given consequence or situation", or "I really believe this lie I've made up". So when do you give a consequence? There are success stories out there. I have heard them at NAMI meetings ( a great resource to tap into for support). There are some others on the board that have experience and more success than I. I have read "Stop walking on Eggshells" and many books on the disorder and the newer one give greater hope, much of that because of DBT therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan. Every situation is different, but I know and have excepted that we will be on our toes for many years and that our daughter will need support as she is even willing to end her life to stop the suffering.Hugs to you and as I've been told, never give up, but get support and take of yourself.
  3. won'tgiveup

    won'tgiveup New Member

    Thank you for your insight. My daughter lives with her dad which doesn't help. Whenever she has an episode with me, she usually runs back to him with no consequence. I guess taking away her vacation was the only way I could show her that yes, she will have SOME consequence with me if she disrespects or abuses me. However I am wrestling with the question, "Will it even make a difference, or will it cause her to become more defiant toward me?"

    I have to reason that I am an intelligent person with genuine feelings, and at the time I felt it was the best thing to do. Maybe she will think twice next time?

    I see that you are a teacher, exhausted. So am I. I guess I naturally feel that there has to be a solution to a child's bad behavior (because at school I am surely expected to find a solution!)

    Last January my daughter stayed with me while her dad was out of town, and she was the sweetest girl ever, working hard on her homework and being so pleasant. Until Saturday morning at 4 a.m. I was awakened by exhaust fumes and a horrible noise, only to run to the garage and find her pulling my beat-up car (with the front tires gone!!) into my garage! She was 14 at the time--I didn't even know she could drive! Apparently she and her friend went out to get some pot and have a joy ride in my car, then hit a curb and blew out the tires. $2000 damage. At least she was OK. Her dad was back in town and came and got her.

    The next day I was home alone and the police came to my door. I saw that there was an ambulance and firetruck in front of my house. Some one had found my daughter lying in the grass apparently unconscious. After going to the hospital and finding pot and adderol in her system, they sent her to a treatment center. She told the staff that she had faked the whole thing to get attention from me. When I went to visit her at the center, she said "Why the F...are you here?"

    I have many more stories but I am sure you are familiar with what goes on. I pray every day that she will shed this ugliness and become her sweet, intelligent, full-of-life self. I will take your advice, keep reading, seek counsel, pray a lot, and try to be ever hopeful:)
  4. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Holy cow tried to edit that mess of a post but it wouldn't work. Here is the web site I left you-I think it got inserted wrong! Now that I know you are a fellow teacher, I double recommend reading "Lost at School". Yep, we are expected to figure out the solution at school and I have to tell you, sometimes the solution is nowhere to be found. I would never have said that a few years ago. I never give up, but not every problem has a solution and some solutions are years in the making! I think our daughters will be years in the making. I feel your pain-no driving stories, but plenty of other stories. I do think that there may be blessings for you that you and her dad share her. You can "tag-team" when worn out. It would be good if he had similar discipline. It can be hard even if you are still together. My husband is a bit of a sugar daddy at times. But when enough is enough, boy-howdy!Please keep us posted and share. It helps all of us to know we are not alone. I hope a few other experienced moms will be by soon who have more info.
  5. frostie

    frostie New Member

    I'm speaking from the point of view of a person with Borderline Personality Disorder.
    I can just imagine how hard it is for you. But do not lose hope and do not give up.
    I'm 42 and have worked on my disorder once I was in my 30s with 4 small kids.

    Living in black or white is excruciating mentally. You so belive what you think. there is no connection between emotion and rationality.
    For me the best help came in a form of group therapy. I fell for you and your daughter.
    But keep looking after yourself, that is the only way you can help her.
  6. won'tgiveup

    won'tgiveup New Member

    Thank you:) I am overwhelmed by finding such kindness and people who want to help. I guess it is no accident that I stumbled upon this site today. Frostie, I admire you very much, as I know that it is difficult to realize that you have a disorder, and even harder to change. Thank you for taking the time to help me.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is the latest and in my opinion best treatment for borderline personality disorder. It is the very best way I have learned not to ride a minute-by-minute emotional roller coaster and be rational. Yes, it's
  8. won'tgiveup

    won'tgiveup New Member

    I went to the dbtselfhelp website and found it very helpful as well as fascinating! I'm sure I will spend much time there in the coming weeks......
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This new therapy was designed just for borderlines and is the most successful therapy to date. I LOVE IT! It's called dialectal behavioral therapy and you can buy some great books about it on Amazon. It's along the line of cognitive therapy, but it's better. The only catch is that the patient has to be willing to work hard to be "mindful." It takes time and is hard at first, but it's so worth it.

    At one time it was thought that borderline was hopeless. They know better now.

    Hint: Do not buy "I Love You, Don't Leave Me." I read it twenty years ago and it was very discouraging. They have made a LOT of strides in treating borderline, and the updated books are much more informative and helpful. If you can find a dialectal behavioral therapist, GO FOR IT. They are starting to pop up as this treatment gains quickly in popularity because of the good results.

    Check Amazon and put in Dialectal Behavioral Therapy. by the way, this is used for more than just borderline now. I'm not surprised.

    good luck!
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Can I ask what testing she's had so far?
  11. frostie

    frostie New Member

    Your welcome won'tgiveup.
    I need to thank all the people who stayed by my side inspite of me.
  12. seriously

    seriously New Member