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Family of Origin
Betrayal of self: Who do you trust?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 674497" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>It does become a question of integrity. I feel that too, Copa.</p><p></p><p><em>That every cloudy or concealed statement left unchallenged calls into question my integrity.</em></p><p></p><p>This is a valuable post, Copa. Those cloudy or concealed times when we interpreted things positively and that pattern continued into shunning or other kinds of victimization.</p><p></p><p>I wonder how self trust evolves. I think it has to do with the Benedictine (or Buddhist) concept of work; of not deserting ourselves: <em>When chopping onions....</em></p><p></p><p>Maybe that is why this part feels so lonely. It could be that I have stopped selling myself out for companionship or agreement. If that is the case, then I will begin to savor these feelings, instead of doing all I know to hold myself together until they pass and I am myself, again.</p><p></p><p>Maybe, I will never be myself, again.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p><em>Based upon my own fears and internalized hurts. This is the other side of the coin....</em></p><p></p><p><em>Blinded by my own fear.</em></p><p></p><p>So, we have earned a coin to spend, then.</p><p></p><p>This is what changed for me, as I read: Maybe, it is true that I am not a small thing, trying to survive, gritting my teeth to stand in place without running or defending or hiding away from energies that overwhelm me. Maybe, those energies, those dark winds, are warm; enfolding. There was a period of time when I envisioned myself breathing easily under water. One the one hand, I know I cannot. On the other hand, I was doing it.</p><p></p><p>Maybe this is like that, too.</p><p></p><p>So, where is the fear coming from, and the lonely feeling that work and attention balance so beautifully.</p><p></p><p>The coin imagery, Copa. I really like that way of seeing more clearly.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 674497, member: 17461"] It does become a question of integrity. I feel that too, Copa. [I]That every cloudy or concealed statement left unchallenged calls into question my integrity.[/I] This is a valuable post, Copa. Those cloudy or concealed times when we interpreted things positively and that pattern continued into shunning or other kinds of victimization. I wonder how self trust evolves. I think it has to do with the Benedictine (or Buddhist) concept of work; of not deserting ourselves: [I]When chopping onions....[/I] Maybe that is why this part feels so lonely. It could be that I have stopped selling myself out for companionship or agreement. If that is the case, then I will begin to savor these feelings, instead of doing all I know to hold myself together until they pass and I am myself, again. Maybe, I will never be myself, again. [I]Based upon my own fears and internalized hurts. This is the other side of the coin....[/I] [I]Blinded by my own fear.[/I] So, we have earned a coin to spend, then. This is what changed for me, as I read: Maybe, it is true that I am not a small thing, trying to survive, gritting my teeth to stand in place without running or defending or hiding away from energies that overwhelm me. Maybe, those energies, those dark winds, are warm; enfolding. There was a period of time when I envisioned myself breathing easily under water. One the one hand, I know I cannot. On the other hand, I was doing it. Maybe this is like that, too. So, where is the fear coming from, and the lonely feeling that work and attention balance so beautifully. The coin imagery, Copa. I really like that way of seeing more clearly. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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Betrayal of self: Who do you trust?
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