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Family of Origin
Betrayal of self: Who do you trust?
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 674552" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Being the age we are is an extraordinary thing. </p><p></p><p>The lady on the left has dressed masterfully first to draw attention and set a tone, and then, to focus attention on her eyes.</p><p></p><p>On the real person alive beneath the aging face.</p><p></p><p>I have read that if we receive massage or pedicures and manicures as we age ~ anything that helps us know ourselves to be cherished and touched kindly ~ we will blossom and reach out and enjoy laughter. We do not touch our elderly; we do not appreciate them, or admire their wisdom, especially in today's culture. When I worked, I truly loved touching my patients, or sitting with them and listening to the trauma of what was happening to them. Not the medications or the procedures, but how scary it was sometimes, to be the one it was all happening to. None of that is covered by insurance or Medicare, and I think that is very sad for all of us, nurses and patients alike.</p><p></p><p>When I decided to become a nurse, an older, retired nurse warned me that the system had changed, and that the things that made it human were hardly allowed and certainly, were not encouraged or rewarded anymore.</p><p></p><p>Isn't that something.</p><p></p><p>That is why we are lonely as we age, maybe. Without the promise of babies to make and birth, we cannot understand our own purposes. Male and female both, we are at loose ends because we think firm young bodies are the value.</p><p></p><p>Nonetheless Copa, I am still thinking about that face lift.</p><p></p><p>But here is the thing: I would have to have other things lifted once I had the face lift. It would be a never ending process, head to toe, head to toe. I would always be recovering from something, and something new would be forever slipping out of place. </p><p></p><p>At least right now, everything matches.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>And on that one day when everything was put back where it should be and I was not recovering from the latest surgery...my hair would begin to thin to the point of baldness and then what.</p><p></p><p>Here is an interesting thing: A woman plastic surgeon said that all breast implants will eventually develop mold. </p><p></p><p>And cause sickness.</p><p></p><p>And on the show I was watching, they took the implants out and they were nasty.</p><p></p><p>So...huh.</p><p></p><p>I was going to tell the joke about having nothing left of our breasts after a certain age but the bags they came in.</p><p></p><p>But I decided not to.</p><p></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>She does not have her nails done in bright colors. There is nothing that screams look at me and yet, each piece of clothing has been chosen perfectly. Not to scream for attention, not too severe (as all black, which is my go to color scheme, can be). See how the flowers on her jacket, so distinctly and beautifully shaped, bring us to her eyes?</p><p></p><p>I think you are right about plastic surgery, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Still, it is hard to lose beautiful and strong.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>This morning, I am coming more and more to conclude that it is ourselves we must cultivate and come to trust. We cultivate ourselves through behaving with kindness and integrity (or whatever our primary values are) when that is possible. I think trust would be when we do not behave with kindness or integrity and understand why and believe ourselves to have behaved correctly though we have not been "perfect".</p><p></p><p>I think that would be trust.</p><p></p><p>It would be trusting intuition and waiting for proof.</p><p></p><p>Having seen so many terrible things, we operate the other way around. However ugly the thing is, we are sure it can be better or be made better or that it really wants to be better and just needs a little polishing. </p><p></p><p>Or we think they didn't mean it, when of course, they did.</p><p></p><p>How sad for us, and how many times we must have been so bitterly disappointed.</p><p></p><p>I don't know what to make of that, but I think it is true.</p><p></p><p>It is a difficult thing to choose vulnerability or faith and have it cheapened.</p><p></p><p>A sad thing, when that happens to us.</p><p></p><p>I think that makes the predator a weak thing then, doesn't it? That they would not have been able to have taken the advantage they did were it not for our believing they were better than they are in the first place?</p><p></p><p>And then, that they did what they did, anyway.</p><p></p><p>Lonely, again.</p><p></p><p>Not so willing to take it on faith, anymore. </p><p></p><p>As we heal then, we will begin holding faith with ourselves, and looking quite ugly to everyone who wishes we were still injured and innocent and betting our lives on the mercy of others.</p><p></p><p>Predators do seem to zero in on that.</p><p></p><p>That is why we must learn to have mercy for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Over time, we believe that we are who we are, that we are who we have proven ourselves to be through our actions and interests and words <em>and through the nature of our prayers</em>.</p><p></p><p>There are many things that are real that are ugly. Or, that we don't understand.</p><p></p><p>That does not mean they are not real.</p><p></p><p>We need to stop pretending we can make those things hurt less. I remember when I began posting like that as I was coming through grieving the lost family that the family D H and I had created became. I posted: "Ours is an ugly story." After we decided to explore and process vulnerabilities left from our upbringings, I posted the same kinds of words as I came to terms with Family of Origin issues: "Mine is an ugly story."</p><p></p><p>And it is.</p><p></p><p>But at least it is true. No one can hurt me with it because I already know I am sad at the broken things.</p><p></p><p>People who hurt us in those ways have no integrity. How did we not see this? </p><p></p><p>How did we take that on for them, too?</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>And there are ugly things in the world, too.</p><p></p><p>That is why the person whose trust we should cultivate is ourselves. That is another definition of faith, maybe. We are already kind. To hold faith with ourselves will make us very strong. To know the good and the bad in ourselves enables integrity to take place and then, over time, we can hold faith with ourselves.</p><p></p><p>That is the person we should trust: Ourselves.</p><p></p><p>How did that go, that thing I posted about trust. <em> There is no trust without respect. There is no love without trust.</em></p><p></p><p>It went something like that.</p><p></p><p>So, the person whose trust, respect, and love we need to cultivate is ourselves. These are the values our abusers cheapened. The ability to look into our own eyes and believe what we see there. That is trust. The ability to review our behaviors or relationships or decisions or mistakes and understand that we made good decisions, and that our hearts were good, and that no one is perfect the first time or all the time.</p><p></p><p>That is respect. Earned respect, as all true respect is earned or it is sycophancy.</p><p></p><p>They took that from us, too.</p><p></p><p>To love ourselves is where I am only beginning to come to. For me thus far, there was the paradigm shift of appreciation. First, for life and breath. That came first. And then came specific appreciation that I am here, able to breathe, able to see and feel and touch and be present.</p><p></p><p>I remember posting at the time that it was seismic.</p><p></p><p>Looks like I was right.</p><p></p><p>Yay, me.</p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p>Having come from dysfunctional homes, we will not have been taught how to understand how to interpret inappropriate things, from rudeness at the table to murderers in the streets. So, I was watching Mr. Rogers, this morning. He is on YouTube, did you know? </p><p></p><p>He can help us, even now, to understand what trust feels like; what it would have felt like, to have been safe in our childhoods. </p><p></p><p>This understanding will help us too, to understand the feeling tone of the places where we grew up. We do not have that, I think. Without it, without that understanding of what it was like, of how really unfortunate it was, we are like babes in the woods re-enacting old, merciless patterns and blaming ourselves and trying to figure out where we went wrong and hating ourselves for it.</p><p></p><p>We may not have been wrong.</p><p></p><p>Ours may be ugly stories, and that may be the end of the story.</p><p></p><p>I think this is an important piece of our healing, Copa and everyone.</p><p></p><p>Trust.</p><p></p><p>Routinely betrayed and manipulated as children, we don't know what the feel of trust is. In my marriage of over forty years, there is a blossoming trust now, that my D H is who he appears to be, that was only a scaffolding of a beginning of trust, before.</p><p></p><p>I posted about appreciation on the Work and Germany thread.</p><p></p><p>That has to do with trusting ourselves, that ability to appreciate our lives and our breath and our true goodness of heart.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>Copa, I am glad to know you are feeling better and more centered. It happens to me that soon, I become aware of roomier, of fresh expansive breath, of a sense of distance and really, joy.</p><p></p><p>Like someone imprisoned savoring the stars on the first night of her release.</p><p></p><p>So good, to see them, again.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 674552, member: 17461"] Being the age we are is an extraordinary thing. The lady on the left has dressed masterfully first to draw attention and set a tone, and then, to focus attention on her eyes. On the real person alive beneath the aging face. I have read that if we receive massage or pedicures and manicures as we age ~ anything that helps us know ourselves to be cherished and touched kindly ~ we will blossom and reach out and enjoy laughter. We do not touch our elderly; we do not appreciate them, or admire their wisdom, especially in today's culture. When I worked, I truly loved touching my patients, or sitting with them and listening to the trauma of what was happening to them. Not the medications or the procedures, but how scary it was sometimes, to be the one it was all happening to. None of that is covered by insurance or Medicare, and I think that is very sad for all of us, nurses and patients alike. When I decided to become a nurse, an older, retired nurse warned me that the system had changed, and that the things that made it human were hardly allowed and certainly, were not encouraged or rewarded anymore. Isn't that something. That is why we are lonely as we age, maybe. Without the promise of babies to make and birth, we cannot understand our own purposes. Male and female both, we are at loose ends because we think firm young bodies are the value. Nonetheless Copa, I am still thinking about that face lift. But here is the thing: I would have to have other things lifted once I had the face lift. It would be a never ending process, head to toe, head to toe. I would always be recovering from something, and something new would be forever slipping out of place. At least right now, everything matches. :O) And on that one day when everything was put back where it should be and I was not recovering from the latest surgery...my hair would begin to thin to the point of baldness and then what. Here is an interesting thing: A woman plastic surgeon said that all breast implants will eventually develop mold. And cause sickness. And on the show I was watching, they took the implants out and they were nasty. So...huh. I was going to tell the joke about having nothing left of our breasts after a certain age but the bags they came in. But I decided not to. *** She does not have her nails done in bright colors. There is nothing that screams look at me and yet, each piece of clothing has been chosen perfectly. Not to scream for attention, not too severe (as all black, which is my go to color scheme, can be). See how the flowers on her jacket, so distinctly and beautifully shaped, bring us to her eyes? I think you are right about plastic surgery, Copa. Still, it is hard to lose beautiful and strong. *** This morning, I am coming more and more to conclude that it is ourselves we must cultivate and come to trust. We cultivate ourselves through behaving with kindness and integrity (or whatever our primary values are) when that is possible. I think trust would be when we do not behave with kindness or integrity and understand why and believe ourselves to have behaved correctly though we have not been "perfect". I think that would be trust. It would be trusting intuition and waiting for proof. Having seen so many terrible things, we operate the other way around. However ugly the thing is, we are sure it can be better or be made better or that it really wants to be better and just needs a little polishing. Or we think they didn't mean it, when of course, they did. How sad for us, and how many times we must have been so bitterly disappointed. I don't know what to make of that, but I think it is true. It is a difficult thing to choose vulnerability or faith and have it cheapened. A sad thing, when that happens to us. I think that makes the predator a weak thing then, doesn't it? That they would not have been able to have taken the advantage they did were it not for our believing they were better than they are in the first place? And then, that they did what they did, anyway. Lonely, again. Not so willing to take it on faith, anymore. As we heal then, we will begin holding faith with ourselves, and looking quite ugly to everyone who wishes we were still injured and innocent and betting our lives on the mercy of others. Predators do seem to zero in on that. That is why we must learn to have mercy for ourselves. *** Over time, we believe that we are who we are, that we are who we have proven ourselves to be through our actions and interests and words [I]and through the nature of our prayers[/I]. There are many things that are real that are ugly. Or, that we don't understand. That does not mean they are not real. We need to stop pretending we can make those things hurt less. I remember when I began posting like that as I was coming through grieving the lost family that the family D H and I had created became. I posted: "Ours is an ugly story." After we decided to explore and process vulnerabilities left from our upbringings, I posted the same kinds of words as I came to terms with Family of Origin issues: "Mine is an ugly story." And it is. But at least it is true. No one can hurt me with it because I already know I am sad at the broken things. People who hurt us in those ways have no integrity. How did we not see this? How did we take that on for them, too? *** And there are ugly things in the world, too. That is why the person whose trust we should cultivate is ourselves. That is another definition of faith, maybe. We are already kind. To hold faith with ourselves will make us very strong. To know the good and the bad in ourselves enables integrity to take place and then, over time, we can hold faith with ourselves. That is the person we should trust: Ourselves. How did that go, that thing I posted about trust. [I] There is no trust without respect. There is no love without trust.[/I] It went something like that. So, the person whose trust, respect, and love we need to cultivate is ourselves. These are the values our abusers cheapened. The ability to look into our own eyes and believe what we see there. That is trust. The ability to review our behaviors or relationships or decisions or mistakes and understand that we made good decisions, and that our hearts were good, and that no one is perfect the first time or all the time. That is respect. Earned respect, as all true respect is earned or it is sycophancy. They took that from us, too. To love ourselves is where I am only beginning to come to. For me thus far, there was the paradigm shift of appreciation. First, for life and breath. That came first. And then came specific appreciation that I am here, able to breathe, able to see and feel and touch and be present. I remember posting at the time that it was seismic. Looks like I was right. Yay, me. *** Having come from dysfunctional homes, we will not have been taught how to understand how to interpret inappropriate things, from rudeness at the table to murderers in the streets. So, I was watching Mr. Rogers, this morning. He is on YouTube, did you know? He can help us, even now, to understand what trust feels like; what it would have felt like, to have been safe in our childhoods. This understanding will help us too, to understand the feeling tone of the places where we grew up. We do not have that, I think. Without it, without that understanding of what it was like, of how really unfortunate it was, we are like babes in the woods re-enacting old, merciless patterns and blaming ourselves and trying to figure out where we went wrong and hating ourselves for it. We may not have been wrong. Ours may be ugly stories, and that may be the end of the story. I think this is an important piece of our healing, Copa and everyone. Trust. Routinely betrayed and manipulated as children, we don't know what the feel of trust is. In my marriage of over forty years, there is a blossoming trust now, that my D H is who he appears to be, that was only a scaffolding of a beginning of trust, before. I posted about appreciation on the Work and Germany thread. That has to do with trusting ourselves, that ability to appreciate our lives and our breath and our true goodness of heart. Cedar Copa, I am glad to know you are feeling better and more centered. It happens to me that soon, I become aware of roomier, of fresh expansive breath, of a sense of distance and really, joy. Like someone imprisoned savoring the stars on the first night of her release. So good, to see them, again. [/QUOTE]
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