Hopeful97
Active Member
I have had little to no contact with d c. A few weeks ago he left message he was crying saying how he was so depressed and had no one to talk to and he thought he would always be able to contact his mom when the depression got this bad. I ended up contacting him, he was still, for lack of better terms, in a very bad state with regard to the depression. I asked him if he was thinking of hurting himself he said he did not know. I told him I would take him to er he asked of we could just talk first. We talked for longer than we have in a while about having someone to be able to talk to and what needs to be done to help survive mental illness. Like therapy, medications, support group, doctor, and a person or a couple of people that I call a safety net (he already knows all of this). I had once told him if/when he was really bad with depression I would always talk to him. We ended up telling each other we loved and cared for the other. He was much better.
Back up several years, mental illness is prevelant in my family. I have a mental illness and in and out of hospitals several times during my adult life and when kids were little. I am in recovery and I know that a relapse can happen at anytime, but over the years I have learned to get help early on and there times for whatever reason that I fail to do that and my safety net (hubs, parents, sis, friend, and now older son, doctor) will intervene. My reason for saying this is to give you the clear picture that my d c (diagnosed with mental illness very young and later diagnosed with mental illnesses) knows about the necessity to get help and there is help and you can lead a good life. Especially growing up so close to and even with m illnesses he probably has more knowledge than others his age.
Anyway time elapsed no contact for a while with the exception of him asking hubby or first born to tell me he loves me. Which is not often because they have minimal contact. D c calls this weekend I did not respond he calls hubby, he is crying mess asks to talk to me. I tell him he knows to get help and he knows how. He says I thought you would always talk to me when I am this bad. I said we are talking. Told him again he needed to get professional help and that je knows how. I told him things would be much better if he stopped posting the crap he was posting on fb and to walk away from people wanting to engage in violence. He said he felt like he did not have a family, this probably came from him not knowing about gmas 90th surprise birthday party. I told him if a family event was going to happen someone would let him know and get him there if he wanted to participate. He came to both Christmas celebrations and 1 of the Thanksgiving celebrations. (Just adding because it bugs me, he was to be in 1st borns wedding which was about a month before he was made to leave our home. His brother really wanted him to be in his wedding, 1st born all about family, very loving and caring young man. 1st born has always talked to, included, helped, protected d c and they were at one time very close. D c got fitted for tux never showed up for daytime wedding or evening reception, no phone call nothing. 1st born extremely hurt as he said "Mom I thought since we got tux for him and he got fitted he would come and I told him I really wanted him to be part of one of the most important days of my life") Sorry about that rant, it was really for all of family to deal with the hurt and knowing how deeply he hurt 1st born.) Wedding was most wonderful time me, my hubby and son getting married have had in a long time even with the no show we went on and had a wonderful, fun exciting time.
So I tell d c he does have a family that loves and cares for him. We hang up.
Later that evening we discover an extremely violent post on the internet, this is very disturbing and I am even ashamed to talk about it, but if I do not it will continue to be at the forefront of my mind haunting me. It shows my d c in a fight (nothing new) this was different the other guy fell to ground after several exchanged punches went into a fetal position d c continues to kick and punch, you can hear people calling d c to stop. I turned it off, I was extremely extremely upset, angry, disappointed, extremely ashamed as was hubby. 1st born told us that others had to pull d c off.
Knowing that my child is capable of that kind of violence............ I am distraught, numb I do not know how I feel.
D c just talked to me a few hours before "oh I am so depressed" .
Is this part of aspd (anti social personality disorder)? Where is this uncontrolled viciousness coming from? He has mentally and emotionaly abused me and hubs and others I am sure.
When he was so distraught earlier in the day or just using that as some kind of manipulation? His other tatics have stopped working on me to get his way or perceived help (fear, yelling, blaming, etc.). Is he trying in some way to manipulate using what he knows about my mental illness? Where is this rage coming from?
The abuse, lies, theft, destruction are no longer in my home. We were prisoners in our own home. Bolt locks on every interior door except d c s old room and bathroom. Lived like this for a few years. Locking our bolt on our bedroom door with dogs in room with us when we went to sleep. Eventually, leaving home with dogs when hubs went to work making d c leave when we were gone and me not returning until hubs called that he was home from work.
I do not say the above paragraph so you will feel sorry or bad that is not my intention at all, purely to give you some background.
Unsure if I should talk to him next time he is (I hate to say it) allegedly distraught? It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that d c would use his or my mental illness as a manipulation tool. Does he want me out of the picture even though he says he loves me? How can Difficult Child use such a horrible illness to manipulate? What happens if he takes his life during one of those desperate times and I refused to talk to him?
This feels wrong to say, but I wish d c was miles, miles, miles away rather than in the vicinity.
Hubs is not as far along on this journey with d c I try to remember that, although after this weekend I think he inched along a little further. We do agree that d c should not be around our house and it is to be enforced by police.
I do not think I have anymore to give d c has taken it all. If there is another d c "depressed crisis" I will simply say I am on the phone and be silent with the only response being "sorry about that" and "I love you goodbye" if I even talk to him at all.
I always thought losing a child would be the most difficult thing to endure, but my mom who lost her son my brother when he was almost 17, told me she thinks what we are going through with d c is just as hard and in some ways harder. By her saying that it makes me think maybe I am a little stronger than I thought.
This is so incredibly sad and difficult. I am trying to lovingly detach. It seems hubby is trying to say no and avoid.
Sorry this is so long and rambly, had a lot on my mind. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place.
Hugs,
Hopeful
Back up several years, mental illness is prevelant in my family. I have a mental illness and in and out of hospitals several times during my adult life and when kids were little. I am in recovery and I know that a relapse can happen at anytime, but over the years I have learned to get help early on and there times for whatever reason that I fail to do that and my safety net (hubs, parents, sis, friend, and now older son, doctor) will intervene. My reason for saying this is to give you the clear picture that my d c (diagnosed with mental illness very young and later diagnosed with mental illnesses) knows about the necessity to get help and there is help and you can lead a good life. Especially growing up so close to and even with m illnesses he probably has more knowledge than others his age.
Anyway time elapsed no contact for a while with the exception of him asking hubby or first born to tell me he loves me. Which is not often because they have minimal contact. D c calls this weekend I did not respond he calls hubby, he is crying mess asks to talk to me. I tell him he knows to get help and he knows how. He says I thought you would always talk to me when I am this bad. I said we are talking. Told him again he needed to get professional help and that je knows how. I told him things would be much better if he stopped posting the crap he was posting on fb and to walk away from people wanting to engage in violence. He said he felt like he did not have a family, this probably came from him not knowing about gmas 90th surprise birthday party. I told him if a family event was going to happen someone would let him know and get him there if he wanted to participate. He came to both Christmas celebrations and 1 of the Thanksgiving celebrations. (Just adding because it bugs me, he was to be in 1st borns wedding which was about a month before he was made to leave our home. His brother really wanted him to be in his wedding, 1st born all about family, very loving and caring young man. 1st born has always talked to, included, helped, protected d c and they were at one time very close. D c got fitted for tux never showed up for daytime wedding or evening reception, no phone call nothing. 1st born extremely hurt as he said "Mom I thought since we got tux for him and he got fitted he would come and I told him I really wanted him to be part of one of the most important days of my life") Sorry about that rant, it was really for all of family to deal with the hurt and knowing how deeply he hurt 1st born.) Wedding was most wonderful time me, my hubby and son getting married have had in a long time even with the no show we went on and had a wonderful, fun exciting time.
So I tell d c he does have a family that loves and cares for him. We hang up.
Later that evening we discover an extremely violent post on the internet, this is very disturbing and I am even ashamed to talk about it, but if I do not it will continue to be at the forefront of my mind haunting me. It shows my d c in a fight (nothing new) this was different the other guy fell to ground after several exchanged punches went into a fetal position d c continues to kick and punch, you can hear people calling d c to stop. I turned it off, I was extremely extremely upset, angry, disappointed, extremely ashamed as was hubby. 1st born told us that others had to pull d c off.
Knowing that my child is capable of that kind of violence............ I am distraught, numb I do not know how I feel.
D c just talked to me a few hours before "oh I am so depressed" .
Is this part of aspd (anti social personality disorder)? Where is this uncontrolled viciousness coming from? He has mentally and emotionaly abused me and hubs and others I am sure.
When he was so distraught earlier in the day or just using that as some kind of manipulation? His other tatics have stopped working on me to get his way or perceived help (fear, yelling, blaming, etc.). Is he trying in some way to manipulate using what he knows about my mental illness? Where is this rage coming from?
The abuse, lies, theft, destruction are no longer in my home. We were prisoners in our own home. Bolt locks on every interior door except d c s old room and bathroom. Lived like this for a few years. Locking our bolt on our bedroom door with dogs in room with us when we went to sleep. Eventually, leaving home with dogs when hubs went to work making d c leave when we were gone and me not returning until hubs called that he was home from work.
I do not say the above paragraph so you will feel sorry or bad that is not my intention at all, purely to give you some background.
Unsure if I should talk to him next time he is (I hate to say it) allegedly distraught? It is hard to wrap my brain around the fact that d c would use his or my mental illness as a manipulation tool. Does he want me out of the picture even though he says he loves me? How can Difficult Child use such a horrible illness to manipulate? What happens if he takes his life during one of those desperate times and I refused to talk to him?
This feels wrong to say, but I wish d c was miles, miles, miles away rather than in the vicinity.
Hubs is not as far along on this journey with d c I try to remember that, although after this weekend I think he inched along a little further. We do agree that d c should not be around our house and it is to be enforced by police.
I do not think I have anymore to give d c has taken it all. If there is another d c "depressed crisis" I will simply say I am on the phone and be silent with the only response being "sorry about that" and "I love you goodbye" if I even talk to him at all.
I always thought losing a child would be the most difficult thing to endure, but my mom who lost her son my brother when he was almost 17, told me she thinks what we are going through with d c is just as hard and in some ways harder. By her saying that it makes me think maybe I am a little stronger than I thought.
This is so incredibly sad and difficult. I am trying to lovingly detach. It seems hubby is trying to say no and avoid.
Sorry this is so long and rambly, had a lot on my mind. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place.
Hugs,
Hopeful
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