Beyond Friendship

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Nov 27, 2007.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    My best friend and I have a long involved history together. She may be 14 yrs my junior, but to each other we are not just friends, more like sisters. Sometimes the relationship gets stretched to mother/daughter.

    This may get long, but I've just spent an emotional 4 hours talking with her, and I have to get this out. So I apologize in advance.

    My friend doesn't have long to live. No, she hasn't be diagnosed with a life threatening disease. But she is dying none the less. I don't know if her death will be slow or if her life will be snuffed out without warning. But I know it is coming.

    My friend, I'll call her S, is diagnosed with bipolar/borderline. She's on so many medications I can't even name them all. She's an alcoholic and an addict. She's been hospitalized numerous times. She is a wife and a mother.

    As I watched her pass from alcoholism into serious drug use, on top of her medications, I began to distance myself. As her behavior became more and more unstable and off the wall, I distanced myself even more. I decided I was detaching because it was too painful to watch. Because when I met her, S was a healthy vibrant happy highly intelligent young wife and mother, who enjoyed a glass of wine before bed.

    It was too painful to watch her distroy herself. I was frustrated and angry that she wouldn't listen when we talked about what was happening. I was ready to give up. I avoided her calls which have been coming more and more frequently. Because you see when she's drugging she only thinks of her drugging friends, never of me.

    I don't know why I picked up the phone on the occasions when I did. Although I know that something pulled at my heart each time as I reached for the receiver. It didn't seem to matter that I was disgusted or angry. I mean, afterall, S should want to change her life, if not for herself then for her two boys.

    Now S can fool anyone she meets. If you saw her on the street you'd say, now that's such a nice good normal person. Her house is spotless. Her children are not abused nor neglected as you might think. S is good at holding up the facade.

    I didn't realize just how good until last night.

    I've know S's husband is abusive since I've known her, although at first she denied it. As the years have passed I've witnessed things done by this man that normal people would find hard to believe. I know this because I have also found it hard to believe. I've watched a master manipulator/sociopath at work. And only time made me realize just how utterly evil this man is.

    Oh, I've begged her to leave him. Her family has begged her to leave him. psychiatrists and tdocs have begged her to leave him.

    He left her once, about 5 yrs ago. (a manipulation tactic) After the initial hesterics we watched all of her "mental illness" symptoms fall away. But then of course he couldn't handle her being happy, so he had to come back.

    And OMG did it go downhill from there.

    I won't go into details, but it is much worse than I ever feared. This man has been manipulating and torturing (for lack of a better word) S since they met at age 12. All these years S has managed to keep the "normal" facade in tact. Until these past two years. That's when the drug use began, being admitted, you name it.

    I noticed a pattern and suspected her husband might be the cause.

    Little did I know.

    S is not living. S is not trying to survive. S is simply existing.

    Occassionally she attempts to get a backbone and step away from the drugs, try to get stable...... And he goes out and buys the drugs, pulls all sorts of insane stunts just to send her off the deep end again. (I've seen it many times)

    He's holding all sorts of things over her head. SSD fraud because their youngest is disabled and she began receiving payment while he was gone and never had it stopped because she was afraid he take off again. The drug use. And of course threatening to take the kids and all the usual stuff that goes along with classic domestic violence.

    Frankly, if the drugs don't kill her, her husband is going to eventually. He is as mentally unstable as they come. A true bonafid psychopath (diagnosed by several psychiatrists who have seen him). He enjoys torturing animals. He enjoys raping his wife while she sleeps as brutally as possible.

    Her husband thinks he's crafty and smart. Maybe he is. To anyone not close to the family, he has them convinced his wife is a nut case/drug addict and he's the victim. All while he has been denying them food ect for the past couple of months. (her mother has been bringing food over in small amts daily, and I did tonight) He won't give her any money. Then accuses her of stealing it. On and on.

    Cops won't come on another domestic violence call. Too much drama over the past 2 yrs. Would never lock the SOB up. She tried to go to the shelter once, but he followed her in spouting that she was suicidal blah blah blah and they refused to take her in.

    I'm not excusing her drug use. (alcohol stopped once the drugs started) But there is little chance of her getting sober in that house. And I'll be honest, if I was exposed to that man on a daily basis, I'd probably be smoking pot every chance too. Yes she has a problem. But I'm thinking it is currently a means to cope with H*ll on earth.

    So tonight I went to see her for the first time in a couple of months. And we talked. We discussed the drugs. We discussed the husband. We got it all on the table. There were many tears. For the first time what I said registered.

    I don't know where the words came from. They just came. I was blunt. I was honest. I told her it doesn't matter if her husband gets a wild hair and comes home and slices her throat, or if she purposely or accidentally OD's, she will still be very dead to those two boys who need her. That while I know some of the (you wouldn't believe it if I told you) things she's done over the years, it doesn't warrant her living H*ll on earth..... I've planted a seed, but I don't know if it was too late. Her husband has messed with her mind so much over the years......

    I'm scared, I'm worried. So much for detachment and disgust. Because despite it all, [email protected] it I want her to live.

    Please pray for this broken and wounded woman. The power of prayer and positive thoughts on this board is awesome. And my friend, my sister in my heart, needs all of the help she can get.
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm speechless. I can't imagine someone living like that. She will certainly be in my thoughts and prayers, as well as her children. I hope and pray someday she finds the strength to better her life and do whatever it takes to live.
  3. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    Hits very close to sister who is my best friend went and is going through this. Although I know she is no longer with a man who did all that and beat her, now she is with a man that beats her in other ways, just no bruises or scars on the outside to prove it.
    I too have detached. I love her beyond words but in the end it is a decision that she has to make.
    I hope your seed grows and I really truly hope that your friend finds a way out to live.

    You've done all that you can, you truly are a great friend.

  4. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Immediate prayers for your good friend.

    You may very well have been her angel.
  5. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I just sent up some prayers for your friend to find the strength and conniving efforts it will initially take to leave this man. I also sent up some prayers for you to have the strenght to continue to be a strong presence in her life - to always be honest with her because that is what she needs most: honesty and a connection to what is REAL in her life. God Bless.
  6. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Saying prayers for your friend and her kids, and you. God bless you.