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Beyond frustrated.... Rant
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 684446" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>It sounds to me like he knows that you are both beyond his trickery and is going to do what he pleases. This reminds me of my two, they would come home and put on a semblance of change for a bit, then their lifestyle and using would overrun everything. Then we got the entitlement jargon. "I am an adult, I will do what I want." My daughter actually uttered these words. It was not blatant at first, but gradually moved from sublimely ridiculous to outright crazy drama. We got so caught up in the turmoil and lies. What kept us in the game with Tornado, was the grands, she used our love for them to her advantage. We were way in over our heads.</p><p></p><p>Love for our d cs. It is a sad fact that they use this......and us.....to <em>keep using.</em> It is preposterous. We become the unknowing targets in the game and are conned by their stories, as well as our <em><strong>own hearts that blind us to</strong></em> what is really happening.</p><p>Be careful Colleen, because at this stage when our d cs realize they can't pull the wool over our eyes anymore, the behavior can ramp up. Your son has already stolen from you. He has stolen your good will and used your vulnerability and love for him. It is not such a big step for him to try and outright steal from you, many of us have experienced this. Please protect yourself, watch your credit cards and mail. Hide your jewelry, wallets, etc. It may seem like an unnesscessary thing, but unfortunately it happens. Our adult kids using, are <em>entirely different people than we would ever imagine.</em> </p><p>In my case, I feel my two have made us <em>non-people</em>. They do not view us as <em>people</em>, just <em>things</em> they can take advantage of. A using addict has no natural affection for their parents. We become <em>targets,</em> our own love for them overriding our good sense and judgement. While we struggle with the devastation of what is going on with the kids, become sad, worried, fretful, confused, all they are thinking about is their next high. The using "friends" they associate with become their family. We are reduced to people they are able to fool and manipulate. We become desperate in our efforts to save them. This is where they want us to be. Savior mode. In this mode, we disregard the clues, overrule our intuition that things have gone below and beyond normal.</p><p>Normal.</p><p>I remember trying to talk with Rain and share with her how hard this is on us. She looked at me with narrowed cold eyes and said with disgust, "I suppose you want a <em><strong>normal</strong></em> life." Like that is a horrible thing. In other words, working, being a productive citizen, paying bills, is something she <em><strong>despises</strong></em>. That is what we have been reduced to.</p><p>While you work through this, please be very careful. One cannot imagine our beloved children running over us with a<em> steam roller</em>, that's when we are most vulnerable to the machinations of their using.</p><p>I am so sorry it has come to this point for you. You are looking at this eyes wide open. It is frustrating and heart wrenching, but on the other hand you have an opportunity to help your sons by <em>not helping them</em>. It seems counter intuitive, <em><strong>but there is no saving someone who doesn't feel like they need saving</strong></em>. You and your sons are in a much better position than we were. You have this site and the good advice from folks who have been there, done that. It is the hardest education, but, your sons are young, and the advantage is in your court, to lovingly detach early on. I wish I had. We tried for too many years.</p><p>My two are in deep.</p><p>Mostly from their choices, but also because we stayed in<em> savior mode way too long</em>. In savior mode, they did not suffer the consequences of their choices, <em><strong>we did. They didn't care. They still do not care.</strong></em></p><p>That's because we showed them by our actions that we put their lives above and beyond ours. In our bending over backwards to try help them, we lost our good judgement, sensibility and really, self respect. They lost all respect for us, and thought nothing of lying, stealing, becoming verbally abusive, and unapologetic for their actions, going as far as blaming their choices on us.</p><p>It is a vicious game, the longer loving parents stay in the game, the worse it gets.</p><p>As you work through your feelings and think on what your next step is, if you reflect on one thing, I hope it is this. Take it from one mom to another. I wish I had lovingly detached earlier. Our staying in the game just prolonged the agony, for us and them. The more we helped, the more entitled they felt, the deeper they dove into using, dragging us along with them.</p><p>I hope my words have not offended you.</p><p>This is what we have gone through.</p><p>My two are 28 and 37.</p><p>I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and redo. I can't.</p><p>I can share my experience here, in hopes that it will help somone like you, staring at the face of this.</p><p>It is hard, but it is truly the most loving thing you can do to say</p><p>"No more."</p><p>My heart goes out to yours dear. It is a journey, but you have every advantage in turning this around for you. Hopefully your sons will wake up and understand the futility in their choices.</p><p>The only way we learn as humans, is to feel the consequences of our actions. In our homes, they do not feel their consequences....we do. </p><p>The only control we have is over ourselves. We cannot control our adult kids. </p><p>If only we could......</p><p>Hugs to you,</p><p>Leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 684446, member: 19522"] It sounds to me like he knows that you are both beyond his trickery and is going to do what he pleases. This reminds me of my two, they would come home and put on a semblance of change for a bit, then their lifestyle and using would overrun everything. Then we got the entitlement jargon. "I am an adult, I will do what I want." My daughter actually uttered these words. It was not blatant at first, but gradually moved from sublimely ridiculous to outright crazy drama. We got so caught up in the turmoil and lies. What kept us in the game with Tornado, was the grands, she used our love for them to her advantage. We were way in over our heads. Love for our d cs. It is a sad fact that they use this......and us.....to [I]keep using.[/I] It is preposterous. We become the unknowing targets in the game and are conned by their stories, as well as our [I][B]own hearts that blind us to[/B][/I] what is really happening. Be careful Colleen, because at this stage when our d cs realize they can't pull the wool over our eyes anymore, the behavior can ramp up. Your son has already stolen from you. He has stolen your good will and used your vulnerability and love for him. It is not such a big step for him to try and outright steal from you, many of us have experienced this. Please protect yourself, watch your credit cards and mail. Hide your jewelry, wallets, etc. It may seem like an unnesscessary thing, but unfortunately it happens. Our adult kids using, are [I]entirely different people than we would ever imagine.[/I] In my case, I feel my two have made us [I]non-people[/I]. They do not view us as [I]people[/I], just [I]things[/I] they can take advantage of. A using addict has no natural affection for their parents. We become [I]targets,[/I] our own love for them overriding our good sense and judgement. While we struggle with the devastation of what is going on with the kids, become sad, worried, fretful, confused, all they are thinking about is their next high. The using "friends" they associate with become their family. We are reduced to people they are able to fool and manipulate. We become desperate in our efforts to save them. This is where they want us to be. Savior mode. In this mode, we disregard the clues, overrule our intuition that things have gone below and beyond normal. Normal. I remember trying to talk with Rain and share with her how hard this is on us. She looked at me with narrowed cold eyes and said with disgust, "I suppose you want a [I][B]normal[/B][/I] life." Like that is a horrible thing. In other words, working, being a productive citizen, paying bills, is something she [I][B]despises[/B][/I]. That is what we have been reduced to. While you work through this, please be very careful. One cannot imagine our beloved children running over us with a[I] steam roller[/I], that's when we are most vulnerable to the machinations of their using. I am so sorry it has come to this point for you. You are looking at this eyes wide open. It is frustrating and heart wrenching, but on the other hand you have an opportunity to help your sons by [I]not helping them[/I]. It seems counter intuitive, [I][B]but there is no saving someone who doesn't feel like they need saving[/B][/I]. You and your sons are in a much better position than we were. You have this site and the good advice from folks who have been there, done that. It is the hardest education, but, your sons are young, and the advantage is in your court, to lovingly detach early on. I wish I had. We tried for too many years. My two are in deep. Mostly from their choices, but also because we stayed in[I] savior mode way too long[/I]. In savior mode, they did not suffer the consequences of their choices, [I][B]we did. They didn't care. They still do not care.[/B][/I] That's because we showed them by our actions that we put their lives above and beyond ours. In our bending over backwards to try help them, we lost our good judgement, sensibility and really, self respect. They lost all respect for us, and thought nothing of lying, stealing, becoming verbally abusive, and unapologetic for their actions, going as far as blaming their choices on us. It is a vicious game, the longer loving parents stay in the game, the worse it gets. As you work through your feelings and think on what your next step is, if you reflect on one thing, I hope it is this. Take it from one mom to another. I wish I had lovingly detached earlier. Our staying in the game just prolonged the agony, for us and them. The more we helped, the more entitled they felt, the deeper they dove into using, dragging us along with them. I hope my words have not offended you. This is what we have gone through. My two are 28 and 37. I wish that I could turn back the hands of time and redo. I can't. I can share my experience here, in hopes that it will help somone like you, staring at the face of this. It is hard, but it is truly the most loving thing you can do to say "No more." My heart goes out to yours dear. It is a journey, but you have every advantage in turning this around for you. Hopefully your sons will wake up and understand the futility in their choices. The only way we learn as humans, is to feel the consequences of our actions. In our homes, they do not feel their consequences....we do. The only control we have is over ourselves. We cannot control our adult kids. If only we could...... Hugs to you, Leafy [/QUOTE]
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