Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Beyond heartbroken right now....
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="TargetPractice" data-source="post: 701060" data-attributes="member: 20771"><p>[USER=1631]@Wiped Out[/USER], thank you for the kind thoughts, those hugs really do help.</p><p></p><p>[USER=11227]@Malika[/USER], fair question, no offense taken <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" />. Unfortunately difficult child has a 10 year history of violence towards his siblings and others, he is diagnosed with childhood onset conduct disorder and has not responded to therapy. His first incident: at the age of 4 I had to stop him from shaking his then-infant sister because he was mad I was making her a bottle instead of putting on a video he wanted to watch. Currently, he has been attacking his brother on the school bus, I believe due to jealousy (younger boy is a star student, very well behaved; difficult boy, well, isn't). In between.....too many to count. Attacks on people, animal abuse, property damage, theft, manipulation and more. He has yet to show any remorse or acknowledge that his violent actions are inappropriate. Our eventual goal is to bring him back in, but all of us, including his siblings need a break, and to feel safe. We all need space to lick our wounds and heal.</p><p>To be fair to husband, he admits what he did, he shows genuine remorse, and is willing to give counseling a try. If I can give my child 10 years of second chances, I can give my husband one second chance.</p><p></p><p>[USER=12511]@ksm[/USER], that was a major factor in my decision to send boy to my parents. Not only is he physically abusive to his brother and sister, he is also an "angel" of drama and toxicity. He has been telling them stories about how I supposedly hate all of them, that every time he gets in trouble I "beat him up" (we don't use physical discipline at all), that I'm a bad person and everything I say is a lie (views he gets from his father, he's practically a clone, they even use the same manipulation tactics). He also tells them each lies about the other, driving wedges there, too. So he is also actively attempting to damage other relationships in our family as well. </p><p></p><p>[USER=1550]@SomewhereOutThere[/USER], unfortunately the biological father has his own serious issues, and prefers to spy and stalk rather than communicate directly. He does not acknowledge that boy has behavior problems, and believes that I somehow manipulated all the educated professionals (one of whom I never actually met) who had a hand in my son's diagnoses. As much as I would like to parent cooperatively, it is impossible with that man.</p><p>While I have never attempted to put my husband in a father-supplanting role, I have always insisted that he be shown respect as an adult and co-head of the household; as my partner, his instructions are as valid as any that come from me. More an extension of my parental authority than anything else. So far, we have avoided the whole "you're not my real dad, I don't have to listen to you" problem. The kids love him, and even difficult boy responds better to him than he does to me, oddly enough.</p><p>Boy is 14, and his first 8 years were rough. They actually still are. The psychologist believes that his adjustment disorder is being repeatedly triggered by the drastic difference between my home (structure, routines, consequences and expectations) and his father's home (no supervision, parentalization, no consistency) every time they have visitation, at minimum once a week.</p><p></p><p>Now, the touchy issue: First, I understand that everyone who has responded here is coming from a place of kindness, concern, experience, and/or desire to help, and I appreciate all of you. I value the opinions of everyone here, and have nothing but respect, gratitude and love for everyone here. </p><p></p><p>Believe me, I am very angry and hurt by what my husband did, and I know that my choice to proceed cautiously with counseling is not a popular one. I have reservations too, having been down the abuse road with my kids' father. I do feel that a person who has never shown any kind of violent or abusive tendency in the past can make a mistake once, especially under exceptional stress, without that defining who and what they are. I wouldn't want to be defined by a mistake I made once, and I try not to do that to anyone, much less someone I care about.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="TargetPractice, post: 701060, member: 20771"] [USER=1631]@Wiped Out[/USER], thank you for the kind thoughts, those hugs really do help. [USER=11227]@Malika[/USER], fair question, no offense taken :). Unfortunately difficult child has a 10 year history of violence towards his siblings and others, he is diagnosed with childhood onset conduct disorder and has not responded to therapy. His first incident: at the age of 4 I had to stop him from shaking his then-infant sister because he was mad I was making her a bottle instead of putting on a video he wanted to watch. Currently, he has been attacking his brother on the school bus, I believe due to jealousy (younger boy is a star student, very well behaved; difficult boy, well, isn't). In between.....too many to count. Attacks on people, animal abuse, property damage, theft, manipulation and more. He has yet to show any remorse or acknowledge that his violent actions are inappropriate. Our eventual goal is to bring him back in, but all of us, including his siblings need a break, and to feel safe. We all need space to lick our wounds and heal. To be fair to husband, he admits what he did, he shows genuine remorse, and is willing to give counseling a try. If I can give my child 10 years of second chances, I can give my husband one second chance. [USER=12511]@ksm[/USER], that was a major factor in my decision to send boy to my parents. Not only is he physically abusive to his brother and sister, he is also an "angel" of drama and toxicity. He has been telling them stories about how I supposedly hate all of them, that every time he gets in trouble I "beat him up" (we don't use physical discipline at all), that I'm a bad person and everything I say is a lie (views he gets from his father, he's practically a clone, they even use the same manipulation tactics). He also tells them each lies about the other, driving wedges there, too. So he is also actively attempting to damage other relationships in our family as well. [USER=1550]@SomewhereOutThere[/USER], unfortunately the biological father has his own serious issues, and prefers to spy and stalk rather than communicate directly. He does not acknowledge that boy has behavior problems, and believes that I somehow manipulated all the educated professionals (one of whom I never actually met) who had a hand in my son's diagnoses. As much as I would like to parent cooperatively, it is impossible with that man. While I have never attempted to put my husband in a father-supplanting role, I have always insisted that he be shown respect as an adult and co-head of the household; as my partner, his instructions are as valid as any that come from me. More an extension of my parental authority than anything else. So far, we have avoided the whole "you're not my real dad, I don't have to listen to you" problem. The kids love him, and even difficult boy responds better to him than he does to me, oddly enough. Boy is 14, and his first 8 years were rough. They actually still are. The psychologist believes that his adjustment disorder is being repeatedly triggered by the drastic difference between my home (structure, routines, consequences and expectations) and his father's home (no supervision, parentalization, no consistency) every time they have visitation, at minimum once a week. Now, the touchy issue: First, I understand that everyone who has responded here is coming from a place of kindness, concern, experience, and/or desire to help, and I appreciate all of you. I value the opinions of everyone here, and have nothing but respect, gratitude and love for everyone here. Believe me, I am very angry and hurt by what my husband did, and I know that my choice to proceed cautiously with counseling is not a popular one. I have reservations too, having been down the abuse road with my kids' father. I do feel that a person who has never shown any kind of violent or abusive tendency in the past can make a mistake once, especially under exceptional stress, without that defining who and what they are. I wouldn't want to be defined by a mistake I made once, and I try not to do that to anyone, much less someone I care about. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
General Parenting
Beyond heartbroken right now....
Top