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Beyond selfish
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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 669699" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>He sure knows how to push the right buttons, doesn't he? They can be such masters at that. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is going to sound unusual, but I've come to believe that hope can be an enemy when it comes to learning to detach. Before you hit me over the head, I'm not saying things are hopeless -- because they're not. Case in point: Last night my Youngest texted me "I hope you know how wonderful you are." Ten years ago, she was just out of residential treatment for out of control Bipolar behavior, and went right back to skipping school , getting caught smoking pot in the school parking lot, disappearing on the weekends, drinking, putting Lord knows what up her nose, and blaming me for all her problems. All my hope of change while she was in RT was smashed -- especially when she dropped out of high school the next spring. But today, she just blows me away with her maturity, her true gratitude towards me, and her ever-increasing responsible self. </p><p></p><p>That fall after her residential treatment was one of many turning points for me. I truly had done everything possible to help her, and it didn't work. I was done hoping for better, hope wasn't helping me. I had to just deal with what was right there in front of me, on any particular day, and not think about the future at all (good or bad). I didn't dare "hope" for anything, because there was just no telling what the future held. If she had a good day, a goood week, I had to take it as it was .. a good day or week. Not go down that 'OMG she's changing! YAY!" road because I inevitably was disappointed. And in the same way, I had to not think about the bad days as the end of the world. They were bad days, bad weeks, but were no predictor of the future. I also had to learn not to take it all pesonally -- these were HER choices, not mine. I did everything I could. I gave her the right tools. She just chose not to use them. And the consequences were hers, not mine. So I learned to say many of the things CoM listed above .. and it helped. </p><p></p><p>This is truly what Al-Anon (and AA) means when they say, "one day at a time." So, I believe now that while we certainly 'hope" things will change, we have to learn to stop putting so much invstment in that hope .. let it go. Not give up, mind you, but just let go. If you believe in a higher power, put it in their hands. Someone once gave me the image of wrapping my Youngest in her childhood "blankie," and handing her over to God to take care of. That helped me a great deal on some very rough nights. </p><p></p><p>Hugs to you. Please take care of yourself.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 669699, member: 1157"] He sure knows how to push the right buttons, doesn't he? They can be such masters at that. This is going to sound unusual, but I've come to believe that hope can be an enemy when it comes to learning to detach. Before you hit me over the head, I'm not saying things are hopeless -- because they're not. Case in point: Last night my Youngest texted me "I hope you know how wonderful you are." Ten years ago, she was just out of residential treatment for out of control Bipolar behavior, and went right back to skipping school , getting caught smoking pot in the school parking lot, disappearing on the weekends, drinking, putting Lord knows what up her nose, and blaming me for all her problems. All my hope of change while she was in RT was smashed -- especially when she dropped out of high school the next spring. But today, she just blows me away with her maturity, her true gratitude towards me, and her ever-increasing responsible self. That fall after her residential treatment was one of many turning points for me. I truly had done everything possible to help her, and it didn't work. I was done hoping for better, hope wasn't helping me. I had to just deal with what was right there in front of me, on any particular day, and not think about the future at all (good or bad). I didn't dare "hope" for anything, because there was just no telling what the future held. If she had a good day, a goood week, I had to take it as it was .. a good day or week. Not go down that 'OMG she's changing! YAY!" road because I inevitably was disappointed. And in the same way, I had to not think about the bad days as the end of the world. They were bad days, bad weeks, but were no predictor of the future. I also had to learn not to take it all pesonally -- these were HER choices, not mine. I did everything I could. I gave her the right tools. She just chose not to use them. And the consequences were hers, not mine. So I learned to say many of the things CoM listed above .. and it helped. This is truly what Al-Anon (and AA) means when they say, "one day at a time." So, I believe now that while we certainly 'hope" things will change, we have to learn to stop putting so much invstment in that hope .. let it go. Not give up, mind you, but just let go. If you believe in a higher power, put it in their hands. Someone once gave me the image of wrapping my Youngest in her childhood "blankie," and handing her over to God to take care of. That helped me a great deal on some very rough nights. Hugs to you. Please take care of yourself. [/QUOTE]
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