Beyond Worried

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by T Rene', Dec 13, 2016.

  1. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    I do not know wat to do any more ...Its getting cold ... my 28 yr old son sends me messages saying he is just gonna freeze to death because he refuses to get a job & fix his home that is paid off ... (because his wife left him) So there are to many memories there He says hes clean ... but his actions speek for their self ... He calls me B...h ... because I cant allow him to sleep on my couch While I GET UP & go to work ! Everyday! I have begged him to go get help ... He sees No problem... What do I Do ...anymore but Worry?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't worry. He's playing games with you and has a paid up house to go to. He isn't homeless and he isn't going to freeze to death (but it's a good manipulation).

    You can't make him get help and have no obligation to let him sleep on your couch.

    You don't know if he is clean. Why won't he work?

    He has no right to ever call you a B#@$%&. Take back your self respect.

    All in all, you are probably worrying for nothing. He knows how to survive. Difficult kids are good at surviving.

    I would tell him he has a house to go to, you are sorry it makes him sad, but he can't stay with you. Tell him you love him then go to work. You need to protect yourself from his manipulations and attempts to control you.

    Be very good to yourself. Maybe sleep with your phone off. Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    T Rene

    I have to agree with SWOT. He is too old to be asking mommy for anything.

    If he's an addict he needs help and he has to drive that.

    You need to live YOUR life and practice detachment.

    We are here for you.
    :staystrong:
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Well...he could sell the house and move elsewhere, but hello, we all have to work!

    Gee, with no house payment he wouldn't even have to make much to live.

    Who knows if he's clean..he's not thinking clearly. Tell him this b__!!_, has done all you can do!

    Take care of yourself...the worry sucks...trust me I know.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  5. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank Y'all Im trying so hard to be ok
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I think it boils down to him not wanting to be alone right now. He's obviously depressed because his wife left. I can understand why the home he shared with her is painful for him to live in now that they are no longer together. But, it's paid off. I don't know how much work needs to be done on the house. I get the idea the furnace is broken. Is that why he mentioned freezing to death? I don't know how safe kerosene heaters are, but they put out a lot of heat. If he gets a job, having the money to re-decorate the house or remodel it would erase some of the reminders. Of course, that is costly, even for someone who is employed. I think he is feeling a lot of loneliness and anxiety and has become sort of child-like. Some people get like that when they're scared. But, you've been there for him all along. At some point, he has to move back in to his house. It's going to make him remember the good times and bad times with his wife. It will be painful. There are people who can help him get through this. He needs to see a therapist to learn how to handle his loneliness, depression, and anxiety so that he can work towards healing. There are divorce recovery support groups and AA.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  7. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Ohh no his heater works fine ...& he has a fireplace ... he is saying he will live on his motorcycle & freeze to death before he goes back home :( He only needs to pay his light bill
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  8. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    This is wat Im dealing with ... I cant understand
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    He's throwing a toddler tantrum to get you to let him on your couch. Sounds like he is expecting you to make him feel better because his wife left him, most probably because he wouldn't support her or he took drugs or something else not great.

    He has a motorcycle too with no job. Not working has been profitable for him. Did someone else buy it for him? Does he have a car?

    He REALLY needs to grow up. If you can, you may want to go to an Al Anon group. I know for sure that you give your son all these things out of guilt and love, but he isn't learning to sustain himself and talks to you like he is still a child who can't take care of himself.

    Treating him as if he can't do anything for himself feeds into his beliefs both that you owe him because you're "mommy" and that he IS helpless unless you take care of him.

    He is heading quickly toward 30. Perhaps you need to consider letting go of his problems and let him find his life path himself. You have a life too that is not his life and you deserve to enjoy your life even if your son won't do what he needs to do to grow up and enjoy his. You can still be happy even if he struggles.

    That's where Al Anon is awesome in my opinion. There is support and wisdom there. Private therapy for yourself to help you cope is also often very good. Detaching with love is a good thing for both of you also in my opinion. You are too involved in his life. He may be emotionally twelve, but in everyone's eyes he is a man. He has to catch up to his age. He won't if you lovingly buy him all he needs. It's okay for him to have it tough. The hard stuff teaches us the best lessons :)

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2016
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Can you clarify? You infer he has/has been drug dependent. What is your concern, specifically?

    If it were me I would call the crisis line at mental health or the police, actually, I would call both. I would tell them that your son is making suicidal statements, is depressed, and you believe his life is at stake. Tell them you fear that he is intentionally trying to freeze to death in his home. People do freeze to death in unheated houses. This can be viewed as a suicidal statement. Somebody trained will evaluate him to see if he is suicidal or gravely disabled. He may require hospitalization. He definitely requires treatment. Even if drugs are involved (especially) his statements need to be responded to with action.

    If these are only manipulative statements, to get you to do what he wants, he will learn that you will not respond to manipulation. Instead, you will advocate that he gets the services he the statements he is making bring forth. Take him seriously, and let him deal with the consequences.
    I do too. That is why I think there needs to be evaluation and intervention by somebody who is a trained professional.

    Meanwhile, you would have done something to help yourself, too.

    If he needs support by family, is there a way that you could spend time with him away from the house, your house or his house. For XMAS, perhaps, you might consider paying the light bill, this one time if your funds permit. You might have with you a list of phone numbers and addresses of agencies, 12 step groups and perhaps a religious organization, if he is so inclined. If he is financially stressed, perhaps you can go with him to request financial assistance/subsidy at your local electric/gas company. There should be such a subsidy available. I forgot if he is working, if he holds a job, and whether he is going.

    I was depressed once, when I owned a house, and no real savings. Eventually I had to go to work. But some people lose everything. You as his mother might want to consider another option, if it is determined that he cannot function right now.

    If he is seriously impaired, right now, by mental illness, or a combination of substance use and mental illness. you might want to, under certain circumstance, help him protect his house, his asset. I do not know what that would look like, as I do not know his circumstances or your own. But I believe that there might be some circumstances I might support a loved one, to save themselves, if they were impaired by mental illness, and unable to protect themselves.

    Some posters may say this is enabling, but this is your own call to make. Nobody has a right to decide what is correct in your situation, for you, except you. You live with you and you live with the consequences. Nobody else does. Except your child.

    I suggest that you get help too. This is stressful for a mother. County Mental Health or community clinics are options.

    Take care.
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2016
  11. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    He has been evaluated 3 different time ...I tried to have him court ordered to rehab ... In three different counties ! He has fooled them each time ... I called the law on him for a wellness ck over threats ... they took his pistol & released him ... I have tried all that I can possibly thk of as his mother:) & He bought his Motorcycle while he worked a gud job until he got out there on watever it is he has gotten into ... He was buying his house as well ... thats why I pd it off Because he was goin to loose it & Yes that is why his wife left ... We cld not beg him to work ... after watever he got a hold of ... within 6 mths time He guit doing anythg he is supposed to do as a man
     
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Drugs?

    Hey lots of people lose a home. We lost one and we're still standing. Long story but moved on and nobody helped and life is still good. Life is what you make of it. Throwing money at your son...the money solution, so to speak, doesn't do squat. Just makes you're broke.
     
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I think "tough love" is harder on moms than it is on our adult Difficult Child but it is really what they need.
     
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Look. That you called for evaluations before, and they did not pan out, is not a reason to stop calling. Every single time. People need to be held responsible for their words, threats and actions. If he says something suicidal or dangerous, call the authorities.

    The entire problem needs to be solved within you, I believe. How you think about your power or your responsibility towards your adult son. And how I do, as well. You paid off the house for him. Did it help?

    Is the house in his own name or yours? If it was in my own name, I would save it. And I would try to work on my own illusions and fantasies that I can do anything at all to save my child.

    I do believe in support. But if your son is a drug addict, your choices are more circumscribed. If I were in your shoes, I would go to Al Anon, (and I am going to go too.).

    A lot of people have come back from losing houses. I did too. But each of us here on CD speaks from our own stories. Each of us has our own wounds, hurts, prejudices, limits, bitterness. Nobody should tell you what to do or how to think.

    Because you have the power to develop your own strengths and voice.

    It is not the advice and counsel you receive here on CD that will help you find your way, the way to be in relation to yourself, your own life, and your child. What will help is to continue posting and posting on your own threads and offering your support and experience on other threads, too. And in other similar activities such as Al Anon.

    Take care.
     
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    There is nothing, it seems, that YOU can do anymore, except call 911 if he makes suicidal statements, and to be a loving mother to him, in the ways that he permits. By that, I mean, he does not permit you to be a loving mother, if he attempts to manipulate you through fear and guilt. He is not permitting you to be a loving mother if he is in a drugged state in your presence. He is not permitting you to be a loving mother if he accuses you and harasses you by constant texts or phone calls.

    These are his choices over which you have no control or responsibility. The only thing any one of us can do is to draw a line, to protect ourselves, and try to live well, so as to feel valuable and worthy and useful, with full lives. That is where you are now: Deciding what you need and must do to not feel that he controls you, that your center of gravity is not completely dependent upon him, what he says and what he does.

    Almost every one of us that posts on CD has been in your place, and most still are, sometimes, or all of the time.

    I hope you keep posting. You will find your strength here, if you keep posting.
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Have you attended a 12 step group, such as Al Anon or Coda or Families Anonymous, or with another focus? There is the concept of "hitting bottom." Nobody can make a net for another adult. That is what each of us mothers struggles with. Because we feel ourselves as if falling with our children. That is the purpose of CD as I see it. To find our stable ground, and permit our children to live their lives. This takes a lot of different forms.

    We differ as to how, when, what this looks like, with respect to what we do and how we respond to our children. This is for you to figure out, with as much support as you can find.

    Remember the hymn, Amazing Grace? I once was lost but now I'm found....Sometimes, the only place we find to stand is in faith. Prayer. Sometimes there is not one other thing that we find we can do.

    Take care.
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 1
    • List
  17. T Rene'

    T Rene' Member

    Thank you to the bottom of my heart... I appreciate all of your thoughts I read