Big decision to be made.

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Littleboylost, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Along with the challenges I face with my Difficult Child. I have had my mother pass away in May. I am Co Executor with my brother. There is a tremendous amount of family discourse. No one in the family speaks to my brother due to past bad behaviour. So I am the intermediary between the estate and family.
    My brother is a very toxic and negative person and the process of having to deal with him is exhausting. I am contemplating relinquishing my co executorship with him. I simply do not have the energy to cope with his crap. If I do this it will be a very strained situation for communication regarding the estsate moving forward.
    He had an estate lawyer for my father's affairs which were a messy affair due to theft, lying and infighting by family members. This law firm declined to work further with the family in any capacity due to the poor dynamics.

    We do have a law firm on board and my brother sent communication to then without conferring with me first. There were clarifications I felt necessary and I made them. He went all ape poop and began accusing me of colluding with other family members to not provide information required to clear the accounts and put the Will through probate.

    He constantly rages and acuses various family members of theft of particular items from the family home. Items were taken and money stolen. However there is no way of proving who took what and to me it is all sadly water under the bridge. As we can not prove who did what, we need to move forward and act on my mother's will in a legal and reasonable manner.

    He is determined to find fault and fraudulent activity with my 2 sisters who were POAs for my mother. I do not believe they did any miscarriages of any sort while managing my mother's affairs. Because of my brothers nature they declined to cooperate with providing complete accounting documents without a letter from the lawyers office outlining what is needed. Simply put we need to request a letter be sent to them from the law firm. He did this in a very inflammatory fashion and again not approving the communication with me prior to sending it. He is now accusing me of colluding with family and preventing this process from moving forward.

    It is a matter of dambed if I do damned if I don't.

    My mother suffered from Alzheimer's and if she was in her right mind she would have amended her will to remove my brother. He was very verbally abusive to my parents. My father had a complete breakdown of relationship with my brother and stopped all communication with him before he passsed away.

    He feels he is charge and in control and is going to get even with all the wrong that was done to him. He rants about personal injustices going as far back as childhood. I think he needs therapy. Good grief!

    Anyone have any experience or suggestions here?
     
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I do not have any advice. Your situation will be my situation when my mother passes. My brother has already started marking his territory. It will be a huge mess. My brother's main objection is that my mother left everything to my nephew. It is her money and she can do what she wants.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think its a bad idea to make one child executor of the will. My father did this and I trust my brother to do the right thing although we dont talk much. And when my mother passed I talked to a lawyer friend but decided to not challenge anything as my mother truly did not like me and it was her right to disinherit me. I didnt even read the will. I let it go. I would have appreciated a copy of the will, but it never came. So be it. She had abused me from infancy on. This was her kiss off from the grave. In her life, she was a nasty piece of work to me. And I dared to challenge her. So she did what she did...hurtful, but not unexpected.

    However, I do have a decent relationship with my father and he has left me 1/3 of anything he has left when he passes. If I dont get my part in a timely fashion, we will go after things with our lawyer friend.i hope it goes smoothly and I receive a copy of the will and what my father wants me to have, even if most of it is used up. In fact, this time I will make sure my interests and my fathers wishes are honored in the proper time frame. If there are delays, I expect to know why. It is my sister I dont trust and although I dont think my brother will be influenced by her, but I am taking no chances. Not this time.

    It will be my last correspondence with my siblings and I am eager to have no ties to Sis for the rest of my life. This suspicion happens when siblings are in charge of wills and dont all get along.

    I feel it is unfair for a parent to put this responsibility on a child. If you cant handle it, hire a lawyer. Yes, you will have to use some assets to pay. But in my opinion the peace of mind is worth it.

    I dont know why some people turn death into ugliness unless you are truly being withheld info or truly expect being cheated. Even then, deal through your lawyers. Ihave a lawyer in charge of my will.

    I am sorry for this pain in the neck.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2017
  4. mcdonna

    mcdonna Active Member

    So sorry to hear of your mother's passing. Along with the grieving, you are left with the messy estate cleanup.

    Part of me wants to tell you to run away but the other part says that this is too important of a job to leave in your brother's hands. You are most likely correct that if your mom was in good mental health, she would have not had your brother as an executor.

    I have executed several estates but all were done peacefully and amicably. However, my grandmother's estate was something else. My father and his sister were named executors. One of the "half-brothers" got it in his mind that terrible atrocities had been committed in the administration of the will. The probate had to be unsealed and reviewed by the court. It was determined all was legal but he was never happy and dragged it on and on for years.

    I have always believed that the biggest and last gift we can give our parents after their death (if asked to do so), is to administer their estate as they wanted it to be. Your brother's opinion of you (and his siblings) is of no matter - clearly he would have had these opinions regardless of being a co-executor. Sadly, in your case, legal fees are probably going to eat up so much of the estate if the arguing can't be stopped. But in this case, I would likely get a new legal consultation and see if this can be handled by the lawyer and/or judge/court official in order to expedite probate. If your brother continues to put up roadblocks, perhaps the court could assess his "mental status" and force a move forward on this?

    Once you get probate, distribute the assets and 'get out of Dodge'!

    Just my two cents worth. Not sure if it helps at all.
     
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  5. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    We have a lawyer in place. I would not deal with my brother or family without one involved. The will needs to pass probate and the bank stated they require this before they will release any funds to trust. This is due to family discourse and in fighting pre and post my father's death. My one brother and sister forged cheques and took money from the estate accounts. My poor father could not even write his own name due to a stroke and my sister used his debit card to extract more cash the day before he died (she is being investigated for elder abuse and professional misconduct as she is a nurse). Breaks my heart. My brother who is determined to witch hunt my sisters who were POS for my mom is a bit off his rocker. My sisters are older and well meaning both are sick. One with MS and the other with lung disease and multiple myeloma. They did what they felt was appropriate and managed my mother's affairs very well. They did the best they could and ensured she was safe and well cared for and as Alzheimer's debilitated my aging mother.

    I have decided to remain on as co executor ...sigh... as I believe my brother is acting the way he is towards me to have me step off. I told him if his behavior did not stop and the accusations of wrong doing did not stop that I would have the lawyer act as intermediary between us and have no direct contact with him. Given that no one else in the family will speak to him he is on thin ice. He calmed down and I have not had any harrasing accusatory e mails or texts today. Man life gets nuts!

    I am sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother. My father was a hard man on my mother. He was furious when we had my mother put in a care home. He only wanted her there because he could lot manage without her. He bossed her around and ran her ragged even when she was failing herself. She was mentally broken and chronically depressed and a hoarder all her life. May she be at peace in the hands of her God. My dad mellowed with age but was a demanding bugger right to the end. I think my brother has unaddressed mental issues he is rediculously paranoid and comes up with some wacky accusations. I will find the strength. At least it keeps my mind off my son
    :hangoversmiley:
     
  6. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    thanks McD this is most helpful. I have decided I need to remain on. The process of probate in in execution by a law firm. The clearing of accounts from my sisters time as POA is in process. This is what my brother wants to dig into for no valid reason. I told him there is no reason to spend dollars chasing dimes. I harbor no ill will towards my sisters and know they did the best for my mom and did not misappropriate any of her funds. My brother has it in his head that they did for some odd reason. He gets along with no one in the family and no one will speak to him. I have my work cut out for me. I agree a good chunk of the estate will be chewed up by legal fees. It is what it is. I will honor my mother's final wishes.
     
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    No firsthand experience, although I suspect there will be similar difficulties when my mom passes. My brother was always the golden boy, with everyone seeing his charm, but he's awful to Mom. So he is not in charge - I am.

    It will go one of two ways. He'll either walk away and leave it all for me, or he'll be in my back pocket and I'll have to fight for every tiny decision and the origins of soup plates that really should go to one of his kids because...

    I'm sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and strength to make it through.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh ya....infighting over trinkets and trash and spending dollars chasing dimes. Probate will not be long. The terminal taxes and clearance form from the government can be up to a year and then we can distribute the funds as my mother saw fit to do.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My brotheris an angel. He really is. I doubt hr said a mean word to anyone in his life. Im just glad that my severely anorexic and more...whatever else (nasty to me) sister has no power. Big relief. Dad was smart to put bro in charge, really. As i type this, dealing with Dad in hospital for broken hip. So unfair.. he should not have to be old and frail. Up until last year he was up and dancing with women...I am a wreck. Called him, talked mostly to his caregiver...surgery tomorrow...but still brave enough to tell me "Dont worry. Im ok." But of course I am worried.

    On the other part of my message, My mom had her mental health issues too...always suspected borderline traits (many) and anxiety, and meanness to those whom were not on her "100%all good people" list...but that is over. I am not angry at Mother anymore. I feel we resolved our issues through an awesome psychic mediuim (long story). I am at peace with her and love her dearly now.

    I shudder thinking of peoples own children manipulating their last days to get money from confused parents. Is that all their parents meant to them? Money? Its so wrong. I am so sorry. I wish you well.
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2017
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh SWOT my sister is not well and I feel evil to the core it scares me that she is a nurse but with how the investigation is going she will not be for long. She actually started feeding my father alcohol after years of sobriety. He had so many admissions to hospital once she became involved with him that I called and asked the hospital to do alcohol levels on my dad on every admission. His doctor agreed and low and behold his alcohol levels were sky high. We had a court order put in place to prevent my sister from taking my mother from her nursing home and taking both of my parents out of town. She was plotting to extricate both parents to her home and I am certain she would have neglected them and blown through their savings. My father died before we could complete the process of having her removed from caring for him all together. He was old but she made his last year of life hell.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lbl, yes, your sister is scary and evil. I dont get along with my sister, but she would never physically harm anyone. Nor would any of the three of us harm our parents...ever.

    That is so scary for you. And for them.

    Our problems are limited to verbal tiffs mostly. They seem minor when I read your story.

    Much love and light and take care of yourself. Please!
     
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    SWOT I had a good friend tell me I look like absolute :censored2: today. I have decided it is time to get out of the pit. My son is texting and calling and begging and I am not answering. I am looking into a retreat for myself.
     
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  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sounds like murder to me!
     
  14. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Exactly! The authorities would not intervene which is why we went the court order route. My Dad was old but he didn't deserve to pass the way he did. Sheer evil. She dragged him from his family lawyer to a new lawyer to rewrite his will and make herself sole Power of Atourney. It was a truly horrific time. When my father passed which still haunts me to his day; his estate passed to my mother. My sister had no access to my mother at this point thank goodness for that!!
     
  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member


    That is the best idea I've heard in a long time!!
     
  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I'm so sorry about your mother's passing. ((HUGS))

    I'm glad you decided to remain. You are likely the only one with a level head. I know it will be difficult to get through but it's for the best.
    When you feel like your strength is failing remember all of us here standing behind you and supporting you.
    :group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug:
     
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  17. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Thank you!