Bio dad

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Sep 21, 2010.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I posted earlier this year about easy child 1's bio dad suddenly appearing after 22 years absence. My mom says he only "came out" because my dad is gone.

    He has continued to lead easy child 1 to beleive that his absence was because he didn't know about easy child 1. As easy child 1 is building relationships with other members of the family (bio dad's siblings, parents, etc - some of which seem to be very nice people), he's learning, even from them, that many of them knew, and bio dad demanded that no one pursue it. He's (rightfully) angry.

    easy child 1 has half-siblings that are not very impressed with his sudden intrusion into their world. Bio dad's wife isn't, either. easy child 1 has been open with the siblings (who are young adults) but they refuse to respond to him. He asked bio dad what was going, and bio dad refuses to "get in the middle of it" between easy child 1 and the siblings, which I think is a total copout. We spent the weekend very near where bio dad lives. easy child had planned to spend an hour or 2 with him. Anytime easy child 1 texted him, he was too busy, or it wasn't a good time. easy child 1 said he wasn't conversational with him at all, and all of his answers were just one word responses. He felt very dissed.

    He emailed bio-dad's sister about it, and she blames his behavior on his wife and children. Not sure she's real impressed with the way bio dad has handled it, either.

    I haven't been angry at this man for about 18 years, but I find myself fighting the mama bear syndrome at the moment. He dragged easy child 1 into this, by God, I think he owes easy child 1 some help guiding his way thru it, not to abandon him again because its upsetting "his family". I think my mom was right...if my dad was still here, he would have never "come out", and maybe that would have been better. And the man still hasn't so much as spoken my name...

    The last thing easy child 1 needs is someone else in his life with more issues. He struggles with depression, anyway. But he's got it.

    He does have a good head on his shoulders, tho. He has decided he will just drop it with bio dad. He wont tell him when he's in the area, and he wont suggest a visit. He'll keep up with the others, who have welcomed him, which I think is great. At least he gained something positive from this koi.
  2. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Believe it or not, this is what we're going through with difficult child 1 and AH. The one thing that I keep trying to impress on him is that he can only be in control of his actions and reactions. Other people are responsible for what they do - it has nothing to do with him. AH has not called him or shown up in the hospital since he went in last Wednesday. There's always a song and dance excuse that they're so used to hearing, that they take bets with one another as to whether the excuse will be work, sick or overslept.

    Make sure that easy child 1 understands that it's no reflection on him, it's BioDad's shortcomings. Nothing personal - he's just a dope!

    Hope he feels better!

  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    How completely maddening. And hurtful for easy child! I'm glad he has a good head on his shoulders and is recognizing the "cop out" thing himself and isn't putting himself out there over and over again for disappointment. His decision to stop attempting visits etc seems healthy to me. The mama bear in me would feel just like you.

    My bio dad is a sick twisted so and so, and we'll never speak which is good. I posted early last year that my half sister (my easy child's age , my sis is 12, 9 months older than my easy child) and my aunts from bio dads side contacted me through facebook. Never knew them a day in my life. 3 of these aunts found me, and my grandfather. My grandfather remains in touch sporatically but I believe it is sporatic due to some serious illness plus a huge lack of computer skills. I enjoy our back and forth messages and he seems honestly interested in learning more about the kids and I and he always reminds me he loves me very much and is hopeful I can travel to meet him (His health is poor but he seems a tough old guy as he's survived a lot since he found me). The first 2 aunts who messaged me seemed the most "into" the idea of starting a relationship. They dwindled off after very few messages back and forth. One of them lives several hours away in the same small town as my mother in law, and I was up there on labor day long weekend. Turns out she is offended I didn't contact her for a visit since I was a 2-3 minute walk from her house. My thoughts were that I'm a keyboard away from a message or a phone call away, for the past year and a half. I was fine not getting together with her. Ironically, the 3rd aunt who took longer to contact me than the other 2, has turned out to be an amazing woman and we are getting very close. At one point when I hadn't heard from her for 2 weeks, I got a call from her on her cell phone. She didn't want me thinking she was distancing herself but she'd been camping and there is no phone or cell signal there. She'd driven over 30 minutes so she could park on the side of the road where she could get a signal, just to say she was thinking of me and would be in touch as soon as she was back home from camp. She's driven 4 hours (each way) to meet and spend the day with me. I'm enjoying bonding with her and it touches me that she reached out etc.

    I have felt hurt that the other 2 reached out to me, we were/are complete strangers. They expressed a desire for a relationship yet have not followed up. It isn't the same as a parent doing this as with your easy child, but it still hurts. We always wonder about family if they have been absent. I don't understand the motive of those 2 aunts or your easy child's bio dad in reaching out after decades absent, only to make no effort to sustain a new relationship.

    I'm glad your easy child is at least getting to know some extended family after all of this.