Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dstc_99, Oct 16, 2013.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    What do you do with a bio dad who shows up after 18 years and is 100% supportive of your difficult child?

    Sounds like a wonderful thing right? Except that I am pretty sure he has no idea what he is supporting. I am sure he has no idea that by supporting her he is ripping her and husband further apart. I am pretty sure he probably doesn't care because if he did he would have been found long ago instead of not being there. Actually I am pretty sure that if my drunken mother hadn't found him he wouldn't be here to this day.

    Can you tell that I am having a really hard time holding my tongue? I could easily inform him of what is going on but difficult child would see that as a betrayal. She is much happier when people do what she wants and believe whatever fantasy she has created. I know I should keep my mouth shut and I will but it is killing me to see husband get hurt. Plus it kills me that BIO Dad is getting off easy after 18 years of neglect. It must be really easy to be the good guy when you don't have a history and don't have to deal with the aftermath.

    Wonder if difficult child will send him the bill for the several thousand she owes if she drops out of school?
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    dstc, you have every right in the world to feel as you do. Your difficult child is abusing you, as you mentioned in your other post.

    From my experience (as someone 100 years older) a little bit of time, the honeymoon between bio dad and difficult child will be over and everyone will see the truth, you won't have to do anything. It's hard right now, but believe me, folks can't hide their true colors and it will be obvious to everyone.

    I'm on the outside so it's easy for me to observe your life from afar and see that you have removed yourself from all of the toxicity, your parents, your ex, your difficult child............they can pull at you however, little by little you will remove yourself from so much of it........ until they are far enough away emotionally to have little impact on you.

    *I am sorry it's hard now. I know how heavy it can all feel when so many seem to be against you, but you are standing in truth and they are standing on an illusion and that will all dissipate at some point.

    Take deep breaths and go do something enjoyable for yourself. Let them all stew in the pot they created. (((((Hugs)))))
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry!

    You have every right to feel like you are feeling. Still it is likely wise to hold your tongue. I believe that RE is right and honeymoon will not last too long.

    This is something I dread so much. Though in our case it really isn't bio dad's fault he has not been there and I certainly don't have the right to hope he stays away from the picture for good. Still do, though.
  4. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Its kind of weird but I don't dislike BIO Dad for not being there. He was just a kid with no support so he ran away. He seems like an ok guy now. I know he is probably just trying to be supportive of his daughter and let her know he cares. The problem is he doesn't seem to know it is to our detriment.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Interesting that he showed up just in time to not be nabbed for child support!!

    I expect he'll be heading for the hills when Daughter starts hitting him up for some big bills. You know she's going to do it.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Yep MWM! It shouldn't take long. Eventually she will get in a hole and need help that we don't get her out of.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    If he contacts you and asks or accuses, I would be honest with him. Otherwise, I would try to hold my tongue. I would also start telling difficult child tht she should turn to her bio for whatever you are helping her with because clearly he wants to do all these things for her. in my opinion it won't take long before Disney Daddy turns away or wises up. Or they are too much alike and he will enjoy her fantasy and live there with her.

    Eventually every fantasy is confronted with reality and crumbles. Or explodes.

    If you tell him the realities, it will only be seen as meddling and as sabotage by difficult child. You cannot win anything positive by presenting reality to him before he is ready to see it. Often it will only lengthen, deepen and strengthen the river of denial.
  8. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    There is pain enough for everyone, here. Bio Dad has probably gone through a crisis of conscience as he matured, and is trying to do the right thing by his child. It must be so difficult for all of you. Everyone in your family seems willing to jump in with their two cents worth, and back out again when the going gets tough. It is like they take away your authority, but place full blame on you after they have taken away your power to do anything about anything.

    This is going to sound trite? But I think it's true. Love your husband and yourself, wish bio-dad well, and prepare for the time when you need to make the next decision. Because I think you are right. That will all fall on your shoulders, when the time comes.

    I wish there were something more positive to say. I like how you view bio-dad. One of the things that can happen to us, as we go through the hoops our difficult child's present, is that we become bitter and cynical. I don't hear that in your response.

    Believe it or not, that is a triumph for you. Your compassion for husband is a positive, too.

    Whatever is coming next, it sounds like you two will be able to handle it.

  9. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Some days it is so good to be able to talk to people who don't judge! You ladies help me wrap my head around things. Plus you are in my head when I am dealing with issues and help me make better decisions.