Triedntrue
Well-Known Member
If you have the financial means maybe tou could help him with rent for a short time to grt him started
Bipolar adult son, is wanting to move back in.
- Thread starter Gary
- Start date
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You do not want to add more mentally ill people to your family by forcing the girls and your spouse to possibly develop PTSD with your son in your house.
Your son has outside options. Many were mentioned. If he is violent even in a mental health hospital, just like prison, he will be dealt with harshly. Violence for any reason, including mental illness, is dealt with seriously.
Violece is seen as a reason to remove somebody from society. Your son was lucky that nobody contacted elder care for the beatings of grandma or he could have more time in prison than he did .if your son hurts your younger daughters the daughters can be removed from your home by CPS and he again could end up in prison only you could end up in trouble too gor not protecting the girls.
Sometimes we have to protect our dangerous adult kids from even getting into worse trouble. Finding outside services is aagood option but many choose to reject the rules then they live on the street. Would your son prefer the streets to possible prison and harming somebody in his family? He hasnt learned control yet. You dont know his whole story either.
There are many things our off the rails adults dont share. Maybe he is addicted to meth or heroin and this ramps up his violence. He may not have been able to use for three years but now he can. And may be.
Your son needs to be willing (the willing is important) to get extreme treatment possibly for life. In the meantime there are homes for the mentally ill. I know young people who live in them. But there are rules. No violence. Or you cant stay. Theres that pesky no violence rule again. It is everywhere.
Your son needs to commit to tratment outside of the house so as to not traumatize everyone else. He CAN find help and do it. There is nothing that says you cant meet with him seven nights a week for dinner at a crowded resteraunt and give him support. There are many places to see him without risking bringing him home.
In the meantime the rest of the family needs protection. Grandma may need a restraining order since he is back.
Most mentally ill people are not dangerous. There is an extra ooomph factor with your son. Please not only keep him from your family but be very careful when he is with you. Crowded places. Witnesses so he will behave. Never drive with him. This is a place you can REALLY get hurt...a car.
It will shock you how he can control his violence when strangers are watching in a restsurant, at the movies, in a very busy park or beach, in a department store etc. There are many places that are safe for you to see him. Most violence is domestic and takes place in the home. Ted Bundy never strangled anyone in a restaurant. Everyone can control violence when they have to.
Please stay safe. Others love and need you besides this son.
Your son has outside options. Many were mentioned. If he is violent even in a mental health hospital, just like prison, he will be dealt with harshly. Violence for any reason, including mental illness, is dealt with seriously.
Violece is seen as a reason to remove somebody from society. Your son was lucky that nobody contacted elder care for the beatings of grandma or he could have more time in prison than he did .if your son hurts your younger daughters the daughters can be removed from your home by CPS and he again could end up in prison only you could end up in trouble too gor not protecting the girls.
Sometimes we have to protect our dangerous adult kids from even getting into worse trouble. Finding outside services is aagood option but many choose to reject the rules then they live on the street. Would your son prefer the streets to possible prison and harming somebody in his family? He hasnt learned control yet. You dont know his whole story either.
There are many things our off the rails adults dont share. Maybe he is addicted to meth or heroin and this ramps up his violence. He may not have been able to use for three years but now he can. And may be.
Your son needs to be willing (the willing is important) to get extreme treatment possibly for life. In the meantime there are homes for the mentally ill. I know young people who live in them. But there are rules. No violence. Or you cant stay. Theres that pesky no violence rule again. It is everywhere.
Your son needs to commit to tratment outside of the house so as to not traumatize everyone else. He CAN find help and do it. There is nothing that says you cant meet with him seven nights a week for dinner at a crowded resteraunt and give him support. There are many places to see him without risking bringing him home.
In the meantime the rest of the family needs protection. Grandma may need a restraining order since he is back.
Most mentally ill people are not dangerous. There is an extra ooomph factor with your son. Please not only keep him from your family but be very careful when he is with you. Crowded places. Witnesses so he will behave. Never drive with him. This is a place you can REALLY get hurt...a car.
It will shock you how he can control his violence when strangers are watching in a restsurant, at the movies, in a very busy park or beach, in a department store etc. There are many places that are safe for you to see him. Most violence is domestic and takes place in the home. Ted Bundy never strangled anyone in a restaurant. Everyone can control violence when they have to.
Please stay safe. Others love and need you besides this son.
Last edited:
Elsi
Well-Known Member
Hi Gary,
I hope we haven't all overwhelmed you here. I think you'll see we all really agree on the fundamentals here: 1) your son needs help, and 2) getting him that help does not have to involve bringing him into your home at this moment. Not bringing him into your home does not mean you have to abandon him without hope and without resources. It does mean finding ways to help him that give equal weight to the needs and safety of your spouse and younger children. And to your own needs and safety. This does not have to be either or: protect your family and abandon your son, or help your son and sacrifice the safety of the rest of your family. There are ways to do both.
But all of those ways depend on your son being willing to do the heavy lifting towards finding treatments that work for him, complying with those treatments, and accessing other resources that are available to him. Many of us have adult children who are not willing to do that. And if they are not willing and ready to take those steps, we can't force them to. But if he chooses to remain sleeping in his truck rather than accessing those resources and working towards a better life, that is HIS choice and NOT your fault. It does not become your responsibility to accommodate him in the way he prefers just because he does not like the other alternatives that are available to him.
We all love all of our children, even those who are difficult or even dangerous at times. We are here because we genuinely want to find answers - for them, and for us. This is not an easy road. I hope you'll stay and give us an update on his situation and how you are doing.
I hope we haven't all overwhelmed you here. I think you'll see we all really agree on the fundamentals here: 1) your son needs help, and 2) getting him that help does not have to involve bringing him into your home at this moment. Not bringing him into your home does not mean you have to abandon him without hope and without resources. It does mean finding ways to help him that give equal weight to the needs and safety of your spouse and younger children. And to your own needs and safety. This does not have to be either or: protect your family and abandon your son, or help your son and sacrifice the safety of the rest of your family. There are ways to do both.
But all of those ways depend on your son being willing to do the heavy lifting towards finding treatments that work for him, complying with those treatments, and accessing other resources that are available to him. Many of us have adult children who are not willing to do that. And if they are not willing and ready to take those steps, we can't force them to. But if he chooses to remain sleeping in his truck rather than accessing those resources and working towards a better life, that is HIS choice and NOT your fault. It does not become your responsibility to accommodate him in the way he prefers just because he does not like the other alternatives that are available to him.
We all love all of our children, even those who are difficult or even dangerous at times. We are here because we genuinely want to find answers - for them, and for us. This is not an easy road. I hope you'll stay and give us an update on his situation and how you are doing.
MeMyselfandIandkids
New Member
I havent read the other replies so i dont know what has been said or hasnt but i wanted to message you from a different perspective. Kinda.
I am 28 and far incontrol of my emotions and troubles now BUT.. when i was 22 23 i had an addiction problem and i am bipolar and can relate to your son .. Not so extreme but can relate. That said.. I am not here to stick up for him .
Dont feel any guilt associated with distancing yourself from him amd protecting the younger. If he EVER gets help and grows out of it hell understand and the first thing youll here from him is how sorry he is and obvioulsy hes not anywhere near that but only wanting to use and abuse what he can.
Cut him off. If every onve in awhile you want to send money to help because no one else will good job dad. But dont make contact. Let him know that hes cut and you have no interest in speaking to him. What this will do is get him from hovering when he needs something and putting your family on edge. If he knows you have no weak spots or interest he wont have something to feed off of or fall back on when hes at rock bottom.
I hope that made sense.
It also is the only way he will do 1 of 2
Go on his own persuing his crazy life that lands him in prison or 2 force him to go help himself.
Either way. Make it clear you have no interest or care anymore WITHOUT BEING HOSTILE OR CREATING MORE CONFLICT. in other words dont answer his call he says ur not his dad. Fine your not my son. Thats fine.
Coming from the once troubled child in the family. This will create a safe distance. If done correctly.
I am 28 and far incontrol of my emotions and troubles now BUT.. when i was 22 23 i had an addiction problem and i am bipolar and can relate to your son .. Not so extreme but can relate. That said.. I am not here to stick up for him .
Dont feel any guilt associated with distancing yourself from him amd protecting the younger. If he EVER gets help and grows out of it hell understand and the first thing youll here from him is how sorry he is and obvioulsy hes not anywhere near that but only wanting to use and abuse what he can.
Cut him off. If every onve in awhile you want to send money to help because no one else will good job dad. But dont make contact. Let him know that hes cut and you have no interest in speaking to him. What this will do is get him from hovering when he needs something and putting your family on edge. If he knows you have no weak spots or interest he wont have something to feed off of or fall back on when hes at rock bottom.
I hope that made sense.
It also is the only way he will do 1 of 2
Go on his own persuing his crazy life that lands him in prison or 2 force him to go help himself.
Either way. Make it clear you have no interest or care anymore WITHOUT BEING HOSTILE OR CREATING MORE CONFLICT. in other words dont answer his call he says ur not his dad. Fine your not my son. Thats fine.
Coming from the once troubled child in the family. This will create a safe distance. If done correctly.
I concur...NO way can he stay at your place.
I would consider helping him with psychiatric appointments and medication script refills and only if you somehow fill the medications and/or somehow know for a fact the money is going toward a doctor and /or prescribed medication.
Consider helping him apply for food stamps. Perhaps disability if appropriate.
See if he can stay with his friends or perhaps at a shelter.
(Perhaps don’t do any of this if he is vile toward you).
Don’t allow him in your home or a relative’s house. Never. Poor grandmother. Awful.
I would consider helping him with psychiatric appointments and medication script refills and only if you somehow fill the medications and/or somehow know for a fact the money is going toward a doctor and /or prescribed medication.
Consider helping him apply for food stamps. Perhaps disability if appropriate.
See if he can stay with his friends or perhaps at a shelter.
(Perhaps don’t do any of this if he is vile toward you).
Don’t allow him in your home or a relative’s house. Never. Poor grandmother. Awful.
Beating up grandma is something I wouldn't be able to get past. You love your son, but he deserves to be homeless or in jail after beating up an elderly woman. How old was grandma when he did this? How many other grandmothers can say they were beaten up by their grandsons?
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
This is a very old post. I doubt the poster is still here.
