So.... Big kids left yesterday to dads. Big blow up with hubs in the car pretty much the whole way there. He told me a month ago he would go with me and then an hour before we were supposed to leave he says "I'm not going" I told him I would be unhappy if he didn't go as I have been making this 3 hour round trip by myself every time. I think he is insecure because my ex offered to let me kids and Gavin stay with him when hubs had his break down and ex also knows about hubs being in mental hospital and the over dose and he is embarrassed. Anyway just the lovely send off the kids needed before they go stay with dad for 3 months, especially since its up to tk if she wants to come home at the end of the summer. Hubs was subdued on the way home and apologetic but I just didn't want to talk to him. Still not really wanting to talk to him. We finally! Got paid today hubs bought my birthday present last time we were paid so we have been very broke for the past two weeks. Of course most of the bills need to be paid today. Hubs wants to go out for Chinese food tonight but we honestly in my opinion don't need to be spending the cash, especially after this morning. They didn't say anything about a medboard today at his phase two physical they just told him to go file with the va next week. And that the chapter could start in a week as well. I have reminded myself repeatedly I don't have to think about this stuff today that I have every right to take this one day to myself and not think of it but of course it's the only thing on my mind. To top it off yesterday I we went to the health department to apply for wic and food stamps. I am really ready not to be breast feeding anymore and need to be able to go to work or whatever I need to do and the best thing I can do Is prepare mr Lewis for mommy not being home. My wic appointment is next week no problem except I forgot boyo was going to be with his dad so I will not be able to put him on the program. But surprisingly we were denied food stamps, I say surprisingly because we qualified for all kinds of assistance on an e-4 salary in tn but never used it but according to colorado we make 600.00 over what they allow that is crazy to me because food is so much more expensive here, cost of living is so much higher. So it was a bummer to sit there for 3 hours to be told no. He brings home 800 every two weeks after child support for his twins comes out and bah has been taken for housing. I guess we are blessed we have a roof and don't have to try to pay for that out of 800.00. This is all very scary to me as I have not allowed this situation in the last seven years. One of my break ups with ex in which he took everything and moved out caused me to get two jobs and turn one minimum wage 4.50 hour a job into a management position with free health care for me and a salary large enough to pay my bills with no sweat after that job I went in the army and largely never sweated paying my bills. We may not have had extras but we had our bills paid and I did that on my own, ex wasn't there and when he came back I assigned him the role of house husband so that The kids weren't spending 12 hour days in day care. Why is it that every time a man swears to take care of me and mine they can't seem to do half the job that I myself can do? This fear is distasteful to me I grew up poor counting every last dime to get us through and never minded it too much but hanging on the precipice of disaster when you have 3 kids to care for/ 5 if you count my step children who will never be able to live with us because of hubs break down (break down happened right after we went to court to obtain custody) and a husband who may or may not be able to work out in the civilian world is more then I can stand. I don't want myself or my children to be a victim of hubs mental illness we have all been through a lot getting through this time and things WERE getting better, but I don't really understand what the hell is going on with him and the switch from dream husband and father to the koi I had to deal with yesterday. This is a vent just needed to get it off my chest.